Hi Leather and Lace Advice: I met “Rocky” about a year ago. I like, maybe love him, but I hate that he keeps telling me about all the other women who were in love with him. We’ve broken up a few times, but every time he’d tell me how much he missed me and wanted me, and I’d come back. Yesterday he revealed that he’d slept with two other women (one is an “ex”) besides me in the last four months. He says now he just wants to be “friends” with me because he still loves the “ex.” I told him I was finally through. The moment I said this he asked if we could still be intimate. When I said, “No” he said, ” But we might still have a future together, let’s just see each other and see what happens.” I know there is something totally wrong with this, but I really do care about him and we have such passion. Do you think we ever could have a future, or do you think that this is hopeless because he has psychological problems?
Alison’s Take: Do I think he has psychological problems? Yes, I do. Rocky is also a master manipulator. Any man who can juggle three women, making them all feel like they’re “the one” while having sex with all three at the same time, fits that description. A man who tells you that he wants to only be friends (because he still loves another woman) but wants to keep having sex with you so he throws out the carrot of a possible future he knows you will never have (when you begin to balk), is not playing with an honest hand.
I would assume that your on again off again relationship with Rocky is hopeless. Rocky is a true “toad” of the highest order whose “sweet talk” has finally, soured. Throw him back into his slimy pond of games and lies and get on with your life. Tell Rocky he’s history and mean it. Don’t take his phone calls and don’t text him or answer his E-mails. You can not be “friends” with someone who does not understand the meaning of the word. It is not your friendship he is after (you already know this). Rocky will continue to attract women, but he’s not going to keep any of them. The smart ones will realize what the situation is, and move on. And that’s what you should do, right now!
For every sweet-talking liar like Rocky, there is another guy who really does want a future with you, and who won’t play you or disrespect you. The next time you meet someone you think has potential, listen carefully to what he says and dump anyone who shows that he doesn’t really care about your feelings, let alone your future. By the way…if you are ever asked by another, unsuspecting woman what you think of Rocky, don’t hold back. You may save someone else from his creepy grasp, and earn a gold star in the unofficial sisterhood-of-women-looking-out-for-each-other Hall of Fame!
Tony’s Take: Well there is certainly something wrong with both of you.
From your letter you are a passionate and caring woman. The most intimate and important act of sharing is truly passionate sex, yet the person you are sharing it with is faithful to no one. He was faithless to you when he had intimate sex with two other women and now he is offering to cheat with you on his “ex” with you. What is obvious is that he does not want you for a companion or a relationship, he wants you available for booty calls. If you really think it can work with him, gently tell him to go away until he decides he wants to commit to you 100% and have a real relationship. A truly passionate woman is a rare and treasured commodity. Go out and find someone you like and admire and give them the chance to find out how special you are. With them you can commit completely and love unrestrained, which you can no longer do with Rocky.
For Rocky’s part he is setting himself up for a lot of fun in the short term and a lot of pain in the long term. He will find over time that his tricks wear thin, and the truly desirable women will slowly be removed from the market, as good and caring ( but less flashy) guys make their charms known to the women guys like Rocky have burned. You will be able to find Rocky in 20 years sitting on a bar stool in a seedy bar, reminiscing about all the women he has had (and lost permanently, leaving him alone and unloved) and hitting on 19 year old women either to dumb or too innocent to see the slimy toad he is.
This is not to say that you should not “date around” during the time you are in your twenties. This is the period when you should be exploring enough relationships to discover who and what works for you. God knows I dated enough women in my twenties (possibly more than Rocky), but the difference is I was ethical about how I treated these women. Although I certainly had casual sex, that was understood by both parties. I did not date women if I saw no future as a relationship. And, I did not date more than one woman at a time. If I knew a relationship was going to end, I ended it. I did not keep it going for the sake of the sex involved — all things that Rocky has not learned.
Hopefully Rocky will eventually understand how rare and precious people who can love us with passion and caring are, and finally love and care for them in return. More likely, the bar stool, or a shrew for a wife, or both is more likely along his current path.