I am a 35 year old woman who has had an on-again, off-again love affair with a married man for six years and I’m wondering, will my married lover ever leave his wife to be with me? He is a good man, and the love of my life, but we are not together yet, even after six years. His wife doesn’t really care much for him, but they are together for their children, and so she doesn’t’ have to work. I DO love him, and I am getting tired of waiting. “Barry” says he is going to leave his wife just as soon as their youngest leaves for College (that will be next year) but he hasn’t made any real moves toward being with me. I am willing to wait until then, but feel I deserve some assurance that we have a future. My friends all tell me that he won’t ever leave his wife to be with me, even though he loves me. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? What do the two of you think?
Alison’s Take: Will your married lover ever leave his wife to be with you? This is a question we can’t really answer without more information and frankly, most married men do not leave their wife for a mistress. Why should they? They get the comfort, stability and emotional bonding of a long term relationship with the wife, and they get the attention, ego-boosting, intimacy, and sex they are missing at home, from you.
It is hard, but the reality is that unless you set a deadline (in this case when that child has been packed up and sent off to college) and accept no excuses after that, your married lover will continue to be just that –a married lover (and not married to you). I have heard stories of married men who have kept their mistresses waiting for literally, decades, always promising them that they really want to leave the wife, but then there is always an excuse, and they never move forward. One tragic woman I know was with her married lover so long without being actually with him, that her childbearing years ended while she was still sneaking off for those precious “stolen moments” with the married lover. Why would a woman put up with that? I would love to know from you and from our readers, because I don’t get it.
If you and this married man have been “on again, off again” for six years, ask yourself why did you break up previously? Ask yourself what benefits you are really getting from this relationship, because if something happens to your married man, the wife will be protected and you won’t even be able to publically grieve his passing. If in the past you have received the same kind of unfulfilled promises and lack of commitment (other than with soothing words) you must find the courage to break it off entirely and find a man who is available, willing and ready to be with you and only with you, or be happy to sneak around and be second best, the rest of your life.
Tony”s Take: I have big problem with the whole concept of waiting till a child gets out of high school. The purpose in delaying for a child is to delay until they can rationally understand the split and will not punish themselves personally which is sometimes around age 7 normally. Is your lover saying that his children are so emotionally unstable that they can’t understand a split between their parents until after they are 18? Quite honestly, it is probably more traumatic on the children when they are older and entering college, because it is like their parents moved and left no forwarding addresses when you went to college.
He is probably, rightfully afraid of the economic implications of the split which is why he wants any child who would normally get child support out of the home. So that any payments to his ex wife will be minimized. This would also speak to a possibly very bad and long breakup with the ex because she gets full support until the divorce is finalized, in which case you would be shouldering much of the expense of the new relationship. You need to talk to a lawyer about this because if you do it wrong the wife has a chance to claim alimony against your income as well as his.
There is drop dead date for the relationship. The second week of September when the youngest child should be beginning college. If he has done nothing to initiate a divorce by then, then he never will. But I think that his life will be so miserable with the children out of the house that he will have no choice. I wish there were more romantic reasons for you, but obviously your intended is a very practical person.
someone who hasnt made a move peobobly bnever will date time flies