He Doesn’t Have One Romantic Bone in His Body!
Alison and Tony, My boyfriend Eddie doesn’t have one romantic bone in his body! He is just a “no-go” in the romance department, to a romeo! Eddie is a really good man –helpful, kind, considerate and honest and I really love him, but we’ve been dating for almost a year now, and it upsets me that his idea of showing me romance is a “roll in the hay.” I’ve always found that displays of affection are important. I long for a man to bring me flowers, draw a romantic bath, or at least show some interest that isn’t overtly sexual. . No matter how I try to get Eddie to see that romantic”courting” is something I really want and need, he just says he “tries” to make me happy and seems baffled when I act frustrated. He didn’t even understand when I burst into tears on my birthday when he bought me a breadmaker instead of the necklace I’d been hinting for. I don’t want to give Eddie up because he doesn’t grasp my idea of hearts and flowers romance, but I can’t see spending the rest of my life down in the dumps because Eddie is just “no go” as a romeo. Can the two of you give me any ideas?
Alison’s Take: Eddie doesn’t have one romantic bone in his body? Well, apparently he has one!
Eddie isn’t your idea of a romantic romeo, but everyone’s idea of what is romantic, is different. For Eddie, sexual pleasure and being kind and considerate is his way of showing you how much he cares for you. For some men, that is the only way they know t show affection. So if you want Eddie to be romantic the way you want romance, you’re going to have to teach him what that means to you.
This isn’t as difficult as you might think, because men are task oriented. If you tell them specifically what you want, they are quite comfortable in doing what they don’t have to guess at, especially if they know it will please you. Tell Eddie exactly what things you wish and hope he will do for you that will make you feel cherished and loved. Acknowledge that you realize these kinds of romantic gestures don’t come naturally to him, but it would please you so much if he would try.D on’t be surprised if he doesn’t get everything exactly right the first time around. If he brings you a potted plant of tulips instead of a dozen roses wrapped in ribbon, thank him for the thought and then make it clear that next time, the latter would be more traditional for the romantic soul.
It is likely that Eddie has little experience with romantic experiences, so you need to show him what you want. Give him a night of romance and let him see how it feels. Send him a “love note” requesting his presence at a perfectly romantic dinner next weekend. Request that he dress for dinner, This means more than just a clean shirt and a pair of jeans– specify exactly what –and how much–you want him to wear. You wear something pretty and sensual (velvet, cashmere or silk are good choices) but not over the top (remember this is supposed to be romantic, not overtly sexual (but you can’t go wrong with red, the color of love). Plan your dinner (candles, flowers, whatever you think you would want in return). Be sure the food has erotic delicacies such as oysters, champagne, strawberries and whipped cream — served without any spoons). Don’t race through dinner. It’s a good bet that Eddie’s engine will be revved-up, but he still might not get the idea that being romantic is more than saying: “Hey Baby, let’s do it!” After dinner you take the lead. Will you play romantic music and ask him to dance with you, or will you slowly lead him to a scented bath, or to the bedroom — sheets strewn with flower petals, and surrounded with scented candles (or whatever it is that suits your romantic desires). Maybe you will read a romantic/erotic bed-time story….
If your romantic experience still doesn’t give Eddie the idea that you need a slow and sensual build-up to sex, and that romance is something women want and need, don’t get frustrated. It takes time to learn new ideas. Calmly explain that most women (especially you) really enjoy it when the mood is “set” for romance. If Eddie insists that he doesn’t need gimmicks to get in the mood with you, gently but firmly explain that women are different. Remind him that people are different, and you really need the kind of romantic atmosphere that you showed him, and that it means a lot to you. Since he wants to please you, specifically tell him the things that make you happy such as flowers, or holding hands, or surprise dinners…whatever it is. Reassure Eddie that while he doesn’t have to always romance you on a grand scale, you would be so happy if he’d sometimes take the initiative. You might also point him to the article we published on Easy Ways to Enhance Romance, just to give him some more ideas.
Tony” ‘s Take: There is a class of men that confuse companionship with love. Love is selfless. Love is wanting the best for your partner rather than for yourself. Love is actively trying to find things that make your partner happy and show them how important they are to you, whereas ompanionship is just a mutual sharing of time and affection. It is “going Dutch” in the relationship business. Eddie is not treating you as a loved and valuable and person because Eddie loves himself more than he loves you. Eddie buys you a breadmaker because it is a utilitarian toy, not a decorative adoration.
There are two classes of men who exhibit this particular personality flaw. Those that are self centered due to feeling that they are the only important thing in the universe, and those who are self centered because they don’t understand the universe , and the universe doesn’t understand them. The first group is pretty much hopeless. The second group, if the individual is sweet enough, and sincere enough, can actually be turned into a productive member of society by a woman willing to spend the time helping him to connect in a real way to another person. For the most part these efforts will be rewarded– but you have to want to spend the time and the effort to do so.
You can do this just be being patient, and loving him.