Hi Leather and Lace Advice: I am writing to you because I have nowhere else to turn, I am in my mid 20’s and I moved to America a few years ago after meeting my boyfriend (he is just a few years older than I am) at an international conference. I fell immediately in love with him and when he invited me to come to America and live with him I jumped at the chance I didn’t know him very well but we were very happy at first. Honestly, he is a really nice guy, He’s generous and kind. We get along very well for the most part. I almost feel guilty writing this to you because he is such a decent man. But Alison and Tony, I am SO BORED with him and with our life together! Our relationship is slowly dying because he is so dull. All we do is hang out at home and sometimes with his family and little nieces and nephews. He isn’t interested in doing anything else outside of our home. We don’t even have any desire for sex anymore. I have tried to talk to him about this issue but he always has an excuse. I don’t have any family here and it’s not my native country. I find myself anxious and frustrated and sometimes even angry. I am far from home with few friends and no family in this country. He doesn’t seem to understand. Should I just bail?
Marta
Hey honey lets just hang out again tonight, ok?
Tony’s Take:
As we have commented previously on leatherandlaceadvice.com, guys in their 20’s haven’t finished growing up. Especially in this case where your boyfriend shows all the traits of just having finished college: lack of ambition, expecting of somebody else to do things for them, etc.
However, you’re already in America, and you have already chosen this guy and you are already living with him.
This can work if you look at your role in this relationship slightly differently.
Many guys who have a few friends but many acquaintances do not have the motivation to go out and do things. In college everything was done as a group.
The good news is that eventually, you can train him out of this “college guy” mentality.
Be the Social Motiavator!
In the interim it falls on you to be the social secretary. You must be the one to organize trips, expeditions, and outings for the both of you. It might just be something as simple as dinner with friends, going out to the movies, or even a weekend away somewhere.
Pushback from him on this can be good because you can involve him and get his feedback and involve him in the process. You need to show him there’s actually a fun life out there with you.
Be Patient
Since your boyfriend is still evolving, one thing that you must be very aware of and try to eliminate is getting impatient or resentful. Be sure that he doesn’t become impatient or resentful with you either, because if it happens it will tear the relationship apart and make it unfixable.
One sign that you already have resentments is that you have pulled away from him sexually and no longer desire him. You need to work on this. If you can’t find that desire again, then you need to find another probably older, boyfriend.
Alison’s Take:
Marianne, I’m not going to comment on the impetuousness of following a man you don’t know well to another country and quickly moving in with him.
But as Tony said above, you’re already here and somewhat committed to the relationship, so let’s see how you can make it work.
Do not feel guilty writing to us that your boyfriend is a nice man but bores you to tears. It’s ok. Many women are in relationships like that and wish they weren’t!
You are not an Indentured Servant, Exercise Your Options
As far as I know, America outlawed slavery a long time ago along with indentured servitude. So unless you are completely financially dependent on this man with no chance of getting a job, you aren’t obligated to stay with him. Assuming you do want in your life you have options. It might take some work but then again, is this worth it to you?
Think about what you really want for your future longer term, then plan your next moves.
Relationships Take Hard Work
Love made you make a decision quickly without considering all the facets involved. Now that you are living with this man, as Tony suggested, it is up to you to get this man motivated. If you don’t you will both be unhappy becausse you are bored with life and with each other.
One way to make this work is to work on your relationship with your boyfriend but it’s your goal to make a life outside of your life with him. It may be difficult, but if you don’t you will find yourself slowly going crazy with loneliness.
Do Some Activities On Your Own:
Volunteering for a cause is a good way to socialize. And if you get busy with something outside of the home, it is very likely that your boyfriend will notice and then he will have to make the choice to join you in social pursuits, or spend a lot of time alone.
When You Are Excited About Life, Everything Looks Brighter
When you ditch your dull routine and feel some excitement about your life again, you will find more excitement with him physically (depression saps physical desire) as well. This is relevant to your boyfriend as well. too. If he feels more “alive” you will both benefit!
Good luck!
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