My boyfriend are in love. We are both in our early 20’s. We are serious about each other and intimate and we are not each other’s first partners. We both live at home and neither of us have jobs right now so we don’t have a lot of privacy or places to be intimate. That’s a problem. The other day we wanted to make out at my boyfriend’s parent’s house. I know they are rather conservative, and we weren’t having sex, but I had my top off and he didn’t have his pants on. We were really into each other, kissing and stuff and we didn’t realize that his mother had arrived home from work. She was actually watching us from another room. Finally, I guess she couldn’t contain herself, and she barged into the living room, yelling at us and screaming that I was a slut that took advantage of her son. When she calmed down she told us both that we weren’t trustworthy and that I wasn’t welcome in her home any longer. My boyfriend just kind of sat there in shock, not defending me which hurt, especially when she said that she wanted to call my parents and tell them what we were doing and that they should be so ashamed of me. I doubt that my parents would have reacted the same way my boyfriend’s mom did and I felt humiliated. After she calmed down my boyfriend tried to reason with her, saying that we are in love and we are adults over the age of consent, but she said that if so we should be responsible, get jobs, and went on another tirade. Then she said she could never envision me as a daughter in law. I am just devastated. I think my boyfriend could have been more forceful with his mother, but I also don ‘t want to break up with him. I think his mom is a nutcase and was being totally unreasonable, I need some advice.
Call me…Sharon the Slut
Tony’s Take: It is surprising that this mother’s attitude survived the age of Woodstock and the hippies, and it is sad to say that she is neither in touch with her own sexuality not understanding of intimacy.
Let’s look at the facts: We have two consenting adults who care for each other, sharing an intimate moment, and a mother and a mother who is at first a voyeur, and then as opposed to being understanding of love and intimacy, having identified them in her own life, instead condemns the two lovers. The hippocracy really shows in her condemnation of the girlfriend while acting as if the girlfriend seduced her son. This is very telling about the mother. She is obviously not maintaining a loving and intimate relationship with her husband and has focused her hopes in life on her son. It is up to your boyfriend to realize his mother’s issues which sadly since he is in his early 20’s will be hard for him to stand up to his mother and to separate his you, his girlfriend, from that hostile environment.
Alison’s Take: i wish I could agree 100% with Tony, because I believe in love, and I want lovers to flourish, but I think his comments are unfair to the mother, whose home in which the two lovers were canoodling. There is nothing wrong with making out on a couch, but these two lovers didn’t consider the where or when.
Sharon, you are not a slut, but consider: if you don’t have a job or a home of your own and you are living under your parent’s roof, and, enjoying the benefits of their hard work, including food, board, and more, then you are not free to do whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want. You have to respect their rules, the feelings, and their property. You and your boyfriend did none of these things.
I do agree with Tony on one thing and that is both you and your boyfriend are over the age of consent, and are adults, so it is time for you to grow up, get off the couch, get jobs, and take responsibility for your own lives. If you want to canoodle on the living room couch, make sure it is your own. That said, I know that many young people have a difficult time getting jobs these days, but that said, since you know your boyfriend’s parents are conservative, wouldn’t it have made more sense to find another place to make out such as a friend’s house, or some place where this is likely to be better tolerated? Instead. while your boyfriend’s mother was hard at work, were you spending the time at the computer looking for work or going on interviews? No! You and your boyfriend chose to enjoy the afternoon making out on her couch. No wonder she was upset!
Your boyfriend’s mother didn’t react any better than the two of you but still, it is her house, her rules and her property that you took advantage of. What would be more troubling to me than her behavior is that of your boyfriend, who really didn’t come to your aid when his mother called you terrible names. But he is still young, and that is his mother. The chances are that he really didn’t know how to stand up to her, showing that he is not ready to be a husband, and you would not be a happy wife if you did marry. My advice? Life holds many surprises, twists and turns. Both of you need more experience in life and love. Get jobs, mature some more, stay away from his parents for a long while and if you are still together after some years, this incident is likely to be forgotten…a distant memory.