Tony’s Take:  Since our intrepid reader was so sketchy with details, we can only approach this by looking at all four combinations of younger and older men and women (or even two men or two women). When both are the same age and young,  they share the same influences and therefore communication is easier. What is greatly lacking is experience and finesse, although such relationships are often very passionate.  One or both of them probably has unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be and who they should have a relationship with. They may also have unresolved issues relating to “crushes” they had in their formative years which they still feel a need to explore. The younger the people are in the relationship, the more likely it is that the relationship will ultimately fail as they grow apart from each other.

The next class of relationship we have to look at is that of a younger woman and an older male. The younger woman derives satisfaction from feeling more sophisticated and appreciated. The older male derives satisfaction in being part of her experiencing new things which allows him to experience those things again through her eyes. He has a far better understanding of her body and needs than the male of her age and thus can bring her to  a level of satisfaction which a younger man would not be able to achieve.  The downside of such a relationship is that although the older man would like the relationship to continue into the future, the younger woman will eventually come into her own and very often her decisions about what she wants to do with her life will end the relationship.

An older woman with a younger male can also be mutually beneficial to both members in the short term but like any relationship where their commonality is only the relationship (as opposed to social events and age-based amusements), it is hard to make it work over the long term.  The older woman is good for the younger male because there is no reason for her to accept bad sex from him therefore she will instruct, cajole and chastise him until he gets it right. What she gets is a partner with far more stamina, far more eagerness, far more adventuresome and far more compliant than a male of her own age.

If the two partners are older and of the same age, they again have the same generational influences. They laugh at the same jokes, they like the same songs, they tend to care about the same things and they know what they want in life. The biggest issue with this group as in any mature relationship is communication. If the two can be friends, companions, as well as lovers, this is what is important. But sexual communication is also important because good sex is hard work. You have to be willing to put in the time and the effort to please your partner. In the  previous three examples things happens automatically, but are shallow in comparison to what can be achieved by adults who understand themselves and each other.

Alison’s Take:   Tony has certainly outlined the pros and cons quite well.  However, I am one of those people who really thinks that chronological age is less of an issue than how emotionally  mature a person is, and how much experience one has had in this world.

I have known young people who have had lots of experiences, traveled extensively, and are quite mature emotionally.  They are wise beyond their years and make good companions for older partners even though they are much younger in actual age. On the other hand, I have met plenty of men and women who are older adults, but they are emotionally stunted and lack worldly experience.  They are not necessarily good partners for an experienced, emotionally mature adult of their own generation, even though they might be of the same age, or even older in years.

But that being said, there is no denying that chronological age has an affect on the physical aspects of a person.  If you choose to date someone who is  much younger or older than you are, there are likely going to be physical differences that cannot be ignored.  Tony has already done a good job of describing some of these issues.  And there are other issues that just come with the simple fact that someone has lived less, or more, years.  For example, someone who has lived a decade or more than the person s/he is dating will have to experience some of the trials and tribulations of the former decades over again.  And the younger partner may not really understand what the older partner is going through, when it comes to caring for an elderly parent, or dealing with some life changes (e.g. menopause).  And while an older partner may have seen dozens of fireworks displays and might be bored at the prospect of sitting through another such event, a much younger partner may still be enchanted by these types of  pryotechnics (this is just one example..obviously many people do enjoy fireworks for a lifetime).  A 20 year old might be much more satisfied with traveling coach than a 40 year old who has done his or her share of hostels and crowded economy.

On the other hand, sometimes even those who are a decade apart might be quite compatible. For example, a woman I know who was getting a divorce at 35 and literally starting her life over again from scratch, met a much younger man of 23. While there was a big age difference, that 23 year old man had been taking care of his chronically ill mother for many years, and had been working several jobs. He was emotionally mature and he had just received his college degree and looking forward to moving ahead with his life.  He was starting out, and she was starting over.  Neither had any money but  she had a chance to share her knowledge and enhance her partner’s life, and he energized her with his excitement about life.