Our Relationship is So New but He’s Going Far Away. Should I go, too?
Hi Alison and Tony: My boyfriend (Paul) and I have been dating a little less than a year. Last night he came home and told me that he just got the job offer he’s been dying for. He’ll get a huge salary and a big promotion. But the job is on the West Coast and we live on the East Coast. Although we haven’t made any concrete plans for the future yet, we do love each other and are not dating anyone else.
We both know that Paul has to accept the offer and make the move. If it were my career, he would understand the same. I know he is conflicted. He said the first thing he thought about after he received this stunning offer was our relationship and what we could do about it. I would never insist that he stay where he is and reject this fabulous opportunity. One part of my wants that, but I know I’d feel like I was ruining his chances for success, and it would be so selfish. So now the question is, do I move with him? I am a student working towards a nursing degree and I am also working lots of overtime in my other job to clear a huge mountain of debt. I still live with my parents to save money and I can’t even support myself. I want to be with Paul and start a life with him, but I wasn’t counting on making a huge change in lifestyle right now or asking him to support me. That would be the only way we could do this together. I have consulted my friends, and they think it would be crazy to leave everything behind for a man I am not married to and who hadn’t considered living with me before he got the job offer. . What do the two of you think?
Sign Me, Already Lonely
Tony’s Take: We grant you that 80% of all long distance relationships fail. However, in writing to us about your relationship, you have also defined what you need to do in asking the question.
The key word here is student. Until you get your degree all of that college money is wasted. Therefore, you have little choice but to continue on until you have your degree and your certification.
Once this is accomplished, you have an extremely portable skill in being a nurse. At that point in time you can rejoin him and set up a life together as equals. Additonally, being a student gives you several long vacations and most programs allow you to take courses from other institutions in the Summer. Therfore, you can spend the Summer with himgetrting to know each other better while continuing your education to finish your degree in the quickest time possible. By doing so, and by being in his life for longer periods of time whjile you’re separated, you may very well be able to make a long distance relationship work.
You also need to understand the following truth: that if you can’t make this work for a period of a couple of years, then what was the probability you were going to stay together in the long term?
Alison’s Take: I agree 100% with Tony. I know you are probably wondering if he will leave you if he’s all alone and far away. He might but then again he might not. Que Sera Sera. If you are meant to be a couple, you’ll make it work.
Yes, I know that this idea must scare you, but this isn’t the right time for you to make a move and he’s going to be busy getting settled and focusing on work. There won’t be a lot of time for him to create a social life but he won’t have a lot of time to focus on you, either. If you move with him right now you’re all alone without the tools to finish your degree. You will have to find a new job and find some way to pay back your debts. You won’t have the support of family and friends and you will be in a relationship you weren’t quite ready for. Far away from home with a boyfriend whose busy, isn’t a positive way to be together, is it?
Long distance relationships are difficult, but you can work it out so you stay solid and visit on the breaks in your schedule and in his. You may get to the point where you have managed the debts and you can transfer to another school (you didn’t say how much longer you need to finish the training). Focus on the positive and don’t become suspicious or jealous. You can find ways to connect long distance thanks to smart phones and even interactive gaming. Have virtual dates where you connect by Skype every week at the appointed time. Watch a movie together and tweet back and forth, or just talk on the phone. Surely you’ll think of all sorts of ways to enhance romance. We even reviewed an Oh My Bod vibrator that is remotely operated (you can even hear his voice) that keeps couples connected. (check it out on our 2014 holiday gift guide).
As much as you want to be together in person, it’s clear that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship without the resources required to make it a success. If you rush into this, both of you will regret it. HANG IN THERE!
Would you just throw caution to the winds, and follow a new love? Help “Already Lonely” out by sharing how you would handle her situation. Did you ever follow someone away from home because you loved them? How did it work out for you? Sharing your experiences with others is not just helpful to them, it could be a life-saver for someone else reading this column who has the same or similar issues. We really feel bad when we take a lot of time and thought to answer a reader, and the column seems to go into a black hole. So please support us and give some feedback! We thank you (Alison & Tony)