Leather and Lace Advice

Advice for relationships, friendships, love, intimacy

Follow Us!

Follow Us on TwitterFollow Us on FacebookFollow Us on Google+Follow Us on About.meFollow Us on RSSFollow Us on PinterestFollow Us on YouTubeFollow Us on WordpressFollow Us on AdviceSisters.comFollow Us on FacebookBroup Great Relationships JOIN US!
  • Home
  • Questions/Advice
  • Contact Us
  • Articles
  • Archives
  • About Us
  • Press
  • Privacy/Legal
  • COMMUNICATING
    • Communicating in Relationships
    • Enhancing Intimacy
    • Infidelity and Affairs
    • Living Together
    • Trust/Jealousy
  • DATING
    • Dating Issues
    • Dating Tips & Advice
    • Reviews
  • FRIENDS & FAMILY
    • Friend & family issues
    • Friendship
    • Work & Love
  • RELATIONSHIPS
    • Breakups/Moving on
    • Difficult Relationships
    • Divorce
    • Making a Commitment
    • Relationship Tips & Advice
  • SPICE!
    • Intimate Interviews
    • Intimate Reviews
    • Sex Issues
      • Spicy Topics & Adult Passion

My boyfriend won’t move forward & I want a life. What should I do? #Relationships, #datingissues

February 18, 2016 By: aandtcomment

let's start a life toegether

let’s start a life together and move our relationship forward, ok???

Dear Alison and Tony, My boyfriend (Bob) and I have been together about three years, but He doesn’t want to move the relationship forward,  I do!  I want a life, not just what we have now. We live commuting distance to one another and we each have a car, but while Bob will travel miles for work meetings, he won’t stay with me because he says he hates the commute (it upsets his daily routines). Bob lives near his parents so he can see them a great deal.  His mother scurries around “doing” for her son including laundry and meals,  even though Bob is in his mid-50’s. Bob says he doesn’t like his apartment and prefers to hang out with this parents,  but he’s not hanging out with me!  I own my own very nice apartment, and would love for him to spend more time there, or move in with me.  Bob says he can’t because he doesn’t have stuff he needs at my house. Obviously, he could bring these items, but somehow that seems to fall on deaf ears with Bob.  I have made it clear to Bob on numerous occasions that I’d like us to move in together and work towards marriage,  but he just gets upset and we end up fighting. He always comes up with ridiculous excuses why it wouldn’t work or why he can’t. During one such argument he told me he couldn’t because he doesn’t like my cats, and on another occasion he said he doesn’t like the restaurants in my neighborhood. The kicker for me is that Bob is starting a business and he is strapped for cash. If we lived together he could save some money, but instead he asked me if he could borrow some (but not move in). I love him,  but finally I’m on my last nerve with this relationship.  Should I try one more time to get him to see things my way and move our lives, forward?

Signed, “Samira”

 

 

tony sabatini head shotTony’s Take:  Samira, the biggest problem is that he is not in love with you.  You are a convenient weekend companion.  All of the excuses as you have guessed, are him trying to avoid committing to you.  He doesn’t feel he has betrayed you since he never committed to you.

One of the keys in analyzing his motivations is not only his over-reliance on his mother, but that he is caught up in the entrepreneurial game where his business is his real mistress (right now). If you really want to clarify things with him, say sure you’ll loan him money, in exchange for a piece of the business. (I would suggest no less than 1% of the business per $1,000  or equivalent you give him).  I would start the negotiations at 3 or 4% per thousand and let him knock you down, some. This will make his treatment of you much more serious,  and at least you will get the respect that you deserve if not the love.  This strategy also has the advantage of putting him on notice that you are no longer to be trifled with  and he may decide to get serious with you, or leave.

If we were to look at this totally objectively,  we must ask ourselves why at age 50 is this person running around unmarried (and still practically living in his parent’s house) and we would have to note that you have violated the cardinal rule of mature relationships  — if there is no real commitment after two years, there is no hope, and you owe it to yourself to find love with someone who really wants to be in your life.

 

Alison Blkackman head shotAlison ‘s Take:  The answer to your question is “no,” don’t give it more time. Why would you even want to do that,  Samira?

When I read your letter (big pieces of it changed due to privacy issues), I could only come to essentially the same conclusion as Tony, which is this:  Bob might be very fond of you. He  might even consider your relationship as long term, but he isn’t interested in integrating you into his life more than he does now, and that’s just as a sometime “companion.”

I have personally had a relationship with such a man.  He was set in his ways (although he wasn’t 50 yet).  He really liked me, but he liked his life just as it was. He made his coffee with a French Press the same way every morning. He had his slippers neatly placed just-so at the foot of his bed (I rarely saw his apartment, maybe once or twice in all the time we dated). He read the papaers cover to cover (no exceptions for vacations or weekends), even if I was in the room and bored out of my mind.  He liked to visit my house (but rarely during the week), He brought he toothbrush and took it when he left, and to leave anything person, even a book , would have been out of the question. If he did, he’d have to race the reality that he had a real connection, and that would be a real responsibility.

Your boyfriend is similar. Some men are not commitment phoebes, they just don’t want to make room for someone else in their lives in a way that impacts them in more than the most minimal of ways. Yes, it’s selfish, and once you realize you’re with someone like that, the choice to find someone else might be painful, even humiliating, but it’s an easy one to make.

The man you profess to love is a self-centered, selfish, rigid, momma’s boy who doesn’t care enough about you to change even a little bit to meet your needs.  If he really does hate your cats on top of this he is a horrible human being, toss him right now!

What really struck a chord with me was the fact that he only sees you on weekends although he is motivated to drive miles for work. He doesn’t let you stay with him at his place, either. He wants to be alone until he doesn’t, so he has you for weekend fun, while he takes advantage of another woman, his mother, to perform the functions a wife or partner (plus a cleaning lady and a cook) might help him with.  If he changed things you would “invade his privacy and space” in a  tangible way that horrifies him. He doesn’t want a life with you, he wants to spend whatever time he feels like it with you but quickly leave when it gets too restrictive. His life is perfect (for him) as it is.  As long as you don’t insist upon changing things, he will be satisfied, while you become (as you have become), intensely frustrated.

Don’t give him any money  — it’s time to pull the plug. He feels comfortable enough to ask you for money, but ignores an obvious solution (moving in with you).  How insulting!  Consider this:   if you continue seeing him with no strings and only on weekends, it is similar to being an unpaid escort. Is this the future you want for yourself? He should be paying YOU for your time.  As long as you continue with Bob, there is no real future other than what you have right now.

It’s time to gather up your courage and tell Bob that you have a deadline for a commitment and that three years is way past it. He can move in with you, save money and look towards the future with you, or he can leave.  Tell him you’re going to start dating other people who will actually want a life with you and not just ask you for your money and time on their terms. Watch for the pleading, then the stupid excuses to begin. This time, don’t cave and let him know you’re “ok” with things as they are –because you aren’t!

Related Posts

He said I was the one but now I’m Not, WTF?!

  Leather and Lace Advice I need your help! He said I was the one for him, but a week later he’s  blowing me off?   I can’t believe it! I’ve been seeing Paul for seven months now and up until now, things between us were wonderful.  In fact, it was really Paul who initiated much of our […]

My Friend Keeps Stealing My Boyfriends and I’m Really Upset!

Dear Leather and Lace (Alison & Tony):  I know this sounds bad, but my friend keep stealing my boyfriends, and I’m really upset!  I’ve been best friends with Carmella for five years.  I love spending time with her, but when we go out together, she steals my boyfriends. I don’t mean that she tries to take […]

Relationship Questions about “Gifts & the Holidays” That Drive People Insane!

Relationship Advice: Question: I’m worried I Won’t Get My Engagement Ring  Question: What Happens if I Give a Gift and Don’t Get One Back? Alison and Tony aka Leather and Lace:  We receive so many questions about gift giving, and about getting engaged. They’re the ones that drive people absolutely insane.  They’re some of the most anxiety-producing situations in […]

Listen to this Podcast and get the relationship you really want @advicesisters, @leatherlaceadv

Are you frustrated with your relationship or lack one one entirely?  Do you want to know the biggest mistake people make when trying to attract love?  In this 32-minute podcast, Alison Blackman shares the secrets to finding, attracting and keeping a great relationship . Learn what the biggest mistake women make when trying to meet someone. Learn how […]

My BFFs Think Jeff is a Jerk, Now What?

   Dear Alison and Tony:  I have been dating “Jeff” for a couple of months now, and I couldn’t wait to introduce him to my three best friends. I was sure that they would love him as much as I do.  Imagine my horror when all three hated him!  One said Jeff was a bit of […]

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

OUR FREE & PRIVATE ADVICE

We offer free advice on Leather and Lace Advice or you can also get our private & personal advice services by email

TODAY’S MOST POPULAR

  • I Had Sex With Another Man While My Husband Watched
  • My boyfriend never buys me gifts. Cheap or just not…
  • I’m Bored: All My Live-In Boyfriend Wants to…
  • Products
  • I Got Him A Gift, But He Didn’t Get Me One. Now What?
  • Stay or GO? She Loves Me, But She’s Not In…
  • My wife wants sex with a woman. Is that cheating?
  • My husband never follows through on the things he…
  • My boyfriend won’t move forward & I want…
  • I’m the Boss. Is it Ok to Date My Subordinate?

Advice Sisters

Visit Alison Blackman's ADVICE SISTERS beauty, fashion and lifestyles website, the site that brought info-tainment to the Internet! Ideas to make life easier, more satisfying, more beautiful and more fun! http://www.advicesisters.com and follow her @advicesisters

Tweets by @landlaceadvice

Like Us On Facebook

LALA Popular Tags

adult toy advice advice sisters alison alison and tony alison blackman bdsm Blog Talk Radio book review books boyfriend breakup california exotic novelties cheating commitment dating dominant erotica fantasy friendship gift gifts infidelity intimacy lace leather leather and lace leather and lace advice leather and lace spice LELO love marriage orgasm passion relationship relationship advice relationships romance sex sex toys submissive tony tony sabatini Valentine's Day vibrator

Archives

  • April 2018
  • February 2018
  • December 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013

LEATHER AND LACE® is a registered United States trademark. No portion of this web site including illustrations, may be copied or used in any way without written permission. The content in this web site is based upon what works in the real world, It isn't a substitute for professional, in-person counseling. Leather and Lace Advice uses provided samples for most of its reviews, To learn more please read our Privacy/Legal Disclosure

Copyright © 2018 · Modern Blogger Pro Theme By, Pretty Darn Cute Design