I Made A Stupid Mistake and Sexted. Now, He Won’t Forgive Me!
I am married with a young daughter and my marriage was getting kind of boring. Recently I connected with an old boyfriend through Facebook. Our friendly texting turned into seriously hot sexting (I wasn’t that interested in the guy, it was just fun) for 5 days until my husband found out. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.My husband said he was destroyed by what I’d done. He threatened to divorce me and take our child away! I begged and pleaded forgiveness for a stupid mistake. My husband agreed to stay and I have worked very hard to be a better wife in every way. Two years later, our relationship is good, but occasionally he brings up the sexting incident and we have a huge fight. I let him look at my phone, computer, always check in with him, etc. Why can’t he forgive and forget? It was just 5 days a long time ago! Can I ever make him trust me again? I love him and I know he loves me, but he just doesn’t trust me anymore and I don’t know if he ever will. What can I do to win his trust back?
Tony’s Take: I have to ask you a simple question: How were you A: stupid enough to get caught? or B: so arrogant you didn’t think you would get caught? or C: so seriously suicidal that you wante to get caught for punishment? or D: your husband is snooping on you?
Basically depending upon which of these things is true, I will have to change my advice, Sara.
Many people when involved in titillating illicit activity feel dirty and guilty and unconsciously want to be caught and punished. Part of your letter indicates this might be the case as you feel happy to be free of your guilt.
The next possibility is that your husband is snooping on you. This is also indicated in your letter. People aren’t this jealous for a little bit of internet activity unless they are looking for it all of the time and are waiting to trap you.
Under all circumstances, your husband badly over-reacted. You were not physically unfaithful.
Sexting is a form of fantasy which is necessary for any relationship to keep it going on same level (why do you think Harlequin romances makes all of that money)?
Yes some things in sexting get pretty raunchy but any porn a 30+-year-old guy is watching is just as raunchy as the sexting is.
Your husband has shown you rage from time to time not because of this one incident but rather because he feels that no longer “owns you.”
Now you’re your own woman and thus he has to be on better behavior otherwise you might find someone else. This is indicated by the better relationship you’re now having with him under most circumstances.
On the other hand your reaction is happiness –you are happy that his anger proves he still loves you and therefore you try hard to treat him better because of your guilt.
You don’t want his trust back the way it was, because you will go back to the same mundane life that you had before all of this. The relationship is now stable in a very important way in that any rage or needs are now exposed and taken care of where they had been sublimated previously.
The relationship is now stable in a very important way in that any rage or needs are now exposed and taken care of where they had been sublimated previously.
Alison’s Take: As is our custom, I’ve let him “opine” before me. But I don’t agree with everything he says.
Texting is one thing, but what you did is sexted and sexting is not a harmless flirtation.
Having recently connected personally with an old boyfriend on Facebook, we’ve discussed his new love, music and other such things. This is friendly texting.
But when you’re doing an “Anthony Weiner” whether it’s sending suggestive photos or downright descriptive comments about what sexual acts you want to do in person, that crosses the line.
Now you’ve gone from friendship/fantasy to connecting with someone outside of your committed relationship in an intimate way.
I don’t know if your husband was snooping, but what I really think is that he was also “cheating” on you!
Threatening to divorce you and take your daughter for a few days of a dalliance is off the charts over-reacting. and the outpouring of anger at you is because he feels guilty and “doth protest too much.”
Trust is something that is earned. If you stay with your husband long enough, the two of you will come to terms with what has occurred.
I agree with Tony that all of this has made both you and your husband more aware of each other in your marriage, bit I don’t believe that playing games or keeping him aware that you sexted, bodes well for a stable, long-term marriage.