I used to be popular with men and had plenty of dates. But ever since that “A-hole” of a fiance dumped me last year for another woman, I’ve hit a dry spell. Alison and Tony, don’t get me wrong — I meet plenty of men, but none of them are of the quality I want, or they don’t seem to want to have a real relationship. I am very hot. I have a good job. My BFFs say I’m really fun to be with. There is just something wrong with men these days, because obviously they should be lining up to date me. But ever since I got over my broken engagement, my longest so-called boyfriend has lasted only eight weeks. I’ve thought about trying the internet, but the men seem like such losers on those sites, and frankly, I’m a bit creeped out by making contact with strangers like that. I’m a quality woman and open to meeting people, but date-less. Why are the men such cretins? I’d like to get married before my biological clock stops ticking. I even have my wedding all planned out. So do Leather and Lace have any ideas for me? I’m curious to hear your opinions.
Alison’s Take: At book signings for my first book: Recruiting Love: Using the Business Skill You Have To Find the Love You Want, I met many women like you. They were attractive, and intelligent. They dressed well and seemed to have lots of personality. But their idea of how to connect with a man for a love relationship, was completely off base. At every event, at least one woman would come up to me to complain about her lack of a boyfriend. If I made suggestions, I could count on her getting defense, literally screaming: “There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine, it’s those MEN who are the problem!” But Angela, the entire male population weren’t the problem. The real reason these women couldn’t find love is that they came across as demanding, myopic, and angry (or at least overtly frustrated), with enough baggage to need a stretch limo to tote it around. You, my dear, are one of these women.
You have the trifecta of man repellers: an itchy wedding ring finger, a ticking biological clock, and you make it clear that you are “too good” for most of the men on this planet. In addition, it is clear that you are angry at the fiance who dumped you and transfer this anger onto all men in general. You say you’ve planned out your wedding, but you don’t even have a date for Saturday night! Most men see your anger and desperation, before they even get a chance to get to know you.
It isn’t just your attitude that needs adjusting. Do you know what you really want and need in a mate? Apparently you think you are so special, and set the bar so high for a man, that no one can fill your expectations — so they don’t even try. If Prince Charming sauntered right by you, you probably wouldn’t even recognize him. I’m not suggesting you settle for just anyone, but your special someone might not appear in a perfect package. You might meet a man who has all the intrinsic qualities you want, but he might not have a lot of fashion sense. He might be a good provider for you and your future children, but not flash a lot of cash. He may be loving and supportive, and if you are very lucky, skilled in bed but he might be reserved in public. If you won’t consider anyone but the “perfect package” you may miss connecting with the love of your life.
And what about you? A pretty face and body are nice, but it is what is on the inside that counts, especially as you get older. You think you’re a good catch, but everything you told Alison and Tony at leather and lace advice indicates that you’re not date-worthy right now. It’s time for you to really re-assess yourself. Figure out what your own assets and liabilities and own up to them. Adjust your attitude and open your heart. Only then can love flow in.
Tony’s take: When relationships break up we carry a lot of the baggage and anger with us and so we must pay particular care not to let it affect new relationships. You now have two failed relationships in a row, why? What is it this new woman offered that you did not? You need to understand what went wrong so that you can fix it.
Your first issue is anger at your ex-fiancé, it is making you defensive and guarded. You are challenging men to prove they are better than he is and most men won’t bother to try. Also demanding that you have a long term working relationship after eight weeks is putting a lot of stress on the relationship.
Being “hot” is not enough; it is how you use it and treat your partner. Some of the best and most satisfying sex in my life was with a woman who would not rate more than 3 out of 10 on most hotness scales, but she was a passionate, active and considerate lover. How much passion do you show and how active are you? Caressing, kissing and foreplay go in both directions.
In a relationship your partner needs to feel special, he needs to feel appreciated, and he wants to know you’re actually listening to him. How have you communicated this to him? How have you worked to make your time together with him special and fun? How much time have you spent massaging his shoulders and kissing his neck? Yes, you have the right to demand these things from him but only if you yourself are putting in that kind of effort.
The final question is what kind of guy are you trying to attract or is attracted to you? We fall into bad habits of continually looking for or attracting exactly the type of person we can not have a healthy relationship with. You shoot for a “Master of the Universe” and you will be shot down as they care nothing about you only about themselves. You have to get out of “princess mode”, there is no knight in shining armor, no football captain that will suddenly discover you and take you to the prom, no male model who finds you irresistible and who will fulfill your every dream and desire, no millionaire that will whisk you off to Europe, there are just guys. And if you are lucky you will find one who you can talk to and who is fun to be with and who cares about you. Then you should fall in love because that is what all of us need.