I am a 50 year old airline pilot. I met a 51 year old woman and we fell in love almost immediately. The problem is that my girlfriend, Miranda, has had more sexual partners than I have. I am divorced my ex wife was a virgin when we met so I never worried about her past. However, Miranda has had a dozen guys in her life (maybe it’s more, but she’s not telling). Miranda is very adventurous in bed and that might be a good thing for many guys, but it’s bothering me because she says she likes to get laid. I have only been with 3 woman prior my wife and one girlfriend after the divorce for about 7 years. Early on in our relationship, Miranda also was seeing another guy and they met in hotel rooms because he had another relationship. She says she hasn’t seen him for a long time, and that she loves me, but I wonder if she will be faithful. I can’t get this out of my head and therefore, out of our bed.
Alison’s Take: Unless Miranda has done other things to make you doubt her fidelity and love, the thing that is really sabotaging your relationship is your own insecurity. From what you wrote (and your letter was long and complicated, we have edited it down , you are worried about this lady’s sexual past, present appetite for sex, and future implications for your life with her. Your main problem seems to be with the amount of partners that Miranda has had in the past and somehow you feel that this will impact what she does in the future.
Your ex wife was a virgin, so she had no partners prior to you. But it is unrealistic for a 51 year old woman not to have had any sexual partners. Although the amount of sexual partners varies from person to person, a dozen partners doesn’t seem to be an amazingly high number. The fact that she had a relationship with someone else when she was seeing you, is not terribly troubling if it occurred early in your relationship. When you are not exclusive yet, you are still free to be with others. Is that what Miranda did but stopped when she decided to be with you? If so, let the anxiety and fear, go, and move on.
There are bona-fide nymphomaniacs who feel compelled to have sex and will have it with anyone who is “available” if the urge strikes them, but I don’t think this describes Miranda. In fact, I would suspect that her interest in sex is simply that, an interest in sex. What man dislikes this?!
A loving, healthy relationship should make you feel good about yourself, not worried and upset. But self confidence starts within you. Inexperience with women, and perhaps lingering feelings from your divorce, may have made you wary of women, but you can’t spend your life looking around every corner, and reading into every comment and glance that Miranda makes, worrying all the time that she isn’t being true to you. Think carefully about your needs and goals, then talk to Miranda in very specific terms about them. The chances are that she wants these things, too. You just need to be re-assured. If it isn’t broken, don’t try to fix it!
Tony’s Take: First off , you are to be complimented for your faithfulness. Few men can resist the temptations which arise when you travel for a living and are very often alone with many available women around. But this gets to the core of your problem, that you are afraid of competition because you are not sure how adequate a lover you are having been with few, often inexperienced women.
Most men in your situation go for a much younger woman figuring they are less experienced and what experiences they have had have been with young and inexperienced lovers. Again you are to be complimented because you have chosen a women your own age, one who shares the same life experiences and influences that you have.
It is a principal of biology that hormonally men are more active and “require” having sex more often when they are younger, that urge tapering off with age. The opposite is true of women, although they may be a bit “wanton” when younger exploring the limits of their sexuality, the actual need and drive for sex increases with age. Both of these urges have genetic roots, in a tribe the young male can only get a woman pregnant if he is ready and able to steal the moment away from the older dominant male. Since pregnancy at too young and age is life threatening a younger female will keep away from situations where this might happen where conversely an older female requires more sex on average to get pregnant due to egg wall thickening and egg quality deterioration. You have a lower libido than she does, which is natural at your age, but quantity is not quality, if you make each time you have sex with her be meaningful (that is take the time to caress and kiss and “make love”) she will be happy and fulfilled as will you. Unlike men, women are not driven to have multiple sex partners at one time, they, on the whole, want one male they can “nest” with. A woman takes a lover other than her husband only if she feels unappreciated or ignored, so don’t do that. Always reinforce how much you love her and care for her.
You seem to want a contradiction — a woman at age 51 who does not have some history with men is either a) a former nun, b) In a coma for 30 years, c) frigid. You are getting the benefit of her knowing what to do and doing it properly, and not only that, but she enjoys doing it with you. Most men would kill to have a passionate woman — and you are second guessing this?! Here is the clue to getting over your anxiety, get her off first, If you can bring her to orgasm by kissing, touching, squeezing, caressing, pinching, licking, sucking, rubbing or fingering, then she is going to consider you a good lover. You can then have the most normal, dull or boring sex in the world and she will most likely climax again when you do. In fact, anything you do will be golden, because you were a considerate lover and made sure her needs were met. When she is lying in your arms afterward, you will know, without a doubt, that you are what she needs — and that she needs only you..
Here is a basic fact you should consider: if any of the men she was with previously was, on the whole, a better man than you are SHE WOULD STILL BE WITH THEM. She has chosen you and thus you fulfill a number of needs for her. Quit being stupid, and cherish this woman!