Alison and Tony: I’m 68 years old. I am still sexually active and quite fit. But as a widower who has been without a steady relationship for a while, I am getting impatient with the women I meet. They want to play coy and wait and wait until we have sex, but I’m not getting any younger and neither are they! I want sex on the first date and if I don’t get it, I am not interested in waiting around to see when they’ll be ready. Why Should I bother paying for drinks and dinner or even something more, if a woman is going to keep me waiting around for what I feel is one of the most important parts of connecting with a woman? I am wondering if you agree, and how I can get more women too see the wisdom in sex right away. None of these women are virgins and they’ve all been around the block at least a couple of times, so what’s the problem?
Alison’s Take: What kind of relationship are you seeking, Tom? If you just want sex, and you don’t want to be kept waiting, there are plenty of women who will “be interested” for the right price. But if you are seeking a real relationship with a woman, you are going to have to calm down and wait.
You come across as a misogynistic pig and unless you change your attitude, you’ll make a lot of women run away that could make you very happy, and this has nothing to do with age. When I was much younger, I had a date with a guy with whom I thought I had a great connection. We had a great time enjoying a movie and dinner and I really was looking forward to a second date and getting to know him better. But on the way back to the subway (he wasn’t a big spender) he suddenly turned to me and said: “I had a great time and now I’d like to have sex. We can go directly to my apartment, or we can go to yours. If you don’t want to I understand, but I’m not interested in seeing any woman who won’t have sex right away. I don’t like to wait for it. So what’s your answer?” I was shocked, then angry. I am sure you know my answer!
Tom, understand is that dating is not much fun. It’s awkward and often disappointing, But it is the process of discovery and of elimination one goes through until you’ve met someone special and you realize you want them (and for more than just sex) than anyone else. The fun (and the sex) usually comes after that, when you feel that “electric charge” holding hands, sharing a laugh, kissing, and finally, expressing your feelings in a more physical way. If you ask a woman out on a date, it’s for the purpose of getting to know her. Whether the date is a free walk in the park, or a fancy dinner, or something in-between, she doesn’t “owe” you favors for it, other than the pleasure of her company. That goes for women asking men out, as well. In fact, these days I strongly advocate that people pay their own way on dates, for the very reason that they don’t want someone like you pressuring them for “compensation,” later on.
I do agree that life is short and joy is fleeting and that sex is a very important part of a lasting relationship. When you are over 60, the courtship period has to be shortened, because you can’t wait for years as you might have once, to figure out if you want to be together. Statistically, you have less time to enjoy each other. And I’m also not suggesting that women of every age don’t want to have sex, because of course they do! But most would prefer to wait until they love, or at least like and know someone, before they get that intimate. That decision has nothing to do with a woman’s age, or whether a woman has been sexually active in the past or not. It has everything g to do with how she feels about a new partner. And it takes time and trust to figure that out. The right time to initiate sex is when you both want it. Some people make that decision quickly, but others could take weeks or even months to figure this out. So if you meet a woman you really like you are going to have to satisfy yourself in other ways until she is ready to take your relationship to the next level.
Women who want to be courted before they are comfortable enough (and feel enough for you) to be sexually active, will probably be a bad choice for you. There are plenty of places (especially online) where people are seeking sexual partners with no strings attached. If that’s really all you want, find them and be satisfied.
Tony’s Take: Tom: have you learned nothing about women in the last 68 years? Or are you going through a second childhood and are addicted to the concept of “booty calls”? Women above the age of 27 do not operate like that — I thought you would have noticed.
You are playing a predator’s game. You know there are a lot of unattached females in your age group and you are using your availability to extort sex for a little bit of companionship. Let’s look at what you say about yourself : “I want sex on the first date and if I don’t get it, I am not interested in waiting around.” It is lose lose for the woman. If she does not not have sex with you, them you leave. If she does “put out, ” you get bored and leave. Worse are your true thoughts: “Why Should I bother paying for drinks and dinner.” You are viewing these women as prostitutes. Here is a clue: there are a whole bunch of women advertising on backpage.com who will have sex on the first “date.” You just hand them the money that you would have spent on dinner and drinks.
With a woman, sex and intimacy are intertwined, as they probably should be. Biologically, all of the consequences of sex have fallen on the woman. Therefore, biologically, she is attracted to and wants to develop, a permanent relationship with someone who will not abandon her. Most women over thirty cannot enjoy sex which also does not fulfill her need for intimacy. She will therefore hold off on sleeping with a potential partner until she considers the relationship “serioua.” One night stands make her feel “used” (note that even I, as a male, gave up one night stands in my twenties, I put too much work and intimacy into being with a woman to know it will be gone in the morning).
This is even more significant when you’re dealing with more mature women. Since women tend to live longer than men, many older women are starved for male companionship. They will work hard to get it, and that makes them easy prey for the likes of you, Tom. Because of hormonal shifts, sex does not have the allure or pressure it had when they were younger. They might need lubricant to help, so sex is not spontaneous. If they were expecting only to go out for dinner, they may be unprepared. But most importantly, an older woman still desires and needs intimacy. She needs foreplay, both physical and verbal. She needs to feel like a woman (not an escort or a prostitute) in order to enjoy sex, and that often takes time. Life is very scary and lonely, you need someone to hold you who you can in turn hold. Sex is a great way to celebrate life and enhance intimacy, but ultimately it is companionship and caring which brings meaning, purpose and pleasure to life. Tom, those are the things you are not delivering and will not have, if you continue with the attitude you currently have.