Dear Leather and Lace: I’ve been enjoying your advice to other people on your website Leather and Lace Advice, but I wasn’t sure if I should write about my issue on that site, so I’m posting it here. I am 19 years old, and while I’ve had sex with men, I have developed a crush on my friend “Anne.” We got a bit tipsy at a mixer and ended up kissing, and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I really liked it, and we’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now. The thing is, I am really turned on by Anne and I have started looking at other women differently, but I still like men too. I am confused. Am I gay, Straight, Bi, or just confused.
Tony’s View: Sexuality in a woman is not as simple as gay or straight.
Since women must nurture both male and female children, women can bond with both males and females. The actual term “lesbian” can only be properly applied to a small segment of the female population as, as one of my more articulate “lesbian” friends put it “Being a Lesbian does not mean I have not or do not have sex with men, I have had sex with more men than 99% of the straight women, Lesbian means I PREFER women”. In actuality she is a female preference bi-sexual (f pref bi).
Women segregate into one of four groups, those that for various reasons find sex with other women distasteful or straight, those that have had or could be induced under the proper circumstances to have sex with another woman but their fantasies and identities are built around males (male preference bi-sexuals or “m pref bi”), women who have sex with women or men but prefer women (f pref bi) and women who have only willingly had sex with and fantasized about other women (those that really are lesbian).
The purpose of this explanation is to point out that even if you have had sex with another woman or have been attracted to another woman sexually you are far from being either gay or lesbian, you may just be a naturally freely loving and erotic woman. There are a lot of other factors that define your sexuality and simple labels should not force you into making rigid choices. Also, like other facets of our personality, preferences may change over time and circumstance (Anne Heche comes trippingly to mind).
A word of caution if you are f pref bi or lesbian, a m pref bi will break your heart. They can have sex with you, they can even love you as a friend but they will never have a relationship with you.
Alison’s View: You are only 19 (so you’ve just barely legally made it into Leather and Lace Spice). However, I think by now if you were truly only attracted to women, sexually, you’d know it. I doubt you are a true lesbian as Tony’s explanation suggests. At 19, you are still figuring a lot of things out, from what you want to do with your life and career, to what kind of person is your type. There will probably be more lovers to come. How lucky you are to have your whole life ahead of you to find out who is going to be in it!
For now, just relax. You wouldn’t be the first young woman to wonder what it would be like to be with another woman. You wouldn’t be the first young woman to experiment with another woman, either. Neither the thoughts, nor the actions, makes you remotely gay.
So you’re into Anne at the moment. It’s exciting to be into anyone when you’re young and well…excited. Love is love. But if I were you, I’d keep my options open. You can’t know for sure by having a bit of sex with one yummy woman, and eyeing a few other girls, that women are your favorite sex partners. Since you are also into men, continue to date men too. Don’t make yourself exclusive to anyone. I’d give you this advice even if you were just dating guys. You need this time in your life to meet lots of different people and if you want it, to have different sexual partners both male and female. I’m not advocating that you be promiscuous, just that you take the time to learn what you really want and need. And, of course, I insist as your “virtual cool friend and advisor” that you always practice safe sex –this is an absolute must. Then, after a couple of years and a lot of experimentation, if you really decide that women are your #1 thing, you can make your choices wisely.
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