I had sex with another man at my husband’s request, and now both of us are very sorry, We have been married a long time, and he told me from the beginning of our marriage that seeing me with another man was one of his top fantasies. I didn’t want to do it. I was completely against it. I was perfectly happy to just be with him forever and felt that the monogamous part of our relationship was something to be cherished, but over the years he talked about nothing else (especially during sex) and after being hounded relentlessly for years, I finally gave him hoping he wouldn’t want me to repeat it. He picked the man and set the scene. I didn’t have a thing to do with any of it. That night we drank and smoked some weed because I am shy and inhibited and I was really scared. Our sex life had been decent, but that night was the best I’d ever had. That man was gorgeous, sexy, and an experienced lover, much better than my husband and because I was so high I let myself become more uninhibited than I’d ever been before. I had sexual issues from abuse in childhood. Anyway, I had to admit that the experience was very powerful, and my husband saw how sexually aroused I was in ways he didn’t imagine. Now he is depressed and says he isn’t the man he thought he was, He doesn’t feel sexual anymore and says it is my fault and this is ruining our marriage. How could this be my fault when I didn’t want this in the first place? I love my husband and I don’t want to lose him. I haven’t seen the other man since that night and have no desire to do so, but the damage is done. My husband got what he wanted and damaged us and we’re both paying for it.
Tony’s Take: We have dealt with this topic before, but your story is a bit different because your husband wanted you to try something new and I do think he wanted you to enjoy it, while the wife who wrote to us in the other situation was clearly meant to be humiliated by her husband. He wanted to see his wife abused, although it didn’t work out that way. But, like most threesomes, unless there is something else tying them together, they will end badly as one person will always feel left out or dissatisfied.
The key here in getting your husband back to being a functional human being is in making him understand what it was like being abused and how that has hung you up sexually.You must make him understand that the response you had to the other man was only possible because of him, and that through this experience he has given you the security and the emotional support to be able to finally throw off the damage caused by your abuse. Yes you did not make this breakthrough with him, because he was the one originally healing you. But now that the breakthrough has been made, he will be able to touch you in ways that he couldn’t previously, and take you to peaks which are higher, and more fulfilling than this rented stud could. You have to make him understand that your body is more open to his touch and to his sexual manipulations. You say that this stud touched you in ways that you never have been touched. Make your husband understand that you wanthim to touch you like that as well. Make your husband understand that it has never been a size issue but how a person’s body is used. Teach him what was good about the other guy.
An intelligent man in this situation would learn that if his wife’s sexual vistas have expanded, now she will be more open to trying new things, new toys, penetrating touches, and oral sex of various kinds. What any one man can do, another can as well. If he isn’t stupid, if he studies your body and listens to your excitement, he can make every time better and more fulfilling for you and therefore, for himself as well. He has nothing to fear from now on, except losing his confidence for no apparently good reason.
Alison’s Take: You might be surprised to know that our reader question I Had Sex With Another Man While My Husband Watched on our sister site Leatherandlaceadvice.com is the number one top ranked most popular Q&A on that web site and by a wide margin. Apparently, couples are thinking about, arguing about, and having threesomes behind closed doors. While it sounds like a good idea to some, as Tony suggested, it doesn’t always go as planned, as many fantasies, don’t. And when a menage a trois trysts don’t fulfill the fantasy as the initiator expects, it can cause a lot of damage to relationship, especially those with unresolved issues or that are already failing.
No, this is not your fault. You agreed to do something you really didn’t want to do out of love for your husband. That you enjoyed it is an unforeseen consequences, primarily I think, of the drinking and drugs. I really don’t fault your husband either for wanting to try something with you that was a big fantasy for him, but I do fault him for hounding you into it when he already knew you had abuse issues and you made it clear you didn’t want to do it. Coercion in a relationship, especially in a sexual way, isn’t a loving gesture. And when your husband saw you getting drunk and high just to deal with having sex with this other man, he should have stopped it right then and there. Instead, he selfishly let it play out.
As with all fantasies, sometimes what you wish for isn’t what you get. When a sexual act is coerced as this one was, even if it brings some pleasure, the consequences are resentment and mixed emotions that inhibit intimacy way beyond the sexual act itself.
Your marriage is not over, but you have some serious work to do to repair it. Your husband acted selfishly and now he is being immature, blaming you for something you didn’t want and then crying that he is inadequate and faulting you, punishing you sexually and emotionally for his mistake. If you feel guilty it’s only because you actually had some pleasure from an experience you assumed would be humiliating and painful. But there is nothing wrong with feeling pleasure from sex when we are hard-wired as human animals to do so!
I would start by pointing out to your husband that the addition of drugs and alcohol changed your perception of your “good time” with this other man because it reduced your inhibitions, and therefore while you believe you had a fabulous time, under sober circumstances it might honestly not have been the same. Reassure him that you realize now it was the drugs and alcohol that made this look so pleasurable, and that you have no issues with him or his performance, and never did. After all, the only man you ever wanted to be with and still only want to be with, is him. You will have to stroke his ego and plenty of other parts of him as well to get him feeling “macho” as I guess he needs to be. But you also have to make sure that he knows that from now on decisions including fantasies have to be mutual ones.
As for you, this experience has brought you a lot of pain, but it has brought you something valuable: the knowledge that you can have additional sexual pleasure, as long as you have the power to control it. And you also have more influence in your marriage than you realized.The key is to use it wisely from now on.