Alison and Tony: My question is simple — I do risky things, does that make me a slut? Here’s the situation: My husband and I love each other a great deal and we are best friends. We have a lot of fun together and we have great sex, and quite often. My husband is a good man and treats me very well, but he has this fantasy of me being with other men, while he watches. What he wants is for me to give them hand jobs and oral sex while he watches (and he might like to participate, too). I am adventurous and I really want to please my husband, but I do have limited. Not long ago we visited a store that had video booths and for fun we went inside. We realized that we are in a room that was connected to our booth, and to our surprise, we soon were in the company of a stranger, a man with a very hard and large cock. I was a bit shocked, but my husband got very excited and wanted me do my thing on the strange man. I tried to do what my husband asked, but I felt extremely uncomfortable. I stopped what I was doing, and then my husband was disappointed, so much so in fact that he was not very loving to me for several days afterwards. He told me that he wants to go again, and that this time I should pleasure both the stranger and him. As I said, I am open to a lot of things, but I think this feels slutty and wrong. On the other hand, the other side of me things it’s kind of risky and exitiing as long as my husband is there to protect me. Do the two of you, Alison and Tony, think it’s ok, or a really bad idea?
Alison’s Take: If you do risky, naughty things, are you a slut? Well, depends upon the situation and also your definition of “slut.” Most definitions suggest that “a “slut” is person, especially a woman, who is considered sexually promiscuous., or a derrogatory term for any woman, especially a prostitute, or someone who is slovenly. So there are many ways to consider the word, and define it. Do you fit any of these dictionary definitions? People throw the word about like confetti these days.
Reading your note (which we have edited to protect your privacy and remove personal references). I’d say that you are adventurous and encouraged to be more so by your husband. He sanctions this activity and you’ve agreed to do it, but there is no denying that it is risky to have sex, especially unprotected sex and oral sex, with a stranger. I am sure your husband loves you and wants to protect you, but insisting upon servicing strangers while he watches is not looking out for your safety. If in fact, he wants to watch you with someone else, at least it should be someone who is a person won’t go crazy on you and can prove that he has a safe sexual status. In every case, you should not have oral sex (or any kind of sex) with someone who you don’t know, unless it is your husband or minimally, you have protection (e.g. a condom for every activity).
If you both want to do this kind of naughty/risky activity and you and your husband both want it, then don’t feel guilty about it. But you are right to feel wary, and if something doesn’t feel “right” you should not do it. I applaud you for stopping under the conditions you mentioned in your letter. That your husband was upset with you doesn’t seem at all caring. He is opening up your relationship in a way that might harm the good things you have, especially if you get sick or hurt from someone . I think where the slutty/dirty/wrong comes in mostly for you is in this aspect. You would have sex (of the type your husband wants) but not in an uncontrolled setting like a video both in an adult store. You need to help your husband understand that this is scary and risky and makes you feel bad, and if he wants you to fulfill his fantasy it has to be done in a controlled, safe environment. After all, if he asked you to throw yourself past a moving train to see if you could get to the other side you would instantly know this is unsafe. Having the type of encounters you are describing is not all that different from the train scenario as it is unpredictable, scary, and likely to hurt you.
Tony’s Take: As far as this feeling slutty and wrong, it feels exactly the same way to your husband, and that is the source of your excitement. It is titillating and a little bit dirty, but you tow still care about each other and love each other, so once it is sanctioned by both of you, it can possibly reinforce your bond. But there are two primary reasons why this scenario comes around. The last time we saw this type of activity it was to humiliate the woman (from our Leather and Lace Advice web site read:I Had Sex With Another Man While My Husband Watched ). This isn’t quite your situation, but from this post you can learn what the fallout can be from this kind of “adventurous” sex.
Fyi: although you do not specifically mention it, there are sub cultures in America such as biker clubs where voyeuristic sex is part of the bonding process; the alpha male having sex with the alpha female while the others look on.
Your husband is rightfully trying to share one of his fantasies with you, and if you can accommodate him then all is well. If you can’t, then you must let him know why it upsets you and if you can, make it up to him in other ways. But it is important to set limits in advance on how far you will allow things to progress, because you should reserve intercourse for your husband. Since you do not know the sexual history of these men we would strongly suggest that you use a condom if you are going to engage in oral sex. It is also of extreme importance that you know the other male well because things can get out of hand very quickly and the last thing you need is for something that you are doing for the love of your husband to turn into something ugly. To that end picking up people in a peep show is probably the worst possible thing you can do. Since by definition their sexual history is sketchy and their mental condition even more so.
Many couples I know have used male (as in men for women, not me for men) escorts for such a purpose. If you don’t want to use someone you know, that’s a better and safer option.
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