Why Are Men Clueless About Sex and What Women Want in Bed When Women Tell Them Exactly WHAT THEY WANT?
Dear Alison and Tony: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told my boyfriend this, but every time he touches me and I start to orgasm, he stops. I mean, I tell him not to stop, and the minute he feels me responding, he just drops his hand, or he starts to move in a different way just when it’s starting to feel great, and I lose my edge and feel frustrated even angry. Why can’t he listen to what I’m telling him and please me–how hard would that be?! Why are men so clueless about this? Your thoughts????
Tony’s Take: First you are correct, men are absolutely clueless, myself included. It took me a long time to realize that in a woman, once you start achieving sexual tension it is absolutely necessary to maintain the exact speed and motions that are getting her excited and not try to up the level of stimulation by moving faster or harder or in other areas. Ins sexual tension, a woman has to know deep in her mind that the person or thing causing the sexual tension will not stop until she has an orgasm. Once she is safe in that thought, it becomes much easier to bring her to orgasm.
Men have to be told an infinite number of times what to do because (as I already said), they are clueless and they don’t learn easily. This is because men are often working just on instinct not actually thinking about what they’re doing. The reason he stops just before your orgasm is because your breathing changes and he thinks you have achieved orgasm. He doesn’t look for the physical signs of orgasm (this spasmodic movements of the arms or legs, or loss of muscle tension in arms or legs, or the contractions of the vagina, and swelling of the clitoris which happen at the time of orgasm).
This inattention most often happens in a younger lover caught up in the passion of the moment. A more mature lover feeds back off of the arousal in their partner gauging their progress in the state of her breathing and the tension in her limbs and hands. Persisting on in their efforts through the initial phase of orgasm where she will try to push him away because of the unbearable tension, and persevering through to her ultimate climax when she collapses, satisfied and drained.
Alison’s Take: Tony has admitted what many women assume, that their male lovers really are clueless, but what I believe our reader is really saying is that her partner isn’t thinking about what she wants, but instead, is trying to offer her want he thinks she should want. He isn’t clueless, he’s just not that tuned in to her needs. Our reader’s boyfriend may be in the same room, in the same bed, and touching his girlfriend. but he’s not connecting with her and he’s not communicating with her. It could be due to the fact that he watches a lot of porn and assumes that whatever he sees on the screen is the way all women will react to a small amount of stimulation, or maybe he just isn’t listening carefully to what his partner says she wants, or his mind is just elsewhere and he’s on auto-pilot. But the end result is that she is ending up frustrated and possibly, unloved. Her boyfriend may actually really love her, care for her, and want to be with her, but when it comes to sex, he’s working on the assumption that what is good for him, is also good for her. He might insist that he really cares about her pleasure in bed, but actions speak louder than words. A man who is truly passionate, who is completely tuned into what his partner is feeling, and what she wants and needs, is rare and precious, but every man can understand simple commands and follow them if he wants to.
You can fool yourself into thinking that you can live quite well with someone without passion, intimacy and sex, but you can’t do so very happily without it forever. So if our reader wishes to remain with her boyfriend, He has to start pleasing her more, or the relationship with whither away. If he pleases her as she begs to be pleased, they will both be happier. To do so, he must start to educate himself (reading Tony’s post would be a good first step) and then once he understand how a woman’s body works, tune in to her responses and listen to her direct words. If he can’t or won’t provide the attention she deserves in the relationship, she is likely to go and find someone else who can and will provide it.
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