I am impotent, so when do I tell and what do I say?
Hi Leather and Lace. I am impotent and so my question is when do I tell and what do I say? Despite all my efforts, this is a medical problem that I cannot fix. I am so embarrassed about this, but I am a nice guy with a good job and a great personality. Alas, when women find out that I have this problem, they always seem to find some excuse why they can’t see me anymore. Naturally, I feel terrible about this. I know that this is something I can’t hide, but if I don’t tell women right away, they feel like I deceived them. If I do tell them, they don’t want to date me. No matter what I do, it’s going to end up badly. Advice, Please?
Charles, wondering what to do
Tony’s Take: Deep in her heart, every woman wants to be held. She wants to be hugged, she wants to be appreciated, she wants to be cared for, and she wants to be loved. Sex is important, but secondary to these primary needs. If you love a woman and she loves you, you can bring her pleasure in several hundred different ways, all of which do not require you using your penis. If you have ever watched a BDSM film, most of the acts involved don’t involve penetration, but rather the caressing kissing and squeezing of various parts of the body which you you are well capable of doing. You also have all sorts of toys and vibrators that can you give a woman pleasure. We have discussed a number of these on Leather and Lace Spice already, and will continue to review more of them.
As any spin doctor in Washington will tell you it’s not what you have to convey, but how you convey it. Impotence is a very harsh word it. It makes people think of Eunuchs. Why be so hard on yourself and scare women away when there is no need? You might do as other people I know of have done in a similar situations, and simply say (at the appropriate time, which might be before you are going to be intimate): “ It is hard to arouse me and harder to make me climax. You’re saying the same thing, but it doesn’t use that “I” word. The reason this works better is that in our society we are expected to minimize any faults, therefore, if you tell the whole truth people imagine that it is much much worse than the reality, because they automatically adjust their thinking.
If you appreciate women and love them and their bodies you can make some women incredibly happy and you can make yourself happy as well, because one of the great thrills for a male is making a female climax, while she is in his arms.
Alison’s Take: As I have said many, many times in all of my advice columns, dating is not a politically correct activity. And; dating is not a process of selection as much as one of elimination. Harsh as it may sound, when you meet people and date them, at some point the connection as a couple falls apart because one or both of you realize you’re not right for one another. The selection (as opposed to rejection) comes when you finally meet someone you want to be with, who wants to be with you just as much.
If you have an medical issue, or any issue for that matter, disclosing it accelerates the rejection or acceptance process. I agree with Tony that it is best to minimize the issue, but I don’t agree that everyone lies so every woman will believe you have something much worse that you haven’t disclosed. However, keep in mind that while there will be some women for whom your condition is grounds for rejection, other women will not even think to judge you based on sexual stamina alone. That said, rejection still hurts, and it is difficult not to take it personally, but when you are out there trying to meet someone, you have to be prepared for it. This is true for every person out in the ‘Meet market” whether they have a medical issue or not. You can’t make someone want you just because you are a nice guy. The women you really want and the ones who will accept you as a whole person, not just based on sexual performance, are the women you really want, too.
As Tony said (and I agree on this one), it is more about how you present the information (and when) that will help you find the success in dating that you want.
Impotence, or erectile dysfunction, is a common issue that causes a lot of distress to a lot of men, but it’s how you view it that matters. If you feel that you are “damaged goods,” you radiate it, and the women you want to date will feel your awkwardness and distress.
So you are impotent, and you say you can’t fix this (I’m assuming you have researched all the options, including medication and mechanical devices). and you wonder when it the right time to tell and what do you say? First of all, there is absolutely no reason to advertise this issue in a dating profile. In fact, there is no reason to tell someone you have just met about it. If you lead with this information from the start, you let a woman know this is of utmost importance to you — you highlight this issue as a negative, instead of highlighting the positive and wonderful things that make you a man that a woman should want to get to know.You won’t want to withhold this information forever, but until you have passed the initial stage when you’re getting to know someone, there is no point in revealing this. In fact, I’d suggest that the right time to divulge this is only when you are ready to take your relationship to the next and physical level. You can wait until you are both naked and between the sheets. As Tony mentioned, it is how you divulge this information that is critical to the outcome.
As a woman, I wouldn’t want to be “deceived” but if there has been no reason to discuss your condition until you are actually having physical contact, I’d wait until you are in the moment and then gently say the woman that she should not be worried if you don’t stay hard or climax. I would not use the term “impotent” or “erectile dysfunction” and I would slip it into the conversation like it isn’t a big deal. If you can’t do this without appearing nervous and overly apologetic, the woman will get the idea that there really is something very wrong with you and it will be a total turn off. If you are forthright about the issue and tell her about it briefly as we are suggesting, and without drama or apologies, followed up with great skills to make her experience mind-blowing, you are going to have a more positive outcome for both of you. In fact, if you can learn to satisfy a woman very well in other ways, she won’t really even notice that you have issues, she will just think you are a fantastic lover.
We are not saying you should lie, we are suggesting that you downplay the issue, and play up your skills as lover. The key is to success is to make sure you know how to please a woman with all the tools you have available, so that once you are together and intimate, she leaves feeling satisfied, cared for, and happy. Learn how to skillfully use toys, along with your fingers. Kiss passionately, and discover how to touch a woman’s body so that she finds it irresistible. None of this is magic, These techniques can be learned from easily accessible books and movies, and of course, you can learn with practice.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get to work learning how to make a woman want you more than any other man she has ever been with. You will succeed!