MY VIBRATOR THREATENS MY BOYFRIEND

Hi Leather and Lace ADVICE I have an issue with my boyfriend. My vibrator threatens him! I’m in my 30’s. a woman with a normal sex life and healthy libido. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend of four years, but I also like to use a vibrator to orgasm on my own. I masturbate mostly to relieve anxiety and sometimes to fall sleep. All men I’ve dated in the past have found this erotic and non one has ever complained or had a problem with my using a vibrator and masturbating with or without them. But my current boyfriend recently told me that he doesn’t like the fact that I masturbate (without him) and that he feels threatened by my vibrator. I have done my best to include him in my masturbation, and have attempted to involve a vibrator in our sex life hoping he’d get comfortable with that. I have tried to tell him that a vibrator could never replace him and that sex with him will always be better than anything I can do on my own or with a mechanical device. But nothing I say or do seems to make him comfortable. I know that he masturbates, so I think he has a double standard, but now I’ve started masturbating on my own, in private. I refuse to stop just because he has an issue, but I hate hiding from him. What should I do??

Signed “F” for Frustrated

Alison’s Take:

“F” Thanks for your question. As I read what you have written, it seems to me that your boyfriend is not so much threatened by a harmless piece of plastic as he is by the thought that you can give yourself pleasure without him, and that something other than his penis could give you satisfaction when he should be doing that. While it seems a bit immature to me, the idea of a mechanical device giving you pleasure obviously is a blow to his ego and the very thing that he can do for you that he feels no one (and nothing else) could or should do.

I am not sure if your boyfriend is really against the idea that women masturbate. Surely he does it, and he knows that it is a normal thing to do for most people. But some men are threatened by the very idea that “sisters are doing it for themselves” and that they really don’t need men to have pleasure. The fact is, you don’t need a man to masturbate yourself to orgasm whether you use a vibrator or not. Depending upon how your boyfriend was brought up, his view of this might be that a man’s duty and his right is to be a woman’s only method of pleasure. It is ridiculous and unreasonable, and you are going to have to work hard to change his mind about this.

First, you need to make him understand that there is no competition between the way he pleasures you, and the way a vibrator (or your fingers, or anything else) does. Pleasure is pleasure, but the intimate connection you have with him as lovers is paramount and nothing else will ever come close to that. You have said you’ve tried to convince him of this, but you need to try be even more reassuring.

Secondly, you need to show him that sex toys, including your vibrator, are not the enemy or competition, but tools that can help the two of you become even closer as lovers. It would be instructive to get one that actually benefits him in ways he never experienced personally before. For example, Tony and I reviewed a brand new and unique vibrator from Lelo on our sister site, Leather and Lace Advice, during the holidays. The The LELO Ida is made to be enjoyed by couples, worn by a woman, while she and her partner are making love. It is a remote-controlled couples massager with SenseMotionP>™ technology, which means that the man who is controlling it feels the same thing as the woman wearing the vibrator. As you incorporate items like this in your sex like, your boyfriend will start to realize that items like vibrators are nothing more than additional ways to enjoy pleasurable simulation, and they are not a substitute for sex with him.

Tony’s Take: “F,” You unfortunately have a very insecure male here who does not understand the use of sex toys, nor the fact that they are far more powerful when used by him then when you use them. It was a great revelation in my early sex life in my 20’s to find what glorious things and to what glorious heights I could bring a woman’s body to with a simple vibrator. I have used vibrators successfully to bring women who normally can’t orgasm to orgasm, and to teases normally orgasmic women to far higher levels than I can achieve in any other manner.

What your boyfriend does not understand is that the bullet-shaped vibrator is a tool, and that it is his skill that drives you to orgasm, and not the device itself. He does not realize that a vibrator in his hands is unpredictable from a woman’s standpoint, and thus heightens sexual anticipation and sexual excitement. By using a vibrator as pat of his lovemaking, he drives her to higher heights while saving his stamina and arousal for the main event.

“F, your boyfriend could really use a better understanding of a woman’s body. He has not learned that the key to an orgasm is convincing a woman’s body that a particular feeling will go on forever. This is why a vibrator, when used for masturbation, is so important for a woman. The tiny motion of her fingers may fail to excite her properly, but a vibrator is constant and unrelenting, always building towards the plateau. Thus, for many women, a vibrator is the best form of sexual relaxation or sexual tension release. Your boyfriend needs to experiment with using a vibrator. There is a difference between simulating the clitoral hood, stimulating the clitoris, the entrance to the vagina, actual penetration, and stimulation of the whole inner labial area. Each area has a different effect on the woman. and is part of the repertoire he should be using to stimulate her during foreplay as well as using the vibrator on the breast and nipples. Often, you can achieve orgasm in your partner using these techniques which makes a second orgasm during intercourse deeper and more fulfilling. Your partner needs to get over his insecurity about vibrators because until he learns how to use one properly, he will not fully understand the value to himself and to the relationship. F, you would be best advised to show him how a vibrator is used in each of the areas I discussed, and then have him repeat it so that he can get comfortable with it.
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