Q: The 50 Shades of Gray books are still so popular and I’m intrigued with the D/s BDSN lifestyle. Do real people live like Christian and Ana do? Can you tell me more about D/s and BDSM relationships? Do Doms and Subs spend all of their time having hot sex. If so, sign me up!
Tony’s Take: The question about how much of 50 Shades of Gray is reality is one that we encounter often. So let us continue to discuss 50 Shades of Gray, D/s relationships,power exchange & BDSM.
The short answer is that the author is familiar with the scene (that is, D/s, power exchange, and BDSM) and therefore is in it, or has a good friend who is in it, or is exceptionally well read. Given her basic mistakes about human nature, I personally guess one of the latter two. The reason I state that the author might not be directly involved in the scene is her implication that at the core, dominants hate women. Although I will admit many of the dominants I have met have had upbringings which were less than warm and fuzzy, they don’t hate women. In fact, due to their early lack of touch and affection , they love women. The submissive is the expression and repository of that love. The first thing that is disturbing about Christian Gray’s behavior is that he treats submissives like tissue paper, easily discarded. You cannot possibly be a good dominant and not care for your submissive. Most dominants love their submissives at some level, because you cannot put the time and effort into a submissive without that type of relationship.
It is also important to note that a submissive is not a slave in that she has a choice. What she does, she does willingly. Nor, for the most part, would most dominants want a woman who has no will of her own, because like all relationships, it is a fight against boredom. If a submissive has no will of her own, she can only be a reflection of his own will and thus, ultimately, boring. This also extends to the real world. A submissive has a life of her own, and this is especially true where the D/s relationship is only in scene, (the D/s relationship only exists at specified times or places). It is the sharing of that daily life with her dominant which is pleasing to both of them, as it should be with any more conventional relationship.
I also want to mention the contract that Christian Gray gives to Ana. Yes, like any celebrity, anyone with whom Christian is personally involved, would be under non-disclosure. One might assume that he would actually create a contract relating to his submissives as well, but in the real world, although discussion and communication between the dominant and submissive is very important, rendering it as a physical document is pretense. The contract however, as a list of discussion and agreement points, is important and illustrative, and opens lines of discussion which need to be explored over time.
One item which was not make clear in 50 Shades of Gray but was implied, is that Christian wanted to share his world with Ana. When a dominant submissive relationship is one of total control, where the dominant dresses the submissive and looks out after her diet and physical well being, it is so that she has the confidence and appearance to accompany the dominant in any situation. It is here that we see the real sharing of lives between a dominant and submissive.
Which brings me to comment on the variety and frequency of sex in the 50 Shades of Gray Books. We are looking at two different phenomenon here. When people are newly “in lust” they do tend to “fuck like bunnies.” But that will moderate with time. It does, however, bring up an important point about why there are all of the toys and tools involved in BDSM. Sex, even great sex, done exactly the same way all of the time, becomes boring and less satisfying. A good dominant knows this, and therefore mixes up what activities are used to create arousal and eventual orgasm. By mixing things up, he keeps even the vanilla stuff interesting longer and as the relationship matures, by introducing new techniques or new variation on old techniques, he can keep creating the same level of excitement and satisfaction that marked the beginning of the relationship.
Alison’s Take: Tony brings up some very interesting and important points about 50 Shades of Gray, D/s relationships, power exchange & BDSM the D/s lifestyle. I am someone who has has less experience with this than perhaps he has, so I am making my comments based mostly on what I have read extensively about in erotica. As I have said many times in my takes on this web site and on our sister advice site, Leather and Lace Advice, fantasy is fun, but it is not reality. Erotic books are written to produce certain physical and emotional responses, but they’re not necessarily grounded in real life scenarios. I am concerned that some people do confuse the fantasy with real life. In virtually every single book that I have read (and there have been many), the people involved are not living realistic lifestyles. They rarely have jobs. They never seem to deal with daily chores, and few interact with family issues or other types of important, serious concerns. Instead, the books portray only the insatiable sexual relationships between the doms and subs, with little else going on in their lives. The plots and details aren’t the point, of course, it’s the sex and romance that are the focus, But I always wonder, as I close the cover of the book I’ve just finished, how that relationship will play out over time. I should think that with little else in common besides wild sex, the couple would soon tire of each other and split up.
While Christian Gray and his ilk are potent fantasies, women are particularly vulnerable to the idea that if they merely agree to become a submissive, all of their needs would be satisfied, all of their worries, erased. More troubling to me is the vision that a woman could simply “become” a submissive if that is not in her nature to begin with, or that the man she is with could “become” her Dom, if that is not in his nature. It is also troubling to me that women believe that a good looking man with plenty of disposable income will become their Dom and spend lavishly on them, simply because they are willing to agree to whatever this man wants. In fact, these relationships do exist in real life, with women such as trophy wives. But women who are not young, particularly beautiful, and who are equal in intellect and wealth also find themselves attracted to the D/s lifestyle. Many if not most women might have in the past found their way to this lifestyle in their earlier years, but today’s 40-50, 60 year olds and beyond are not the women of past generations, and they are exploring new ways of living and loving that their mothers and grandmothers never even dreamed of. They can not, and should not be discounted!
One additional comment on this pertains to the relationship between Christian and Ana in 50 Shades of Gray. Christian “gives” Ana the opportunity to run her own company, but then controls everything she does behind her back, and puts so many obstacles in her path that she ultimately cannot make independent decisions (unless he has without her knowledge, pre-approved them). He has set it up so she cannot fail, but she also cannot succeed because she cannot learn from her mistakes. She is a stunted child. She cannot grow into an interesting woman, simply because Christian does not allow her to become one.
Another issue that worries me about how the D/s lifestyle is portrayed in 50 Shades of Gray and similar books is how it might appeal to a certain type of man. It is clear to me that there is a segment of the male population for whom being a Dominant is attractive not because he wants to be a genuine part of a caring and consensual relationship in that lifestyle, but because he sees it as a way to control women and worse, abuse them. While those in the lifestyle may shun these men, they are out there, and unsuspecting women who don’t know any better will be harmed. Additionally, there is another segment of the male population for whom this will always be just about sex. Swingers clubs have always existed, but the notion of a D/s relationship being about anonymous scenes with strangers, when the main idea is supposed to be about connecting, caring, communication and trust, is disturbing. I wish more authors would write books in this genre about real life couples who also have erotic lifestyles, instead of just erotic fantasy with nothing but the sex scenes. After a while, even hot sex, gets boring.
alison and tony of leatherandlacespice.com discuss 50 Shades of Gray, D/s relationships,power exchange & BDSM
Follow Us!