A Real-Life Dom Dishes His View Of Doms and Submissives:
By the first week of April 2015, the R-rated adaptation of 50 Shades Of Grey, EL James’ erotic novel topped $566 million, and it’s still going strong at home and overseas. There is also at least one more sequel in the works. Leather and Lace Advice has nothing against fantasy, but we want our readers to be aware that the books and the movie are not representative of what a real Dom and Submissive, or D/s relationships, are really like. We have already featured a two-part interview with Nina Hartley and Ernest Greene who do live a D/s lifestyle, but we thought you might like to hear about how another real-life dom (who prefers to remain anonymous, and we have respected his privacy), views his relationships with a Submissive. *we have included some basic terms in case you need them.
As always, we welcome your comments and questions.
Life is about having someone to hold and being held by them. We only know we are truly alive when we have physical contact with another person.
While physical contact is essential for every relationship, when considering a D/s relationship (Dominance/Submissive relationship – the consensual empowerment of one partner by the other for erotic enhancement), it takes on even more importance, because the ultimate pleasure for a dom (Dominant, Dom, Domme- the person who is given control in a consensual exchange of power). is holding his submissive (Submissive, Sub – one who surrenders control of her body and behavior within pre-defined limitations, to another for erotic play) as he causes her to orgasm. At the heart of it, a dom likes to play with the body of the sub. At the heart of it, every sub likes her body to be played with. The reason for this is the same as for understanding the power exchange between submissive and dominant. The submissive exchanges the power over her own situation in order to be surprised and delighted in ways she could not comprehend or imagine absent this relationship.
A dominant looks at a submissive’s body as an instrument to be played, to create compositions which bring her joy and fulfillment. The crafting of a beautiful fulfilling scene for the submissive (time and place for erotic play where a dominant assumes his role as a dominant and the sub assumes her role as a sub) often begins by an informal or formal “collaring” process (a symbol of surrender worn by a submissive around her neck) whereby the dominant puts the sub’s collar on to begin the scene and the sub removes it at the end of the scene). This leads to the satisfaction and fulfillment of the dominant. For the dominant, it is not his sex act which is primary. Indeed, intercourse is rarely the only element or primary element in a scene .In fact, with many dominants, they will reserve their own orgasm until the end of the scene or withhold it entirely, since it is not relevant to the picture/composition that they were creating with the submissive.
One of the troubling aspects of modern day relationships is that (in a vanilla relationship) if a couple is not good about communication and not good about sharing their fantasies, the relationship does not grow and fantasies are not realized. Contrast this to the dominant/submissive relationship where hard (agreed upon non-negotiable) and soft (agreed upon potentially negotiable) limits are set in advance, so that all that couples are free to exercise t heir fantasies and stretch their limits, but do it within their comfort level. If something is not a hard limit, it is potentially allowed. This enables the dominant to use many different techniques and many different fantasies, all of which heighten the anticipation of the submissive. This heightened anticipation leads to heightened sexual tension, which generally leads to orgasm.
This is not to say that the dominant and submissive may not enjoy regular sex outside of a scene , but in crafting the scene, it is easier to control it if it is focused entirely on what is happening to the sub’s body.
A true dom must care for and about his sub. He has pride in his sub. He wants his sub to be the best woman she can be, and he wants her to have a happy life.
Depending upon the level of power exchange a dom becomes very involved with making his sub’s life better. Taken to the extreme, he may be organizing gym membership and training, organizing healthy eating and vitamins, helping with wardrobe selection, makeup, her perfume, speech, deportment. As with her orgasm, a dom is creating a ‘scene” whereby his sub has a better and more productive life and he expresses his caring through the pride he holds in her, and the care he takes in helping her to be a better person.
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Readers: what do you think of this feature? Would you ever consider being in a D/s relationship? If you are in one, dos this express your relationship dynamic?