My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t include me in his plans and he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I don’t mind if he goes out and does his own thing but he NEVER thinks of what I’m doing and that if he goes out, then I’m alone and I become the automatic puppy sitter (we live together with a 3-month old pup). He plans events I’m not interested in, with people I don’t have anything in common with. We haven’t been on a date with each other in like…forever. Worse than that, we used to have amazing sex and now he has no sex drive. He says that he loves me so much and still think of me all the time. So what gives? I’m confused.
Alison’s Take: There’s not really enough information here for us to make real judgments about what’s happening in your relationship. But assuming that is is reasonably healthy and you aren’t fighting about major issues, I’m going to make some educated guesses. You have been living together for a while, and I am guessing that the proverbial bloom is off the rose. In other words, the honeymoon is over and the hot sex and being so into each other every moment, has faded into memory. When you are first in love, everything about that new love is so wonderful, so exciting, and you can’t bear to be apart. And the sex is amazing too, because s/he is new, exciting, and you haven’t had many conflicts or issues to deal with. It’s just all one fluffy, pink cloud of love, love and more love. But then you become a real couple. And when you finally move in together and make an actual commitment, reality sets in. All those cute little quirks that you found so endearing can become annoying. You begin to see the real person for who s/he is. You are no longer on your best behavior, and you have actual chores, and stresses of daily life to deal with. All of a sudden, he’s snoring in your bed, and you’re leaving your personal items all over the bedroom. Then it’s not so adorable anymore. Your tolerance limit lowers a bit. And maybe it lowers just a bit more when you’re not dating and doing things outside of the house so much. Sitting on the couch snuggling and watching TV together startsto get a bit boring (read: I’m Bored, All My Live In BoyFriend Wants to Do Is Sit On The Couch And Watch TV). After a year or so the wild sex might be “mild” sex, and then maybe less and less because you know that person is always going to be there and so there’s always “another night.” In other words, you start to take each other for granted. Sometimes, especially if you jumped into a relationship with someone, you might suddenly realize that once the lust is gone, you really don’t have a lot to keep you together, and you think:” What did I ever see in this person?” (Read: We Don’t Have Anything in Common – Do We Have A Future?).
I know this sounds a bit depressing, but it is a trap that many longer term couples fall into. Again, I don’t know what you particular issues are with your boyfriend, but I’m guessing that he is bored and perhaps, just feeling like he needs to get out and live a little. If you are both young (you didn’t say) he might also be feeling like he needs to have some space to let loose a bit. No couple should be joined at the hip. In a healthy long term relationship, both parts of the couple should cultivate their own friends as well as friends they see as a couple. Every woman needs a few good girlfriends with whon she can go out and socialize. Why aren’t you doing that when your boyfriend is going out with his friends? If you feel that his friends have nothing in common with you, you and your boyfriend might consider taking up a new hobby (e.g. dance classes or cooking classes) where you will meet other people who share these interests, and you’ll make new friends with couples you can both socialize with.
Puppies are very needy, and should be a shared responsibility. If your relationship is keeping your housebound and you are resenting it, the puppy is a bad idea. I wouldn’t suggest you get rid of a dog you love (if you both do love the dog) but your boyfriend has to step up and take some care of it, or you would be better off giving the little puppy to a home where it will get attention from every member of the family, and not just one person. Their puppy right now is an additional strain on what you are describing as a relationship already under stress.
Tony’s Take: Well the good news is that he didn’t wait till you got married. His response is sadly one often associated with an immature male getting married. He has moved you from hot girlfriend category to mommy/mother/caretaker category. Your role is now not to share his life but rather to create a comfortable home for him. He is channeling the bad relationship between his father and his mother and because of this no longer sees you as a sexual being but rather as a high class roommate.
Your road here is very tough. You need to change him while still respecting him which is practically impossible. For the most part your efforts will go to improve to lot of the next woman in his life unless you resign yourself to the role of asexual caretaker.
You may try the last ditch efforts to revive your romance concentrating on being the elements of his sexual fantasies. You may try to bond with him in activities different than the ones he shares with his friends, and you may try to involve him in activities with your girlfriends and their spouses. If he is close to maturing these efforts may help. However, given his current behavior he is so tied up in being the carefree immature 20-year old that he will not respond positively to any of these efforts.
Quite honestly, you have matured more rapidly than he and need a more mature and caring guy. You will increasingly resent your immature boyfriend and become increasingly lonely while supposedly being together. The really sad part here is he has already set himself up to cheat on you by putting you in a position where he views you as sexless. Fortunately, unlike children, you can leave him to deal with the puppy when you go out and find someone who appreciates a woman as wonderful as you.
*has the romance gone out of your relationship? Read: How to Enhance Romance Every Day Right Now Don’t Wait, and get some ideas to put the spark back into your lives!