I am infatuated with her and I can’t move on
Dear Leather and Lace” Please help me! I met a really beautiful girl at a party and to my surprise, she said she was attracted to me right away as I was to her….but when I called to ask her out on a date she refused to see me again. Since then I have met other people but this girl has been on my mind and I just can’t shake her! The problem is that now I guess I compare the other women I meet to her. While some are nice, none of them measure up to her. What can I do to get her off my mind (since I know she is not thinking about me) and “move on.”
Alison’s Take: You felt something for a moment. You met a pretty girl and you were attracted — ooh a pretty thing!!! But was there more than just a visual that kept her on your mind? How long did you really talk to her and spend with her? If just an hour or so, you probably didn’t get all the information you really need to know that she is the standard by which all other women should be measured. Isn’t it a little bit unfair to all the other worthy women out there to hold them up to a vision you hold like this??
Consider that dating is a process of elimination, not of selection. So it’s important to learn not just what you want, but when the time is right to connect. This women with whom you felt a spark apparently felt it too, but when she thought about it, something made her decide that either the timing wasn’t right, or she was looking for something else in the man she wanted to date. If you take it personally it will drive you half crazy –and you shouldn’t (take it personally, I mean).
Don’t ruin your happiness by moping around and thinking about what could have been, think about what will be! Use the experience –that initial spark you felt, to help find that right girl by figuring out what that initial attraction was –if it was more than just good looks.
So what can and should you do next? First, it’s time to really consider what turned your head to the point that you can’t think of anyone else (again, assuming it wasn’t just her looks). The reason is that people don’t come in ready-made packages. Your special woman will walk right by you and you won’t have a clue that she did so — unless you know what you are looking for. What kind of values, interests, and other things would make you happy, long term, in a relationship? Physical attraction, especially for young men, is a powerful thing, but a pretty woman who doesn’t share the other things that you value, wouldn’t be a good match for you. Use this time to really think about the type of personality, values, interests and goals you desire. Consider your own assets and liabilities as well, since at least this time, you didn’t close the deal with this person.
My wise grandmother used to say (as did many wise grandmothers, I’m sure): “There is more than one lid for every pot.” Your lid(s) are out there waiting for you, so stop thinking so much about this one woman, and start thinking about all the possibilities you can have with the rest of the world of women, waiting out there for you! When the two of you do connect, this woman who is so omnipresent in your mind and heart right now will become a distant memory.
Tony’s Take: At a party or other social function involving alcohol our inhibitions are reduced and our the games we play socially are often abandoned. So at this party you saw a true version of this woman without her schemes or irrational expectations in place. However, when she went back to the real world, the expectation of who she should date by her own standards, by her peer standards, and/or by her parents’ standards, kicked in. Rather than exploring something new with you, she decided to listen to those inner voices which demanded she go after a particular type of male or even a particular male, and she backed away. . It is her loss not your loss. There is an excellent chance that if she is unmarried a decade from now, you and she might well get together if the stars align. But it will take her at least that long to figure out that people don’t show up built exactly as you ordered them or that your peers or your parents ordered them. And after all, it makes no sense to sit around and wait for a decade for someone who might not even be the right one for you.
That said, yes, I agree that you should compare other people to her but in a different way. You found acceptance and affection in that short period of time with her. This is what you should be looking for . Quite honestly, it matters less how beautiful a woman is than how much she loves you , cherishes you, is passionate about you, is accepting of you, and in return, is fascinating to you. If a woman loves you and does not bore you you can be together forever.
Always On My Mind”
(originally by Brenda Lee also sung by Willie Nelson)
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn’t treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I’m sorry I was blindYou were always on my mind
You were always on my mindAnd maybe I didn’t hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I’m so happy that you’re mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the timeBut you were always on my mind
You were always on my mindTell me
tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I’ll keep you satisfied[Instrumental Interlude]Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the timeBut you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
songwriter Johnny Christopher, Mark James and Wayne Carson Thompson.
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