Hi Leather and Lace Advice (Alison and Tony)” I used have a great job, but then the non-profit I worked for, folded and I’ve been out of work for about a year. I know I’m not the only one in this situation, but I’m single and trying to date. Most of the women I meet still expect a man to pay for the date, at least the first couple. I am not cheap, but I can’t afford expensive dinner dates — I can’t even really spring for more than a cup of coffee and a donuts unless the woman pays for herself. I do tell the women I’m interested in that I’m unemployed and I try to suggest fun, free things to do, but most women are materialistic and don’t want to be bothered. Also, I don’t have a car (so we have to take the bus or the woman has to drive). This is not just humiliating, it’s a total turn-off for women. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to be lonely, just because I’m unemployed but I don’t know how to handle this. Any suggestions?
Girls are fakin’ goodness sakin’
They want the man who brings home the bacon
Got no money and you got no car
Then you got no women and there you are
Some girls are sadistic, materialistic
Lookin’ for a man makes them opportunistic
They’re lyin’ on a beach perpetrating a tan
So a brother with the money can be their man
So on the beach you’re strollin’ real high rollin’
Everything you have is yours and not stolen
A girl runs up with somethin’ to prove
So don’t just stand there bust a move
Young MC – Bust A Move
Songwriters Matt Dike, Marvin Young, Mike Ross
Tony’s aka. “Leather’s” Take: You can approach this issue in one of two ways, either by embracing your status as the lesser contributing partner in a relationship or by seeking out women who will share costs and understanding of your situation. On the whole, women are better educated, and make up a larger percentage of professional positions than men do and therefore some can afford to if not pay for you, at least share in the costs, the compensation being your being a fascinating, loving, romantic companion. (the minor at this point pay discrepancies are directly attributable to time in job which men still have an advantage in since they do not take extended maternity leaves). Additionally, since women live longer, they may end up inheriting very large estates.
Having worked for a non profit, you should have realized how many attractive and eligible women are philanthropic. These women want to be loved and appreciated and if you can truly love and appreciate a woman, they would be attracted to you no matter what your situation. Likewise, a male who truly cares for and cares about women is a rare enough commodity that if you look in the proper places (e.g. the aforementioned charity events) the women will find you.
All you need do is go on any dating service, be honest about yourself and your situation, and if you are realistically looking for someone your own age, women will find you because most guys are looking for 20 year old sex fantasies, not real women.
Starving artists have survived and “dated” successfully for centuries offering little more than you do. The key to their success is the attention they pay to their women and by being fascinating. You need to be interesting and have interests but have enough sense to be interested in what your partner has to say and in their life.
Alison’s aka. “Lace’s” Take: When I edited this Q&A I couldn’t help but think about the song “Bust a Move” by Young MC. Like it or not, dating costs both emotionally and financially. There is a bit of truth to the saying that women” want the man who brings home the bacon so if you got no money and you got no car, then you got no women and there you are! “ But the song is meant to be funny — it’s not really true except for shallow gold digging bimbos. We all know that not all women are “opportunistic and materialistic.”
As Tony mentioned, lots of women really do make more money then men, or at least they can bring home their own “bacon” and they aren’t looking for a man to depend on to support them. In fact, there are plenty of women who are the primary or sole breadwinners of the family.
I have always advised people who have an issue, whatever it is (Read: Should I Disclose My Disability on a Dating Site? ; Read: I Met Someone I Like But I Have A Secret; Read: I’m Disabled, Not Dead! ; Read: I’m Impotent, What do I Tell and When? Read: I’m Fat, Why Can’t I Get Someone to Date Me? ) that is isn’t so much what the issue is, as how you present it. If you put your issue first, front and center, and you present it in a negative way,why would anyone want to date you? All they will see is someone who is down and out with no money, no car, and someone they will have to support emotionally and financially –for who knows how long?! But if you show yourself first as a confident, interesting, worthy individual who is actively working on bettering himself, plenty of women (not gold diggers) will give you a chance. In the end, good women who care for you, not your wallet, are the ones most men desire!
Lots of people lose jobs, and sometimes, fortunes.Consider broadcast journalist Larry King, who to file for bankruptcy after accumulating more than $350,000 in debt, but that same year was hired to host a night-time talk show, then hosted “Larry King Live” for 25 years and made as much as $10 million a year before he retired. That’s just one example out of many. The point is, “winners” are don’t just focus on their shortcomings. They are onfident people who know that even though right now they’re “down and out” they won’t always be there. They’re busy working their way back up, and most do even better than before. It is the assurance that you won’t always be out of work and out of cash that will make your situation acceptable to women who might see a future with you.
The practical issues of financing a love search are another matter. If you can’t pay for expensive dates, you have to make women feel that they are incredible special and that the activities you are planning are so incredible unique they’re tempted to do them because they want to, not because they are expensive. This takes ingenuity on your part. What is around you (for free) that would entice someone to want to spend an hour, an afternoon, and evening, a day with you? . Research the things in your area that are “hidden” or have “history and offer to be her tour guide. If you are good with a camera, suggest spending the day photographing flowers, animals at the zoo, and her. Women are wowed by men that can cook, so learn a few things then plan a picnic with your can’t-resist-them cupcakes or scones. For a blind date or first date off the net, avoid the coffee shop and meet in a public place instead such as the park or the waterfront (more romantic and interesting too). You bring a thermos of coffee (you made it at home so no extra cost) and some of your cupcakes or scones (learn now) .If she is wondering why you’re avoiding the diner or the coffee shop, you simply say it’s so much nicer to meet and talk when you’re not crowded into a noisy Starbucks. You will stand out as creative, thoughtful, romantic, and interesting. Use your head and you’ll not only get the girl, you’ll get back to work more quickly too!