It’s been a while since we have added anything to leatherandlaceadvice.com. There are many reasons for this, some better than others, but we’re back! To keep things fresh, instead of starting with a question and then the Q&A, we are beginning with a semi-fictional story. It illustrates a genuine question sent by readers. It’s entertaining but also a teaching tool. The points made in our double-take answer are those everyone should keep in mind when they are about to commit.
“After his divorce, Dan was not trapped into marriage with his second wife Miranda. He willingly raced into it. Miranda was everything that his ex-wife wasn’t. Dan was lonely. His ex-wife moved in with another woman and they had nothing to do with Dan since no children were involved.
Dan loved being a competitive runner and a Trekkie who loved going to Star Trek conventions. Unfortunately, Dan fell during a marathon and required surgery on his back. Miranda was a pretty volunteer at the hospital (and a physical therapist). Who offered attention and a sympathetic ear to patients. But she spent many hours with Dan as he was recovering. She told him that she loved to run and said she couldn’t wait to Star Trek Conventions with him. Dan noticed that Miranda looked great and was into the same things he was into. Also, she was so different from his ex.
When they started dating, Miranda wore sexy outfits and a fragrance designed to whip up the pheromones (natural sex attractants). Dan noticed. After a few months, Dan realized that she was everything that this ex-wife wasn’t. She might be the perfect woman.
The Honeymoon’s Over:
Av few months later they tied the knot in a lavish ceremony. But after the honeymoon, Miranda lost her job and didn’t try to find another one. She slept until noon and wore sweats. They never tried to run together. Miranda convinced Dan that it wasn’t safe for his back and really, she didn’t like running anyway. They also never got to a Star Trek Convention (Miranda said it was too far to travel). Their intimate relationship ended quickly after the honeymoon. She just wasn’t really into him. Miranda also cut him off from his friends, saying that she was his wife now, and that should be enough companionship.
A Bad Mistake:
Dan realized that he had made a terrible mistake, but he stuck with Miranda. He couldn’t help remembering how lonely he was without a woman at his side. But he felt cheated and betrayed. He realized that they had never discussed heavy subjects. Even Miranda agreed that in a rush to be together, neither was listening to the other very carefully. Dan wondered, now what should I do? Should I try to make this work, or should I be a two-timer loser in the game of love?
There is a great deal of truth to the expression marry in haste, repent at leisure. The problem with rebound relationships is that you end up looking for a person who has all of the qualities that your previous relationship, lacked. However, since you are recently out of a relationship that by definition had some good qualities that you needed or wanted, you assumed that the newer relationship will have those same qualities even though the person has not shown them. This is a natural assumption which one must be very careful to guard against.
For example, your current relationship is with someone who is personable and intelligent. Your previous relationship was with someone who was your intellectual inferior. But your previous relationship was warm, intimate, and physically loving in the way you want.
Your problem at this point is to weigh the good qualities in the person you’re with against your need for qualities they lack. Remember forever is a very long time and things do not get better with time because with time, little things that you can overlook now end up aggravating you. Since your bonding is less than perfect because of these lacking attributes do you let things fall apart now when it is easy to separate or do you wait years until children and assets make it nearly impossible?
They say love can conquer all, but really, it doesn’t.
If you don’t take the time to delve past the surface, you are heading for a lot of trouble.
For example, If you dream of having children and your new love is uncomfortable around your nephews and nieces, it’s not something to ignore, it is essential to talk about it. Another example: if you love your urban life but your partner often says his dream is to be a farmer (and you make it clear that’s not for you), you might find yourself feeding the chickens out in the middle of nowhere and resenting it.
Dan was lonely and looking for something (as Tony said) that wasn’t the same as what he had before. I agree that he jumped into a relationship without considering what his new love might like to be to live with long term. Miranda agreed with Dan and told him whatever she thought he wanted to hear so he would want her. But neither she nor Dan ever looked beneath the surface. It was a bait and switch. However, once “hooked, Dan was disappointed and he didn’t know what to do with a lazy possessive wife.
So now you have two unhappy people in a marriage with issues that might be mediated with couples therapy. But again, maybe not. The lesson here is that when someone seems “right” you still have to have the courage to scratch the surface with difficult discussions before you move too far forward. See what is really beneath the veneer shown while dating. Look at whether you are compatible and of the same mind and lifestyle.