here are some tangible tokens of my love!
My boyfriend (call him “Frank”) have been in a relationship for four years He is a nice guy who treats me well. My issue is that he never buy me anything — not for birthdays, holidays or our anniversary or for any other reason. I am not greedy, but I feel that after four years he should have given me some tokens of his love, no matter how small or inexpensive. I have given him gifts and he has always liked them and used/worn them. So why wouldn’t he reciprocate? I have directly told him more than once how happy would be if he’d give me a little something now and then, but he has never responded to my wishes. Should I be worried ?
Signed “Anita”
Tony’s Take: One of the big indicators in any relationship is how much a person thinks about the other person, and this is most often expressed as little or thoughtful gifts showing how the person understands you, and thinks about you. Big gifts (birthdays, holidays, etc) are a celebration of you, showing that the person you are with honors and cherishes you. Even a person who gives bad or cheap gifts is still giving you gifts which is a form of attention which is also a form of honoring you even if said gifts are below par.
Although you didn’t state I assume that you have been giving him some gifts within your ability to do so, which means he is actively ignoring the situation. Any thinking or feeling human being would get the point.
Should you be worried? Yes, definitely! There is a huge difference between a bad gift, a cheap gift, and no gift at all. is clear. No gift indicates that he is not thinking about you. You are not a person, you are merely someone he takes when he wants to go out and do something that requires a companion. He feeds you because he likes eating good food. He treats you well when you are with him because he likes things to be happy. He has made no mental commitment to you as a person. You are merely there as a convenience to his life. Four years is two years beyond the commit or get out stage so at this point in time he takes you for granted and gives you minimal amount of himself in forms that are convenient and pleasing to himself. If I were in this situation I would leave.
Alison’s Take: Anita, if it makes you feel any better, we receive many letters like yours with varying issues. But the core of the problem remains the same for everyone: gifts are a show of esteem, love, affection and sometimes, obligation. When someone cares about you, normally they celebrate your life’s moments or sometimes just want to show you a tangible token of their affection. Whether it is the proverbial gold watch at retirement, or a bar mitzvah gift, or something more personal such as a birthday gift for your special someone (or any time just to delight them), gifts help mark those occasions.
There are a lot of people (both men and women) who either didn’t grow up in a home where gifts were given, or they are stingy, or they are afraid to give the wrong thing so they give nothing at all. But society and tradition still push some of these people to give gifts when appropriate. I would assume the your boyfriend already knows (you told him directly) that you would like him to celebrate you with an occasional token of his love, which you could treasure. That he refuses to do it while accepting your gifts, makes me think that either he comes from group A (the ones who never received or gave gifts as a child), or to be kind, he might be the type of man who just doesn’t know what to give you, so he doesn’t do it. If you have spent four years together, you probably know if he has given gifts to other people (e.g. gifts at holidays, mother’s day, weddings, etc.) . If he does gift others and not you, that is a huge red flag. However if he doesn’t give any gifts to anyone, that is how he is.
What worries me more is that he isn’t trying to meet your needs. You have told him many times how much you’d like him to give you something and yet he still ignores you! Most men are task oriented and they will usually try to please the woman they love (if it’s not insanely difficult). That your boyfriend won’t do this even with a direct request that couldn’t be mis-interpreted tells me volumes about him. Even giving him a lot of slack, I grudgingly agree with Tony that you should be worried and take his lack of consideration for your needs, seriously.
If you want to give this one more try, take a walk past some of your favorite places to shop, drag him inside, point to something you like (an inexpensive book..tchocke…etc.) and ask him directly to buy it for you. It’s just a little token of love and he can understand immediately what it is he is being asked to do. If he recoils in horror or refuses to respond, I would really think twice about the relationship. You could also say: “ You know Frank, you haven’t ever given me a gift and we’ve been together for four years. Would you buy this for me? ” Taking a less aggressive approach, simply walk him up to the window of a store and say “I’d really like to have this, would you buy it for me for my birthday (or whatever holiday is coming up). If he balks at either request or ignores it, he is not stingy or clueless, he doesn’t care enough to please you. RUN!
My boyfriend gives me gifts that are giveaways from the casinos. He loves giving items for women from the casinos. He is so broke because he is on limited income therefore he never buys me anything except for lunch, breakfast or dinner. He did not give or receive gifts as a child like I did. No birthday parties etc.
I can’t help but respond that if your boyfriend gives you gifts that are give-aways from casinos, I’m guessing he’s a gambler. That may be why he has a limited income. Those who gamble often have a serious addiction just like drugs or drinking. I’m sure you already know this. So the fact that he doesn’t give you quality gifts is hardly the worst part of the issue. At least he buys you meals. Also, if he didn’t get or give gifts as a child and he didn’t have parties or celebrations, this is something that is ingrained in his character. You may want to look more closely at whether or not this is a connection you can continue. If you do, both of you are going to have to make adjustments to your thinking.
I feel for you. I been there in relationships . You do as you wish, but I can’t be in a relationship like this.
Limited income
with gambling habits ? He has mental issues above your head. Personally I think you are too intelligent for a relationship like this.
My boyfriend and I has been dating for 9 months and gave me flowers for the first 3 months of our relationship. After that he just stopped buying flowers. I have been appreciative for all those 3 flowers so I don’t understand why he just don’t buy any flowers of gifts for me. I have been giving him so many things and sometimes I feel like I’m just taking for granted. He never initiate date nights and doesn’t pay for our meals all the time. I have asked him why he never ask me out. He saidhe feel intimidated that he cannot afford
things that I want.
Men that are narcissists do not give gifts unless it directly benefits them.
Very true. Narcissist is something this person should research.
my boyfriend tells me I love you n that he won’t cheat n that I am the only one. But we barely spend time together maybe once a week or every other week n when we do is all about SEX n we do have sex n when we are done he gets dressed n only stays for a while n has a excuse of leaving. Never stays over , never takes me out or buys me something. how sad
So why are you staying with him? Is it the sex you like? If it isn’t dig deep and find some self-respect and don’t be sad about it
Obviously that’s NOT your boyfriend then. Your being used for sex. Get some self esteem and leave him alone
same situation. my bf has never bought me anything but he does pay for dinners or movies when we go out. I’ve also paid for our dinners sometimes too because I dont like the idea that guys have to pay all the time. Even though it feels kinda irritated not receiving anything for any special occasions, but I also looked back and realized that he did clean my bath room and made it look brand new, he did clean my cat room and little boxes, he did swipe my mirror and made it shiny like the first day, cleaned my bin when he went out… Does gifts now really matter?!
Tracy, gifts are a tangible expression of affection so yes, we do think they matter. It’s not the size of the gift, but the thought that counts. Cleaning the bathroom is a “gift” but it’s not the same thing. If you want a cleaning lady you can purchase those services, and while it’s great that your boyfriend helps out around the house, a small tangible token of his esteem wouldn’t hurt now and then. On the other hand, if you’re ok with it, don’t worry, be happy!
He may have just been cleaning basically to please himself and wants your place his level of “clean” when he is there. Just a thought.
Me and my partner have been togeather 12 and half months. He doesn’t take me out. we only go to his. We only go for a walk if his sister and her husband suggest us joining them. I haven’t received any kind of gift. But I buy for him. I have suggested going out. He always tells me he hates making plans as the weather can affect things. I told him once I’d get him a TV but it’s expencive so I backtracked. Wasn’t a priority thing as he had a small one he uses. He said he wanted a new xbox 1 controller and I said maybe for christmas. He then braught up how he was looking to be disappointed because of empty promises like the TV (not his exact words but a sum up); so I gave him the controller early. I braught up how he promises to take me places I really would like to go, or out for a fancy meal. (I’d be happy with two halves of buttered bread and a flask of coffee!) But got brushed off. He isn’t made of money I know but I don’t know what to do in order to encorage him to take me places. A trip to the local shop seems like my only lyxury! Any advice?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months and next month is our anniversary. At the beginning stages of the relationship we was very infatuated giving me several gifts etc but lately he stops giving gifts. Plus, whenever I wanted something I had to ask him(sex/gifts/hangouts) when in the past he would initiate but now it seems to be the opposite. He still treats me very well but I’m tired of initiating everything sometimes I feel like I’m the man in the relationship because he just agrees to what I want. I wish he would just initiate something as this makes me feel like I’m the only one who wants to do stuff together with him.
What should I do? I have told him SO MANY TIMES that I want him to take initiative and he does listen to me for awhile then it goes back to square 1.
I just feel that he’s not that into me as before
I clean up everything I never have a day off and my boyfriend decides not to get me anything for Christmas! Not even a damn card I’ve been washing and folding his clothes for years. Now I’m done he can either get it together and reflect while he’s washing his own clothes or just gtf out! We have been dating for 3 years and I’ve never received a gift on time!
If you are unhappy in the relationship and have communicated this, maybe it’s the wrong relationship. For heavens sake stop washing and folding his clothes —send him a BILL!!!
Honey, get some self-respect. You aren’t his maid or his mother. You deserve to be appreciated. YOU should leave, and leave him in a mess. You can’t sit around wishing he would change. Guys don’t change when they are being enabled to be the self-centered butthead that they are by people waiting on them all the time. However, you can change for the better by helping yourself to a better life.
How i wish i could leave that easy.many times i felt taken for granted by my husband
Does it really mean he doesn’t like you if he doesn’t buy gifts or is it he feels he is not madly in luv to buy you presents and if he did he might think you will take it as he’s madly in luv. Maybe he’s afraid to luv again as my boyfriend had 2 divorces and never wants to marry again.
That is an easy excuse for him, isn’t it. He’s getting all the benefits without any of the commitment or expense. Doesn’t sound like a very equitable arrangement for YOU.
I never buy gifts . When I travel people I hardly know ask for the strangest things, even though the article you buy anywhere in the world will be the same one you find in the mall at home. Yet they expect I shop for them on a vacation and lug it all back . No way. I find both getting and giving gifts to be repulsive. I have everything I want and presume the people I know can go on line and buy whatever they want. “gifts’ encourage the feeling that things are owed and often come with a price tag for favors in return
Robert, we were shocked at your answer. Gift are repulsive?! However, when we re-read your comment what we realized is that you feel “put upon” by people who make requests of you when you travel. That is not what we meant in our article. if you are in a relationship with someone it’s not about going away and bringing back leather from Italy or wine from France. That is a souvenir. Gifts for a lover, a girlfriend, a wife, a friend, are those you give because you WANT TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. Don’t you ever just want to please someone? If the answer is “no, never” you may be a lonely person, indeed.
My boyfriend of 3+ years has bought me gifts for my birthday and Christmas; a bottle of perfume or a gym membership. However, he was previously married and would buy his wife expensive jewelry and designer handbags, facials and massages (twice a month!) and send her on shopping sprees and even bought her a new Range Rover. Now, I don’t expect all of that, because she and I are two different people. But a surprise gift certificate for a facial or a massage or pay for a haircut or manicure. After all, I do raise his two children and cook and clean for him and work full time as well! He has never done anything substantial for me. I feel very unappreciated and taken for granted. It’s a very lonely feeling. I hope I don’t come off as materialistic. I’m just simply confused as why he would do all of those things for her but makes me work for everything.
I get the same feeling, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we are expecting. He pays for everything and treats me well but never gives me a gift. 🙁 The worst thing is, he promises me presents but I never see them. I wouldn’t care but I feel constantly let down especially with a baby on the way. I can’t bear for this to happy to my son or daughter, am I being over dramatic?
It is the promised gifts issue that worries us. If you say you’ll do something, you should follow through and do it. I hope that with a baby on the way, he doesn’t make promises about the child, and then let you and the child down. It’s time to have a talk with him about this. Be open and honest, amd let him know that it isn’t the gift that is the main disappointment, it’s his lack of follow through. We call it “not telling the truth.”
Reading through these responses, it seems men are taking advantage of women’s innate nurturing instinct and becoming freeloaders, and acting more like women of previous years that had to be wooed before they’d put out. Are women of today now being forced to purchase companionship from men? From these responses, it sure sounds like there are an awful lot of selfish men out there…freeloaders!
Kelly, I thought the same. It seems and I have witnessed a whole lot of women being the “man” on the relationship; and all these narcissistic men freeloading and taking for granted good & caring woman. It’s disgusting.
this Q&A feature continues to capture attention and comments from our readers. We feel that gift giving is an important part of a healthy relationship. However, we also know that some people come from backgrounds where gifts are forbidden and holidays are not celebrated. It is up to each individual to compromise in a relationship if they want it to be strong and without resentment. If the person you care about is doing (or NOT doing) something that you feel is essential to your well being and happiness, SPEAK UP! if this person refuses to work with you to make the relationship work, perhaps it’s not the right relatioship for you long term. No one can take advantage of you, unless you let them!
My ex husband said me and my children are not USE TO NOTHING because we don’t bother to ask him to purchase gifts EVERY MONTH, especially EXPENSIVE gifts.
He only buys for mothers day, Christmas, sometimes valentine and birthdays. He MOCKS and laughs saying WEEKLY HE MUST buy ALL KINDS OF GIFTS for his many wives and girlfriends.
He is not ONLY CHEAP but JUST ISN’T INTO US and many of his many women. We are wise though, we treat ourselves and gets from WOMB TO TOMB.
He got caught in his own trap, DON’T HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW. Why did he do the mess they ALL set up? He is done now and Julie friend.
Ask for gifts every now and again women. Some men gives who are abusive to pacify the woman. The world soon ends enjoy the lull!
I have a burning question. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months now. He has never bought me even a chocolate, let alone taken me out on a date. I am really worried as I feel that he does not see the need to invest even a little into spending time with me. Do I ask him about this, or do I just leave him alone? He stays far from me and only sees me once a month but even then we stay in the car.
If you want to ask a question, the best way isn’t in comments, it is through our contact form. However, I’ll weigh in (Alison) very quickly; You only stay in the car and he sees you only once a month? He is either married or engaged. No gifts? This is the time to ask questions. I think you are probably in a difficult situation if you are in love with him. If you aren’t and he doesn’t take you out in public, what is in this for you? I hope others see this an weigh in as well, but honestly, this is not a relationship, it is a booty call.
Thank you so much for your response to this question. I am so glad to find it today. I had this same problem, bf (4yrs) didn’t get me anything for christmas, my birthday (shortly after xmas) or Valentine’s , (I still got him chocolates) yet made sure to take me to store and show me the 60 and 80 dollar video games I “should” get him for Christmas. I bought both, but just gave him one at xmas, saving other for his birthday which is after my bday and Valentine’s. Since he got me nothing even after i dropped 60 on gift he wanted i decided not to give him the other game, or anything for his birthday. Well, that day he blew up because I didnt fix him breakfast before i went to work. Anyway, so very happy to hear what I knew in my heart already, what is right for me. Not wasting any more of my life on guys like this. There were so many other serious problems and so many red flags i ignored. Still, i was somehow still on the fence as to whether to stay with him. Until I read this post today which solidifies everything in my mind. I cannot express my gratitude enough, eapecially tony, since it was your post that really made me see the light. Also, in another post you mentioned a mature person shouldn’t waste more than 2 years on a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I wasted much more than that. Wish I’d have found you years ago! So happy to have my life back.
we are glad to help!
One of the best presents for a girl, I think, would be a nice holiday/vacation. It doesn`t need to be an expensive one or anything like that, but just thoughtful.
My boyfriend of 3 years would buy gifts for his coworkers. I would go with him to “help” him but everytime when I suggested something he would shot it down by saying, “no she wouldn’t like that. That’s not what she likes “…I see him carefully choose a gift and take his precious time to find them gifts..
I feel like with me, he doesnt care. For example on our anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas he would wait for the day before the holiday to ask me what do I want?……usually I just say simple things like cake or flowers because its easier for him to get….I’m a super market flower pro at this point…