why is anal sex suddenly so popular and must I do it, too?
Dear Leather and Lace: Why is anal sex suddenly so pouplar? Is everyone really doing it and did I miss the memo? Everywhere I look, it seems like people are having anal sex like it’s no big deal. Now, that horn dog of a husband of mine thinks it will spice up our marriage if we try it. It really hurt my feelings that he would even think of demeaning me in that way. Seriously, it grosses me out just to think about it. I want to please him, but I think he’s off base with this. Your thoughts?
Tony’s View: Anal sex is not suddenly so popular, it just seems that way because the media has made it that way. It is as much a psychology issue as it is a sex act. It is the statement “I am willing to endure discomfort or pain in order to give you pleasure”. Understand that having anal sex even once is a trap, for having done it for a previous lover you look like you love your current lover less if you are not willing to do it with them.
Now again porn movies give you a rather lopsided view of the world, anal sex happens so often in porn movies because it is infrequent in real life thus heightening the fantasy aspects of the film. Also an actress in such a movie earns 20% to 25% more if they are willing to do anal as well as straight sex making for a huge economic incentive. You need to understand that movies are staged. Although you do not see it on camera each actress has given herself an enema and then thoroughly washed the area with a disinfectant soap. She has then lubricated herself internally. Doing anal unprepared is messy and hurts.
There are various reasons women do like to do anal (e.g. you can not get pregnant – however it is much easier to get an STD such as AIDS this way so use a condom). It is an alternative way of having sex if you are uncomfortable having sex during your period. And with women who have had multiple natural births and worry they are not giving their guy a good experience anymore, it allows them to have confidence. But for the most part, the reasons are psychological; it makes the male more dominant and the female more submissive. Some women use this class of submissiveness to attract a certain type of guy or because they believe that by filling this fantasy for a guy, he will then not leave her for someone who will. You are your own woman and need to make your own decisions about it.
If you decide to do anal take the time to do it right. The key is to relax the anus because if you tense up, that is what hurts. Most penises are not that much larger than the opening normally grows to so it is a case of getting your body used to the penetration. Lubrication is the key. Lubricate a finger and massage the opening until you can get a finger in. Keep massaging and lubricating till you relax enough to get two fingers in, at that point if you go slow you can probably have sex. If you can’t bring yourself to do this have HIM do it, but tell him exactly when to stop and continue (you really want to do a disposable enema and wash thoroughly before trying any of this). Many women prefer toys for doing this, there are very slim, ridged dildos designed to initially stretch the muscles and then anal “plugs” of graduated size which are designed to keep the anus open so you can train the muscles to relax. When doing anal it is often easier (and MUCH safer) if the guy wears a lubricated condom (you still should use a personal lubricant also). DO NOT use SPERMECIDALLY lubricated condoms. If he seems to hit a wall and it starts to hurt inside, STOP. The rectum is not very long and curves at the end, if he tears the wall it can kill you due to infection. BE CAREFUL. If you bleed GET MEDICAL HELP.
If you want to see how it feels first, try using a vibrator, small anal dildo or anal beads (you push them in slowly and them pull them out all at once while stimulating the clitoris and or the vagina, again lubrication is important).
DO NOT EVER allow ANYTHING that has been in you anus to be put in your mouth or vagina without being cleaned and disinfected, it will either make you incredibly ill or possibly leave you sterile. Again you may have seen this in movies but if the woman was a professional actress they would have cut the movie such that they took a break and cleaned up before changing to the vagina or mouth. Sadly some porn is the humiliation and debasement of women, yes they go ass to mouth or ass to vagina there but they could care less what happens to the woman (most of whom are sadly confused young amateurs or drug users).
Alison’s View: Anal sex is not for everyone, but I believe that any sexual activity between two consenting adults is fine, but the important word is “consenting.” If someone tries to coerce or persuade you to do a sexual activity that you’re not comfortable with, whatever their reasoning, it’s manipulation. If that person is someone you really care for, like a husband or boyfriend, this is even worse, because they are violating your love and trust, and preying on your insecurities to make you do something you should never have to do. That’s definitely the case with anal sex, too.
I have seen movies where the porn actress appears to be having a grand old time enjoying something from mildly kinky to “OMG I can’t believe I’m seeing this!” But as Tony has said it it staged. Real people in real situations won’t be re-creating these scenes just the same way (with the kids playing video games down the hall). Alas, that is one of the main problems I have with pornography. What you see is what you believe, but what you see isn’t really what is real. But uninformed people go home and stupidly think that their sexual partners are going to look, and react like the porn stars, and when that doesn’t happen, they end up frustrated, angry and disappointed with their partners. The average woman isn’t going to look like porn star Sasha Grey(just as an example) and she isn’t going to behave like her, either. She won’t have the experience to handle what a porn star can manage on a daily basis, The average woman’s partner also won’t have the skills or experience to handle their partner properly when dealing with certain sexual activities (e.g. anal sex). So the reality is that the scene a man sees in a porn movie and envisions in his head, and goes home to his partner to re-enact, is going to be much more awkward than he anticipates. To be fair, there are probably plenty of nice people who enjoy anal sex and who do it properly and joyfully. If that wasn’t so, there wouldn’t be so much paraphernalia available focusing on that part of the body. But on the other hand, not everyone can or will want to have anal sex ever. Any sexual act between partners should be consenting, loving and pleasurable. If something ins’t, it has to be negotiated or the person coerced into it will harbor negative feelings. And surely there are plenty of other ways to spice up your sex life?
So if your “horn dog” of a husband is set on anal sex, I suggest you remind him that you’re not a porn actress, but that you will be happy to watch Sasha do her stuff with a giant penis penetrating her anus, as long as it’s not in yours. And, if he really wants it so much, there are plenty of ways you can do it to him. See if he wants to take you up on that offer.