what is the difference between sexy and erotic?

Question:  Dear Leather and Lace Spice (Alison and Tony):  I’m really upset. My husband confessed that he thinks my next door neighbor is really sexy. He said he thinks I’m erotic though.  I’m not sure I know the difference.  Is there?

 

Tony’s Take:   That’s a very good question.   Sexy and erotic are two different things. For example, a Sports Illustrated swimsuit or Victoria’s Secret model is sexy, Angelina Jolie is erotic. Sexy is the concept of beautiful as applied to sexuality.  A sexy woman is desired for her looks not for who she is or the experience of “being with her,”  (which is why terms such as “ice maiden” exists), is sexy, but is definitely not erotic. Erotic is an approachable sexuality.

Your husband’s appreciation of your neighbor is the same as appreciation of a beautiful painting. It is  very stimulating but impersonal, because both are viewed from afar. Your husband pays you a sincere compliment by saying you are “erotic,” that  your presence stimulates and excites him. The movement of your mouth, the glances your eyes give him, your hand touching your hair– all go to bond him to you in a web of suggestive delight. Understand that this eroticism is the basis of passion,  not simply the visual object of someone being “sexy.” For it is that anticipated passion inherent in the eroticism,  which drives the passion forward.

Of the women in my life, probably the most note-able was a mousy little girl who was so plain and so unremarkable you would barely notice her. But when she turned her eyes on you,  when she touched you, when she lightly kissed you on the cheek or on the neck, her focus and intensity was so highly erotic and passionate that despite her being literally one of the less sexy women I’ve ever been with, she was one of the greatest and most erotic and passionate lovers.

So then, what really is erotic?

Erotic is your turning your full attention on a person. It is making them feel special –making them feel wanted — making them feel desired. It is as simple as looking into their eyes and talking softly to them. It is as simple as wearing a seductive perfume and running your hand along someone’s jaw so that they have the smell of you and the touch of you. It is as simple as lightly touching someone’s hair or squeezing their hand. It is attention. It is focus. That’s what the other person sees in you. They see your desire. The desire for them. That is erotic.

By the way, it isn’t just women who can be erotic. Men can be erotic as well.

Alison’s Take:  I’m not a sexy woman in the way that a Victoria’s Secret model is sexy. Not even close. Most women aren’t.  But like many women, I have sometimes longed to be that way. I know it’s never going to happen, and I take some solace in knowing that most women don’t have the physical attributes that would qualify them to wear the iconic “angel wings” and strut in stilettos down the catwalk in skimpy lingerie,  either.   Disappointed as I am that I can’t  make every man’s head swivel as the sexiest woman in their sights,  what I have learned is that being an erotic person is really more powerful (and I think, important), than merely being sexy. Luckily for me,  the men I have loved most deeply, have considered me to be very erotic.

While a sexy woman gets plenty of looks from admirers, she is being “shared” with everyone, and those admirer’s aren’t ever going to interact intimately with her. She is merely an object of beauty to admire.  On the other hand, the men that consider me erotic know me intimately, and they are people that I truly care for and truly care for me.   They find me desirable in ways that even Angelina Jolie can’t compete with (take that, Angie!).  While it never hurts to feel good about my body, know that I’m having a good hair day, wear something pretty, and swagger a bit more in stilettos,  being erotic is something that comes naturally and without having to work at it. I never realized that my passion  is a gift, but in fact, it is.

I have finally come to understand and appreciate the difference between a woman who is merely “sexy” and one who is truly erotic. Although I still occasionally wish I could be that head-swiveling vixen,  if I had to choose between being a woman who was sexy, or erotic, would choose the latter.  That intimate connection with someone with whom you have  a genuine, personal, connection is much more important than just being outwardly impressive to people who don’t know or care about you.  Of course, someone that knows and cares about you can consider you sexy, too, but when desire fuels you and that fuels the one you love, it’s a lot more precious than mere admiration.

 

 

 

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