My girlfriend doesn't trust me #cheating

talk to the hand you big fat liar

My girlfriend and met about two years ago and I really love her. I know she loves me as well. But her past relationships have all been bad, and she has been scarred by men who lied to her, cheated on her, and manipulated to think it was her fault. I met her a couple days after she had ended a really bad relationship that she couldn’t find the strength to leave so she sort of broke it off six or seven times before I finally helped her leave him and then we finally fell in love. But since she is so scarred, she just doesn’t trust me, no matter what I do to show her I am not those other guys. I have done everything I can: given her my passwords, thrown away my address book with other women’s numbers in it, let her look through my computer any time she wants, check all my social media, my pockets, every drawer and closet in my apartment–she checks my phone every day and it still isn’t enough even though I have nothing to hide. To be fair, she didn’t ask me to do this, but her security and happiness is my priority and still, almost every day she thinks I’m doing something and lying to her about it. I am really losing my patience because it is so irrational and it hurts to be accused so often of lying when I am in fact innocent. Maybe I am not right for her and she would be happier without me. Do you think so? After all, her happiness is my happiness.I don’t know what to do!

Brian

Tony’s Take: After a year it should be apparent that your girlfriend will never trust trust you and she will always doubt you. She will always question everything. Don’t worry about whether or not she would be happier without you or with someone else, because she will not be happy with anyone in her current state. She is so scarred that she congenitally cannot trust and therefore she will always make you miserable over the long term . Yes, it is wonderful when you are with her because she trusts you as long as she can see you but unless you are a trust fund baby and you are with her 24.7 she will always hate and distrust the time that you are away from her and think you are doing something behind her back.

You are probably a decent guy and you deserve a nice live. If you want a good woman, this lady isn’t her. If, on the other hand, you enjoy emotional rollercosters, drama, and your idea of intimacy and attention is a heated argument, then this woman will supply them in large quantities, She’s your perfect match!

Alison’s Take: I SO wanted to offer words of hope to you, especially after Tony’s short but brutal response, but really, based on your original letter (which we have edited for privacy), I can’t. There are so people who have so many issues and are so scarred by them that they just can’t get over the hurt. Your girlfriend appears to be one of these severely damaged people. Without a lot of therapy and a lot of time, it is unlikely that she will ever trust you and you will always be on pins and needles, wondering what you did to upset her, what you did “wrong” (when you didn’t do anything) and why you can’t make her happy. If you want to live with someone who is paranoid and who can’t help but continually push you away, you’ve found her. You may understand her problem, but you can’t solve it. You have not failed, you simply can’t fix this on your own.

I doubt that this woman would be happier without you, but she won’t be happy with you, either. If she didn’t have the strength to leave the last relationship and waited until she found someone else, you are in big trouble unless you find the strength to break it off with her and really mean it. Because, Brian, if your happiness is tied up with hers, you will never be happy, either. You need to stop trying to rescue her and learn to live for yourself. But, since you have said that her happiness is most important to you, I think there is only one thing I can suggest: cut her loose and suggest that she finally deal with her issues. Then maybe she actually can find some peace in her life. If she does and many years down the road you are still available, maybe then, love with prevail.

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