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Does my Boyfriend have Real Relationship Issues, Or Is He just a Selfish Jerk?

March 7, 2017 By: aandtcomment

thin and fat hands relationship issues

is there something wrong with me???

I love your advice and your site!   I have emotional issues from abusive I suffered at home as a child. But my boyfriend Johnny has what he calls social anxiety. I am demonstrative and physical and he’s the opposite. I like to go out and he doesn’t like to spend money on events (he’s happy to let me pay if I want to go out badly enough). I am organized and pay my bills, he never pays his and thinks money and bills will take care of themselves.  I like to give him presents, but for the holidays he gave me a box of trash bags and some plastic cups so I wouldn’t have to clean up  (if I wanted to have a party for myself, he said).  He didn’t get me anything for Valentines Day except an IOU which I know he’ll never pay up. Although I’ve been divorced twice My daughter lives with us and I’d like to get married again, but that’s not on his agenda. He didn’t tell me that when we started dating so I feel he was dishonest about this. We fight about the same things over and over again with no resolution. We never fix anything in our relationship or our lives. One of the things that really bugs me is his attitude that his own daughter comes first and his mom comes second and he doesn’t treat me like there’s any room in his life left for me. I am overweight and I know he is ashamed of me and doesn’t like to be seen with me in public. This humiliates me. I want to be a couple, not just two people who just basically co-habitate but every time I bring up something important we end up fighting and he blames me for everything. I know I am not perfect and easy to deal but if we can’t resolve any issues we can’t move forward either. Can the two of you suggest a way to help me deal with Johnny without having to totally compromise myself and my needs for a relationship? Or is Johnny just a selfish jerk. I know we’re not on the same page and I would like to either get there or find a new book.Thanks!
Barbie

 

Tony Sabatini relationship expertTony’s Take:  Barbie, the key to analyzing this relationship is the fact that your boyfriend treats his daughter and more importantly his mother better than he treats you.

This directly implies that you are nothing more than a “utility.”

You’re someone to help with the cost of the house to do chores, to pay money to take him out, while not giving back anything of his own to you.

One lives for the sake of their children, and you are setting a bad example for your daughter.

This puts her in a bad situation because this man in her life is not a father figure and not any type of emotional or physical support for you, her mother

Additionally, what you’re putting yourself through is yet another form of abuse which directly reflects as anxiety and weight increase.

You are making excuses for yourself saying you are hard to live with because you “lose it” but this is a harsh judgment of yourself .

It keeps you from looking for and finding other more positive relationships.

The biggest indicator that there is trouble in the relationship is the simple lack of affection –of holding and being held, of kissing, and tenderness toward the other person.

You are simply playing house, you don’t have a romantic, intimate relationship.

Another bad indication about the relationship is that he’s being coy about his income and how he spends it.

It’s all bad news.


Alison Blkackman relationship expertAlison’s Take
:  

Barbie, Tony has been blunt. He’s been harsh.

But I can’t disagree with anything he’s said.

No matter what you think your issues are, or what they really are, no one deserves to be treated with disrespect or disinterest.

Women who feel that they are “unworthy” of love, often accept an abusive partner.

They’ll make excuses because they are afraid if they leave they won’t find anyone else who will accept them.

However, what you wrote had me literally scratching my head in disbelief.

For the record, no one gives plastic cups and trash bags to his girlfriend for a gift.  That is beyond obnoxious.

Right now you might be satisfied putting up with this jerk although he’s taking full advantage of you, helping out with the house.

When he finds a “home” he likes better, you are going to be out of both a relationship and a “roommate.”

I urge you to carefully re-read your own letter (which we have heavily edited for privacy’s sake).

Your letter was a novel about this man and that book doesn’t have a happy ending, I’m afraid.

Start writing a new chapter in a new book.

DO IT NOW!

 

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