If He Doesn’t Get a Job, Should I Leave Him?

don’t bother me I’m playing computer games

Hi Leather and Lace Advice:  Almost immediately after we moved in together just over a year ago, my boyfriend’s company closed. He’s been unemployed ever since. It wasn’t his fault, but now he just collects his unemployment check and plays Xbox. Brian is 34 and I’m 24. Brian is always on the couch where he often falls asleep and doesn’t even come to bed. He constantly on the xbox from time he gets up to the time falls asleep the couch. We don’t really have sex that often and when we do it’s quick and just his pleasure. This has been depressing me. I’m bored and depressed. Brian says he loves me but I’m not sure what to think anymore.

Sad, lonely Nanette

Tony’s Take:

One problem with the way unemployment insurance is set up is that it allows a person to take an “extended vacation” until the money runs out.

Looking for a job is like dating, it involves an awful lot of rejection.

For a person who has just suffered a major rejection by losing their job, all that rejection from lack of interview opportunities or rejections from job interviews just makes it that much worse.

Your boyfriend plays Xbox all of the time so that he doesn’t have to think about having to get a job, the process of which is depressing to him.

Xbox allows him to feel artificially active where in actuality he is doing nothing at all.

His treatment of you is part of the same — he can’t allow himself to relax and enjoy you or relax and enjoy sex because he feels he should be doing something even if it’s only playing Xbox.

In two words, he is massively depressed.

Reality will intervene when the unemployment payments stop.

Brian will have to extend himself and go looking for work.

Unfortunately, he has put himself at a disadvantage because other people who were laid off were out there actively looking while he was doing nothing but playing Xbox.

Since he is relatively young and unencumbered he may have to look at jobs in other cities and other states where there may be more opportunities.

You must decide whether you love Brian enough to try and make a life with him because when he finally does embark upon an active job search, your life with him will be secondary.

Brian must be encouraged and held and helped until he can re-establish his own identity which was clearly tied to his job.

Good luck!

Alison’s Take:

Unemployment can really take its toll on someone. It’s understandable.

Unemployment can really take its toll on someone. It’s understandable.

But doing nothing while knowing that he must do something, has put your boyfriend in a bad position.

Brian’s life has no structure.

He has no reason to get up in the morning—no place to go, nothing to do.

Even if he was a self-starter, one can only job hunt so many hours a day.

Brian needs a reason to get up, take a shower, get dressed, and do something productive that makes a positive impact.

I suggest you encourage Brian to do something else. Get him to volunteer, maybe at a homeless shelter where he will see people a lot worse off than he is.

Or get him to help at the local animal shelter where the puppies and kittens will be all over him with unconditional attention and love (you can’t be depressed when puppies are licking you).

The object is to get Brian out of the house.

Give him a reason to leave the Xbox for a place where he feels needed, where he gets dressed and socializes with others.

Meanwhile, you also need support.

Don’t stay home because you too will die of boredom and depression.

Go out for “girls night” or see family and friends in other activities. Or volunteer with your boyfriend (but leave him one activity that is his alone).

The second phase is to encourage him to start looking for work.

If he doesn’t start job hunting or makes excuses for why the jobs he’s offered aren’t good enough or complains that there aren’t any jobs (but he hasn’t looked) think twice about your relationship