Dear Leather and Lace: I am confused about the whole concept of BDSM especially with respect to Fifty Shades of Gray, can you clarify it for me?
Tony’s View: A lot of people are not sure that what they are reading in erotic novels like Fifty Shades of Gray are realistic, and then are confused about BDSM.
First off BDSM is a contraction of not two activities (BD SM) but three (BD DS SM), where the connector (DS – Dominance and Submission) can stand alone or in association with either of the two or both(BD – Bondage and Discipline, SM – Sadism and Masochism). In this site we do not delve into S&M because in our world pain, anger, revenge, humiliation, debasement and abuse are not something we do with someone we love and care for.
Everything starts with D&S, the relinquishing of power by the submissive to the dominant. D&S is a trust relationship, the submissive trusts the dominant to do what is best for the submissive, they trust the dominants decisions and obey the directions of the dominant. They let the dominant set the pace and decide on activities. Like any relationship D&S can exist on many levels, a casual role play between occasional lovers, as dedicated partners within the lifestyle but maintaining separate lives apart from that, as a committed couple who live together. Different couples handle the role play differently, some are “in scene” only when they both agree to be at a certain time or place, some are “in scene” whenever they are in the bedroom, others are always “in scene”, it is up to each couple to work it out. The intensity of the dominance is also something to be decided upon, some dominants want to look out for all facets of the submissive’s life and thus have total control over what the submissive wears, what they eat, what makeup they use, how much they exercise. A submissive surrenders control so that she can always be “in the moment”, but understand that the submissive has the ultimate control, if they do not want to play then nothing is going to happen.
B&D can range from light to heavy, but sadly heavy B&D crosses over into S&M. Light bondage consists of restraining your partner so that you have free access to their body and they can do anything to prevent it. This psychologically is very important, in that there are a large number of women out there who have been taught sex is bad and shameful (especially true of women from England) and thus they feel that they can not enjoy it on their own. However, when they are restrained, they have no choice, and thus are free to enjoy themselves. Bondage is also useful in controlling the pace and frequency of arousal. Heavy bondage involves tight ropes pressing on delicate tissues such as the mons or the breasts, and each movement by the submissive causes irritation or pain. If this is done incorrectly, it can cut off circulation to limbs or breasts and damage them permanently, so we would discourage it.
Light discipline is fun. Spanking is very intimate, and sometimes the submissive can be willful and must be corrected. There are many floggers designed to stimulate, but not generate pain (e.g. those made of silk braid ). In general, the bum is fair game, but don’t ever slap hit or punch a woman’s breast hard. You can do real damage (although a light slap or a light hit from a flogger is ok). To the surprise of many, slapping the mons is ok, as it can be quite stimulating when using a light flogger there (but hitting it or punching it is not) . Heavy discipline like whips and canes again stray into the world of S&M and unless that is what you and your partner are both into, they should be avoided.
Fifty Shades of Gray goes on and on about contracts and I am sure some might have existed before the book (the book had to have it explicitly in case someone tried it and got hurt so they could not sue the author or the publisher). The important takeaway from the book is that if you are going to play, you must discuss various activities and your hard and soft limits as well as your safe words (green, yellow, red being fairly standard, green as in I love it do it some more).
Alison’s View: I’ve read a lot of “Mommy Porn’ in the last six months or so, including the entire Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy. Not surprisingly, a lot of it centers around the BDSM theme, because Fifty Shades of Gray is such a blockbuster hit. There’s a lot to like –and dislike — about these books and probably, the upcoming 50 Shades movies. But I can now see what the attraction has been for so many women. Who wouldn’t want a gorgeous and powerful billionaire to be besotted with you– an otherwise average woman. Who wouldn’t want to become the center of his universe? True, he might tie you up and demand a few kinky things from you, but in return your life becomes more important than anything else he does. wants or possesses. He will make demands, but he will also protect you, and put you above all others.
The idea that someone finds you that fascinating and that important and wants to offer you his world, take care of you, and give you everything your heart desires, including his heart, is a heady fantasy for many women. But I think these books elevate expectations of what BDSM is, to an unrealistic level because these books are fantasy. As I understand it, real D/s relationships have elements of what is portrayed in 50 Shades, but what concerns me is that women read about these powerful, gorgeous, amazing, romantic Doms, and then assume that they can find a man like that, or that simply by “being submissive” they can transform their own boyfriend or husband into that type of fantasy man. This is bound to lead to serious disappointment and resentment. After all, if your real life man isn’t a natural Dom and doesn’t have an interest or a clue how to be one, he is not going to fulfill your dreams and needs that way. True Dominants and Submissive have at some point discovered an innate desire to be that way. The Dom knows he is someone who wants to be in control, the submissive, someone who wants to surrender control (*gender roles can be reversed as well). Maybe you don’t really know you are a Dom or a Sub until you think about it and try it, or at some point you just know and that need becomes intense and you want to satisfy it, But for most people this is going to be a desire to “play act” a role to spice up their sex lives now and then “for fun.” There is nothing wrong with this, but you can’t expect the intensity of connection that men and women in genuine D/s relationships have. I believe that for those who truly find a match in a good and positive D/s relationship, it could be wonderful. But like any relationship, the two people in the relationship have to be the right two people in all the ways that make relationships good, and not just any two willing people with a D/s itch to scratch.
What worries me about Fifty Shades of Gray and all the excitement around it is, that someone who isn’t a sane and responsible person might also use all this hype around BDSM to take advantage of women. He will say he is a Dom, and then abuse women, doing harm both physically and emotionally (intentionally or unintentionally) . Furthermore, since, as Tony suggested, D/s is part of BDSM, a lot the of S&M scenes portrayed in the erotic books are truly degrading to women and depict sexual activities that are beyond the scope of what most people would consider even mildly attractive. For example, if a submissive is required as part of her training to participate in public sexual acts that are painful and humiliating, and perhaps to do so in front of an audience when she reluctant but requested or urged by her Dom, she has a right to refuse–but does she really? If she refuses, she will be punished or worse, rejected. Women have been facing these types of choices, struggling to please men and doing things that they would otherwise never dream of doing, since time began. While in theory the Sub has the right to refuse, in order to please her partner she really can’t, and therefore has an impossible choice. Still, a couple in sync and respectful of one another’s needs (not always what is portrayed in the erotica books) but doing only what is acceptable and pleasing to both of them, will have a very strong relationship.
Fifty Shades of Gray and other books and media like it most often portray women who enter D/s relationships as inferior to the Doms and that they are often women with less success and intelligence –women who need to be “taken care of.” This truly annoys me. Very smart and successful women are also submissives , they are women who have chosen that lifestyle for many reasons. If a woman feels that this is a role she wants, and she submits to someone she loves and trusts willingly, she is empowering herself to make this decision. I don’t see this as weak or even anti-feminist. In fact, it is the submissive that has the power for if she doesn’t agree to play, then nothing can happen. When the relationship is loving and supportive, it is in many ways, liberating to say that someone else can handle some or all aspects of her life as long as that is her choice. It isn’t so strange that a strong and intelligent woman would give some or all control over to someone she loves and trusts completely so that she is free to focus on other things, but I would caution women who think this is going to be easy that these relationships are more than just sex, although that is what the erotica books focus on, of course. Every real relationships takes work to make it work. Couples of all types need to be motivated to stay together, to work through issues when things are not going well and to develop shared interests and keep life from being boring. Those who succeed work hard at maintaining love and respect, and they get to keep it.
Finally, I think there is one more category of D/s relationship that Tony didn’t mention, perhaps because it is not really considered as a valid one, but it has become more popular due to Fifty Shades of Gray and the proliferation of erotica. The internet has spawned an entirely new set of virtual D/s relationships where the parties might never meet, or might meet very infrequently, or might even be married to or involved with other people. They might use Skype and video conferencing, and those in “the lifestyle” may say that these are not real relationships, but to the people involved, they very much are. After all, the main point is that one person (the submissive) truly wants to relinquish some or all control to someone else, who wants to accept that role. Even if the requirements of this are done virtually and even if the people involved never meet or do so only occasionally, the commitment they make, the bond they create and the trust they have in one another, may satisfy their needs.
**Tony: In the main,I agree with Alison’s points, but she fails to mention one very important item. That the key to a D/s relationship is that the Dominant cares for the submissive. He cares about what she is feeling. He cares about her orgasm, and he cares about her well being. The Dominant’s role is to play the submissive like an instrument. To bring her to new heights and new discoveries, both in the bedroom and in life.
I grant you that perhaps 30% of the dominants in the world are better looking than most men, and 30% are about average, but the remainder although nothing to write home about as far as physical beauty, are some of the most caring and talented Doms there are because they have to be good — because that is all they are offering.
And I also disagree on another point. A submissive has responsibilities too, and one of those responsibilities is to tell the dominant when she is approaching a limit. A true D/s relationship is not coercive because that would violate trust. We grant you that there are members of the community more interested in the physical or psychologically sadistic actions who will coerce, but they are outliers and not accepted as trustworthy within the community.
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