Our Sex Life Was So HOT. Now, It’s So NOT: She Won’t Even Kiss Me!
My wife and I have been together more than 25 years. Our sex life was so hot for the first decade of our relationship and we had sex almost every night of the week (I’m not exaggerating). Now, I haven’t had sex with anyone else but for the past 10 years, my wife won’t touch me or even passionately kiss me. I can’t get her to tell me what’s turning her off. All she does is get angry or stay silent. I have tried everything from toys to candles, but she won’t budge. I can’t continue like this. Can you help?
A woman will change her attitude toward a man for one of a couple of categories of reasons. The first category is physical.
The first category is physical.
Women are much more in tune with the hormonal balance in their body and when it is thrown off (e.g. certain times of the month or post-menopausal) they may have diminished to no interest in sex, even though they still love their partner.
Another issue here is has sex been pleasing to the woman?
Most men do not learn to please a woman and make sure that she is fulfilled before finding their own pleasure.
Likewise some men can be insensitive to what his partner does and does not like and repeatedly force forms of sex which make her uncomfortable or feel demeaned.
However, it is more probable that the issue here is one of the second categories of loss of desire — that is, your wife feels that you have a failed her in some major manner.
This may be the cause of your shit from “hot sex” to just friendly interest that has shifted your relationship from a romantic one to one of just warm familiarity
It could be that you present yourself as dominant and mature but within the relationship you don’t act that way, being indecisive and childish thus forcing the woman from a romantic mode into the role of mother. which kills all of her desire.
But also ask yourself if there might be some emotional reasons (e.g. substance abuse, insensitivity, inconsideration, and other forms of abuse).
If these are present, your wife might feel trapped in a long term relationship but can’t bring herself to be intimate with you.
What struck me most strongly was that you have been together a very long time and you are still together.
But a decade of a no-sex marriage is a long time to be celibate, especially since it seems neither person is getting the physical (and therefore emotional) benefits most couples enjoy.
Tony has branched into the psychological, but I am sure that somewhere, there is resentment your wife feels that is so strong she can’t even bring herself to kiss you.
If your wife had written to us, I’d ask her. Why are you still in this relationship? What does this man give you that you still need?
If she is just going through the motions, or afraid to branch out on her own, or needs the financial support, no amount of cajoling, candles and adult novelties will bring back the sex and physical intimacy of an endless “hot” sex life.
But there could be another reason. Sex every night is not for the weak–that’s a lot of commitment. For a busy woman, that’s just exhausting!
You sound a bit insensitive about this, and maybe that’s where the anger and rejection lies with your wife.
Maybe you loved it but your wife really didn’t. You say it was hot — but maybe not — maybe she dreaded this nearly nightly obligation.
She cared enough to satisfy you until it become too much for her, and so she rejected you completely instead of telling you what she really wanted and needed.
Why don’t you ask her: “Do you think our sex life was a good one? And listen carefully to what she says.
I hope communication, maybe couples counseling can help you.
I’m not one to normally suggest this, but if you can’t get your wife to open up to you but you still want to stay together, maybe you could negotiate an open relationship where you cab find the intimacy you need?
But most couples connect in order to fulfill those hopes desires and needs mutually,
If you can’t do that as an intimate couple or through communication get back to an intimate relationship then it is better to consider whether the benefits of being in such a relationship are worth the deficits.