Dear Leather and Lace (Alison & Tony): My boyfriend and I have been watching a lot of internet porn, and one of the things I’ve been seeing a lot of disturbs me. Why are the men always coming on the girl’s faces? It looks gross, and I don’t get why they’d show that. It looks so disrespectful. My boyfriend doesn’t get it either. Even the actresses don’t seem all that excited about it. Where do you draw the line on where to climax? Are there places that are considered acceptable, and some that are not? Is it “open season” to use a woman’s body any way a man wishes? We aren’t sure if you will answer questions like this. What do the two of you think about this?
Tony’s View: There is a subtle but important line between fantasy and abuse.
Many porn movies these days end with the male climaxing on the woman’s face. This, unfortunately, gives the impressionable young men and women the idea that this is a natural activity, it is anything but. Climaxing on a woman’s face is humiliating and degrading to her, the reason it is popular with the crude males in the world is it humiliates and degrades a beautiful young woman who in real life would not give them the time of day, allowing the males to treat the woman as an object of scorn and ridicule.
The history behind this in the movies is that a woman’s climax is subtle and not easily defined where as a man’s is very visual, therefore the male climax has been traditionally used as the end point in a sex scene. In the movies of the 70’s the male withdrew and climaxed on her pubic mound. In the 80’s the male withdrew and climaxed on her stomach. In the 90’s the male withdrew and climaxed on her tits. In this century it has become common for the male to withdraw and climax on her face. Each decade getting a little more jaded and pushing the limits. It did not start as climaxing on her face but rather climaxing in her mouth at a distance to show the cum enter her mouth. Since neither accuracy nor control is all that good it often ended up on her face and then it changed to be that way intentionally. You must always remember that the actress is being well paid for this humiliation and degradation and does not, in her own life, allow this abuse.
As a general guideline, if he withdraws and climaxes someplace below your waist or on your back it is considered ok, because …well… it has to go someplace. If he wants to climax on you between your waist and your neck, that is a bit kinky, but if you are comfortable with his climaxing on your tits and it is an occasional thing, that’s ok too. We all do things for our lovers. But if he wants to climax on your face it is abuse.
Understand that his climaxing on your face is a “marking” behavior. It marks you as his property just as a male dog pees on a tree to mark his territory. He is expressing the concept that you are so worthless you are not worth the intimacy of climaxing in your vagina or your mouth. His attitude is that you should be honored that he “decorated” you.
Alison’s View: Yes, we are actually answering your question and we are glad you asked it! In fact, we hope that other people will take a cue from you and ask us a question, too! Tony’s view kind of made my skin crawl. It’s not that I don’t agree with him, because sadly, I do. It’s just that after spending literally decades as a reputable relationship expert, I know that there are lots of very angry, disenfranchised, and mentally deranged people walking among us and sometimes you can’t tell right off who they are. If one of these happens to be a man who ends up in bed with you, trouble is coming, literally (and it might end up literally on your face). You will hear me say this again and again on Leather and Lace SPICE, but one of the things I dislike about porn, and especially modern internet porn, is that it gives the impression that it is real, and that everyone is doing what the actors are doing. But these people are actors and it is their job to make you believe that they are loving what they’re doing — that their actions, no matter how far out, are acceptable — normal — lovely –wonderful –and you should want it too !
If you and your boyfriend watch a lot of porn together, just keep reminding yourselves that it is entertainment, not educational. You don’t have to like or do what you see. Like anything else that is entertainment oriented, you can simply “turn it off” when it’s something that you don’t like, enjoy, or want. In fact, I’d encourage you to do so. Why watch a man coming on a woman’s face if you don’t like to watch that? There are so many other options. Or better yet, step away from the computer screen and make love to each other. That’s real, and that is special beyond words and pictures. NO porn movie can ever compete with that.