Dear Leather and Lace: I worry about how women view me as a lover. Am I big enough? Do I last long enough? Do I have enough skills to satisfy? What does it take to be a good, if not great, lover? Are there tips? Secrets? Is there one BIG thing? I’m wondering….
Sign Me — Would be Romeo
Tony’s Take: All that you, as a male, need to do to be a great lover, is care more about her orgasm than your own. If you take your time and make her climax a couple of times before you allow her to attack you, by that point she will not care how big you are or how long you take before you climax. You’ll have made her one happy woman, and she now she will want you to be as happy as she is.
The key to being a good lover is intimacy, and the key to intimacy is touching. Humans (and women in particular), need to be held and caressed. Kissing is another form of touching, and to show your appreciation for the woman you must be doing a lot of both. I start out by hugging my intended, gazing into her eyes, caressing her hair, cheeks, back, showing her how much I desire her. You should always be caressing her, with your hands, and with your mouth.
Women need significantly more time to build up the sexual tension to climax than a man does, and daily thoughts about life will impede her unless you can distract her from them. Both foreplay and after care are important to women and it is your attention to these things that will make you a great lover.
Kissing is the single most important activity to most women. Your passion when kissing her will fire her passion. Start softly and work towards full open mouth kissing as she responds. You also need to show you adore her by kissing her neck (including the back of it), her ears, behind her ears, her cheeks, her nose, her eyelids, her forehead, her hair. Lightly sucking on the earlobe works for many women but even gentle bites should be saved until you know her well.
How you handle a woman’s breasts is very dependent on the woman and you must start off very gently and take your cues from her reactions. A good place to start is kissing her while gently cupping her breasts (through her clothes or bra if she is still wearing them). Continue, always gauging her reactions as you gently squeeze them. Cup her naked breast and run your finger over her nipple. Trap the nipple between two fingers and squeeze lightly. Kiss the nipples lightly. If she likes that, suck on them gently. Always remember that if she is not aroused, she is very sensitive — so you must be gentle. As she gets aroused you can squeeze her nipples. Twist them lightly. Squeeze them with your lips, and generally worship her breasts — as they deserve to be.
Before going on, you really need to view and analyze some solo female videos. You need to see how they touch themselves and what they like. Stay away from porn stars, and instead look amateurs and non professionals.
When moving on her first orgasm, you start by kissing her, deeply on the mouth, on the back of the neck, on the breasts, while moving your hand down, perhaps caressing the inside of her thigh and then moving your hand cupping her mound, the squeezing it gently, then drawing your finger back up the slit to the clitoral hood. I personally usually give my lover her first orgasm by playing with her with my fingers, rubbing the clitoral hood, gently running my fingertip around the mouth of her vagina probing occasionally, working the clitoral hood (and when she can stand it the clitoris), until she orgasm, keeping it up till she stops me.
I will use more intense techniques on her second orgasm. After she has calmed down, but before she is relaxed, I start kissing and caressing her again. I will use more intense techniques to bring her to a higher level of orgasm, I will use oral, finger penetration, vibrators or a combination of all of them to get her as excited as possible, and then continue past the little orgasms until she has a big one.
At that point your work is done and your fun begins. She is happy and satisfied and thinks the world of you. Each woman has preferences about how they want intercourse so discuss it with her in advance but don’t always do the same thing — experiment. If you like it a way that she doesn’t, you have the right to request it that way for at least part of the time (e.g. every other time you have sex). Fair, reasonable, understanding and caring will get you a long way.
In summation, think about what it is like to be a woman, to have a body that is designed to receive as opposed to give. Understand that an orgasm is designed to make the male climax and to draw his seed into the womb. Understand the sense of fulfillment and completeness that is part of the female orgasm and how special it is. Then you will start being a great lover.
Alison’s Take: I always smile to myself when I hear that a man is worrying about his penis size or stamina (and it is a very popular concern) or fussing over technique. If only you knew how little we care about this! Guys, you don’t have to be the most skillful lover, or endowed like a porn star, for us to think you’re the best in bed (unless you are truly minuscule or deformed, or really can’t last more than a nano-second, or do something so awkward that it is physically painful). I can’t speak for every woman, but I can speak for the majority of us. We aren’t as much interested in sexual acrobatics as much as just feeling genuinely needed and desired by the man we are with. That’s really the secret. It’s so easy and yet men are still focused on what they look like and how many tricks they can master to turn us on. So let me clue you in — a man can be gorgeous, well endowed, and an expert lover, but if he is only with a woman to gratify his own sexual needs, she will know it no matter what kind of sexual “show” he puts on. Your penis really doesn’t turn us on, your mind and therefore, your genuine desire for us, does. For most women (I can’t speak for all), sex and love (or at least affection) are intricately entwined. Satisfaction begins in the brain, before a woman is willing to get intimate with someone. Even if it’s a one night stand with a stranger, there has to be some attraction, some motivation. She’s not looking at a man’s penis before she agrees to have sex with him (except perhaps, in unusual places like sex clubs), but she will be motivated by what he says and does. A man who shows us that he is so turned on by us he can’t stand it one more minute, that he thinks we’re hot and that we’re amazing inside and out, is the biggest turn on of all.
That being said, when a man is loving and confident, and isn’t awkward, he’s more likely to make the experience more pleasurable for his partner, especially if she is a bit uncomfortable or inexperienced. Women are a hotbed of body and performance issues just like men are, because we are only human. A woman may be worrying about how her body looks; if her breasts are too large or small, whether she smells nice, whether her hair and makeup look ok; whether she is making too much noise (or not enough), or a hundred other things that you’re never even going to notice, but she’s thinking about them even as you are attempting to excite her. But, as Tony suggests, once a man and a woman are in the moment and making love, the more familiar and skillful a man is in touching a woman’s body and reading her reactions, the more likely she is to enjoy it. If you are not an experienced lover, the best way to learn is to ask “does this feel good?” or “what do you like?” and if you can see that she is not responding to something, do something else. Communication is the key to everything. That’s a no brainer.
As to your worries about penis size, really, it has been proven not to matter. I don’t get why men are so stuck on this. We really don’t care that much. In fact, except for porn movies, having a partner with a really huge penis really isn’t such a pleasure. But you don’t have to take it from me. Consider it from the famous sex researchers Masters and Johnson. One of the things they studied back in the 50’s was the importance of penis size on female satisfaction. For starters, a man with a short but wide penis would probably think of himself as having a small penis, but width is part of size. In any case, Masters and Johnson did research that showed the size of the male penis has no true physiological effect on female sexual satisfaction at all. They based their conclusion on their physiological studies that showed the vagina adapts to fit the size of the penis. Because of this vaginal adaptation, they refer to the vagina as a potential space rather than an actual space. Masters and Johnson therefore concluded that any size penis will fit and provide adequate sexual stimulation to any female. Add to this physiological fact the ability to broadcast your genuine passion and affection for the woman you are with, and you’ll make your partner happy. See? Your question has been answered, No secrets, No Tricks, No Worries!
*Tony’s Addendum: For the second time while writing our Leather and Lace columns, the real world has consprired to illustrate a point I was making.
While reviewing erotic videos for commentary, I chanced upon a girl/girl scene involving two early 20’s women, one of whom obviousy had never had sex with another woman (we’ll call her “the new girl”), and a second woman who was obviously very experienced and very comfortable with her sexuality. Even though I hate the term, we’ll call her, “the lesbian.”
It was very enlightenig to see the lesbian approach another woman just as a man would (as I described above). However, like some men, she made a major mistake and assumed that since she was very sensual and very aroused, her partner was, as well. The lesbian proceeded directly from kissing to oral. The new girl, who was still distracted by the environment and the situation, found the stimulation pleasant but did not build sexual tension. The lesbian, sensing hr lack of arousal, changed to deep fingering which is normally verey effective in arousing a woman, but she got the same result. The lesbian then repeated the cycle, trying oral and fingering, but the new girl never got more than pleasant feelings. Finally, the lesbian realized her mistake and that she must, as I have described above, start out by elimating distracttions, and give the new girl a small orgasm. She proceeded to kiss the new girl deeply, while lighly caressing her mound, deepening the kiss and the caress until the new girl had a small orgasm. The lesbian then switched back to oral, and the new girl, who was now relaxed, had a huge orgaasm.