Are BJs really an obligatory part of my relationship?
My boyfriend really likes oral sex. But honestly, I really don’t enjoy it. It takes him a long time to come. I just get bored and tired and want him to be done with it. When he finally does ejaculate I sometimes feel like I’ll gag. I don’t hate oral, it’s just really no fun for me. And I wouldn’t mind it so much if he returned the favor, but he always seems to have a reason why he can’t be bothered with me. I am really beginning to resent this. As I see it, he should give as good as he gets or he shouldn’t get a BJ from me. Do you agree with me?
Tony’s View: You have to be good at oral sex if you expect him to be.
There should be balance in the relationship. One of the greatest thrills for you as a woman is oral sex (especially if accompanied by expert fingering). Likewise oral sex for the male is thrilling. He must be willing to get you off if you are willing to get him off and you must satisfy him if he satisfies you.
You are required to allow him to cum in your mouth while sucking him. The feeling at the point of ejaculation (climax) for a male is very intense and heightened by being sucked on through the episode. If you want him to love you and not stray you have to learn to do this, it is not optional. You have four ways of dealing with this. The first and by far the safest and easiest is to make him wear a condom. The easiest way from a cleanup perspective is for you to swallow. Some women hold it in their mouths and then deposit it in a tissue. Perhaps the simplest is to push it out of your mouth and down the shaft as you move your head leaving it for him to clean up. You need to decide what works for you.
This is not to say he should be allowed to abuse you, your actions must be entirely voluntary and uncoerced. If he caresses your head or holds it lightly, that is fine, but if he holds your head and move it or pushes it down on him that is not ok, that is abuse. Likewise your stimulating him may make him move in and out a little bit, which is natural. If he starts thrusting in hard and hitting the back of your throat or making you gag it is abuse.
If the taste bothers you there are strips you can put on your tongue to kill the taste.
Another good reason to make him wear a condom during oral sex is STDs. Yes, the chance of you getting an STD from oral sex is lower than any other way but that depends on everything being perfect. If you have a cold sore, if you brush you teeth and your gums bleed or you scratch your gums, if your tongue piercing gets irritated or tears, then you will get an STD. And using mouth wash or even liquor to rinse out your mouth won’t help if the STD is a virus. Be safe, we love you, you are precious.
Alison’s View: I agree with Tony, that you both need to be enthusiastic about oral sex if you both want to get it. And the better you are at it, the nicer it is going to be. But I can’t say that it is one of the “greatest thrills” a woman is going to have. Maybe for some women it is better than other types of sexual activity, and maybe it isn’t. It’s a bit like saying that a hot fudge ice cream sundae is the best choice when you’re going to pig out on desert. Personally, I know women who prefer caramel, or strawberry sauce, or they’re like me and they like their hot fudge with wet walnuts, crushed raspberries and real, thick, genuine whipped cream that’s almost butter. And then there are women who really only like plain sorbet. The point is, maybe oral sex is your favorite flavor, and maybe it is his favorite flavor too. In that case, you should serve it up often and with gusto.
But what if it isn’t your thing?
If you really dislike sucking a man’s penis, he’s going to know it no matter how much you try to pretend you like it to keep him “happy.” There are some things that are truly hard to fake (unless you’re a porn star and you’re getting paid to “like” it). Most women aren’t going to be able to fake an enthusiastic BJ if they really loathe it. Tony says it is a must-do, not optional. I am not sure I agree with that. For starters, there might be a decent reason why you don’t get any joy out of sucking on the man’s penis like a Popsicle. Maybe he smells (not all men realize their hygiene is lacking). Maybe he is huge and your mouth and jaw are tiny and he doesn’t make any adjustments for this. Maybe he doesn’t care enough about you to consider your feelings, and do other things to pleasure you, so it’s all about him. Any and all of these could cause resentment and reduce your willingness to please him this way, or any way. Tony says that your man might decide to stray and find someone who will give him the oral sex he wants if you don’t do it, but I think being forced by fear into doing it won’t keep love alive, it will kill it.
Sex is one of the most intense and personal ways that two people can truly show their affection for one another. But if a sexual act is demanded it won’t enhance the well being of either person. It will make the person who feels pressured angry and used and disrespected. It will make the person who insisted upon it resentful that s/he had to force the issue. And, having a penis repeatedly shoved in your mouth when you don’t want it there, is certainly not going to make you feel cherished.
But the positive way to view oral sex or any sexual act that you might not love so much, but that your partner likes, is to consider that if you really care for someoene you should embrace all of them. All of a man includes his penis. A woman who offers up some penis worship in the form of oral sex sends the signals that she loves and accepts all of him. So unless you have a serious issue, I’d try to offer up a few BJs now and then as a generous show of your love. You don’t have to do it all the time, and you can ask for a show of some worship in return — he should give as good as he gets!