Leather and Lace Advice

Advice for relationships, friendships, love, intimacy

Follow Us!

Follow Us on TwitterFollow Us on FacebookFollow Us on Google+Follow Us on About.meFollow Us on RSSFollow Us on PinterestFollow Us on YouTubeFollow Us on WordpressFollow Us on AdviceSisters.comFollow Us on FacebookBroup Great Relationships JOIN US!
  • Home
  • Questions/Advice
  • Contact Us
  • Articles
  • Archives
  • About Us
  • Press
  • Privacy/Legal
  • COMMUNICATING
    • Communicating in Relationships
    • Enhancing Intimacy
    • Infidelity and Affairs
    • Living Together
    • Trust/Jealousy
  • DATING
    • Dating Issues
    • Dating Tips & Advice
    • Reviews
  • FRIENDS & FAMILY
    • Friend & family issues
    • Friendship
    • Work & Love
  • RELATIONSHIPS
    • going forward
    • Difficult Relationships
    • Divorce
    • Making a Commitment
    • Relationship Tips & Advice
  • SPICE!
    • Intimate Interviews
    • Intimate Reviews
    • Sex Issues
      • Spicy Topics & Adult Passion

Just got engaged but not sure anymore

June 23, 2016 By: aandtcomment

we just got engaged and suddenly, she’s having 2nd thoughts

really sad guy

how could she do this to me, and to US?!

A couple of months ago my fiancee told me that she is having doubts about our engagement. We got engaged about 5 months ago, even though we have been friends and/or dating for almost 9 years and we’re both about to graduate from college.  We are both close to 29 years old.  When I gave her the ring she said she was sure and looked forward to the rest of our lives together, but now she says she still loves me but isn’t “in love” with me.  When I pressed her she said that she just doesn’t have the same feelings she had before, and some of the things I do that she used to like have started to bother her (e.g. like I texted her during the day to let her know I was thinking of her).  She says she knows we are best friends, but isn’t sure it’s enough. She says she thinks we might want to break our engagement because she needs to be on her own, although I offered to delay our wedding date and just live together and see how it goes.  How could she do this to me? I can’t live without her and I didn’t think I’d have to.  love her very much, she’s my best friend and I want to spend my life with her, but I don’t know what to do.  We made a commitment to each other after so many years, how could she be unsure now?  I’m really having a hard time with all of this because – to me – the change seems very sudden.
Signed, confused Ken
tony sabatini head shotTony’s Take:   We as humans change radically as we leave the environment of our parents and go out and establish an identity and life on our own. This is why so many relationships that start off in High School ultimately, fail. One person ends up maturing while the other one uses the relationship and its comfort to not grow and mature as a person.  You want to comfort and easy and familiarity and intimacy of the long term relationship you have, but you are unwilling to recognize that the person with whom you originally became involved,  has changed and you have grown in different directions.
Your fiance is now 29, which for a woman is significant. She is about to be 30, her reproductive options are about to become limited. She does not look upon you as a love interest any longer. You have been relegated to the friend zone. To get back out of that is no easy task if it is possible at all. My best advice here is to get on with your life and see if you can keep her as a friend  because it if goes as it is going right now, there could be a very bitter breakup which will leave you never seeing her again.
The biggest indicator here is how long the relationship has been going on without progressing. There are reasons why two people can’t commit after nine years, and to not recognize them is the issue. If you are on the romantic, optimistic side, there is a small chance that if you start dating someone else, that she will actually realize that she does love you and want you back.  Otherwise, dating around will give you enough emotional separation to deal with her on a civil and friendly basis.

 

Alison Blkackman head shotAlison’s Take: I feel sad for you, Ken, it’s definitely confusing when you love someone and have a vision of a future with them, and it suddenly seems like things have changed. Nine years is a long time to be with someone, but you met your fiance when you were just kids, and the two of you are not the same people you were back then.  As Tony suggested, part of the warm feelings you have for each other are familiarity, a sense of comfort and trust, shared memories and the knowledge that you have seen some of the best, and the worst, of each other.  But you can love someone passionately and then realize when you look forward, that your perception of that person have changed.  That doesn’t mean your feelings for that person have diminished, but your  goals for the future with him or her may have.

You mention that your fiance said some of the very things that once seemed attractive and cute about you now annoy her.  That is very common in long term relationships.  Couples get complacent and often, intolerant of one another. They take things for granted. But I don’t think that’s the real problem.  Neither of you have had the chance to develop independently of the other.As you started to get closer to making a permanent commitment, the idea of being with you forever when she hasn’t had time to explore other partners and try new things on her own is the real issue.  You may not feel the need to try new things, but obviously, your fiance does. If she settles down with you right now, she will never know what else is out there, or if she is making the right or best choice (for her).  In truth, you can’t know that either, since the two of you have been tied to each other for so long through the years when you should have and could have been socializing and experimenting, having new experiences and learning new things on your own.

I’m sure you have heard the expression “If you love someone you have to let them go. If they return it’s meant to be and if they don’t, it is for the best.”  Since you are graduating, give yourself a time out, a break from one another.  If you are truly meant to be together, you’ll re-connect stronger than before. Yes, there’s a risk she won’t return or you may find someone else, but if that happens you’ll know you made the right choice.

Good luck.

Related Posts

We Are Engaged But Now Things Aren’t Certain How Can I Save Us?

Dear Alison & Tony:  Here’s the situation: Sarah and I got engaged but now things are uncertain.  My fiance and I met in college. After we graduated, which was about 4 years ago, we bought some property and set up a home together.  About 6 months ago I decided it was time to make this […]

Am I Just a Booty Call or Something More?

My boyfriend “John”  and I have been going out for about a year. We’re both in our early 30s. We live about an hour away from each other but see each other just about once a month because of my work schedule. When we do see each other we stay inside, have sex and after […]

He’s Not Committed, So Should I Still Move To Be With Him?

  Hi Alison & Tony. My boyfriend of  4 years and I are in a long distance relationship. We met online and most of our relationship is on the phone or in texts. We vacationed together a couple of times and I visited his city once or twice. He asked me to move and be with him. He […]

It’s Terrrible! My Fiance Broke Our Engagement & I Can’t Move On

Some months ago my fiance broke our engagement.  She told me that she loves me and she wants it to work but she can’t make herself feel the same way that I do. She says that I am the best man she will ever know. We’ve had sex since the breakup but she is also […]

She Loves Me? So Why Is She Leaving Me?

Hi Alison and Tony:  Me and my girlfriend have dated for 6 years. Gosh! We never have fought about anything serious where we didn’t kiss and make up  fast.  She has said that she wanted me to live with her and her parents and that her parents were gonna pay for my schooling. I’ve got […]

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

LEATHER AND LACE® is a registered United States trademark. No portion of this web site including illustrations, may be copied or used in any way without written permission. The content in this web site is based upon what works in the real world, It isn't a substitute for professional, in-person counseling. Leather and Lace Advice uses provided samples for most of its reviews, To learn more please read our Privacy/Legal Disclosure

Copyright © 2022 · Modern Blogger Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

Posting....