Hi Alison & Tony. My boyfriend of 4 years and I are in a long distance relationship. We met online and most of our relationship is on the phone or in texts. We vacationed together a couple of times and I visited his city once or twice. He asked me to move and be with him. He tells me how much he loves me and we talk all the time. However, I am the one who had to make plans to see him. We share expenses, but he never offered me a plane ticket or the cost of my hotel room, nor has he really invited me to visit him (if I suggest it he says “fine”). He doesn’t give me gifts but tells me what he’s given to other people. This really hurts! I planned to move with my two kids to be with him but have a good job where I live now so I don’t know if I should do it. What do you two think?
Alison:
From what you wrote, it appears to me that your boyfriend is on the fence. Talk is cheap and it’s free, as well. He hasn’t asked you to visit and stay with him, has he?
You mention hotel rooms you’ve paid for. If you brought your kids with you I can understand the hotel room, but why wouldn’t he ask you to say with him, otherwise?
Maybe he is really married or in another relationship.
I would not uproot your life, leave a great job, and take your children to another city to be with a man that offers you no guarantees.
Money is power. If you move and lose your job, you are helpless without an income.
Consider the Kids!
Consider: by moving, you might actually be putting your children in danger as you don’t know how he will respond to them.
Uprooting them and their support systems to be with someone who hasn’t committed to you is risky. Without a ring on your finger or any type of commitment, it would be a risky move.
It has got to hurt that he mentions gifts for other people but hasn’t given you anything. I think it’s very insensitive and disrespectful. I’d definitely call him on this especially as Valentines Day is coming.
I don’t think your man is being completely honest with you. However, there are ways to investigate what he’s really up to. Don’t feel guilty because this is essential to know what your future might hold.
Only then can you make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue with him.
Tony:
The key phrase in this letter is the fact that you are paying for hotel rooms to go and visit him. if you are taking your kids to meet a potential new stepfather, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t stay in his home.
However, if these visits are just for you and your boyfriend, it shows a lack of intimacy.
If he truly wanted you to visit he would want you with him during the entire stay.
I’ve often said in my comments that when you have children, your life is no longer your own. Your children must come first.
Taking your children from a situation where they are reasonably well provided for to a situation where you don’t even know whether you will be together in six months is not something you expose your kids to (including children in high school, not just younger ones).
He’s Complacent:
Your boyfriend has shown that he is already complacent about the relationship. He is expecting to be waited on.
He is not giving you presents because you are not a challenge. He doesn’t feel he will lose you by not taking care of you.
This is a bad power dynamic. Good relationships are born of mutual respect.
You give in a good relationship because you wish to delight your partner and to make them happier. You can’t buy love with “things.”
My advice to you is that he should occasionally come to visit you and at this point in your relationship, it’s necessary.
He then should be encouraged to get his own hotel room as until you are engaged and get to know him better, he should not be in your home with your children.
Keep encouraging his positive behavior by being appreciative, and by giving him the human warmth and comfort which will reinforce this, since it does not appear that his mother trained him up well on these points.
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