Hi Alison and Tony: I love your advice. Now I’m writing because I don’t’ know what to do. I’ve been seeing Thom for over two years. We aren’t living together as we are both legally separated but have young children. His divorce is further along than mine, but once our issues are taken are of we’d like to marry and blend our families. It’s taking a lot of time and the issues are emotionally and financially draining, but we’ve managed to cope. Mostly we’ve been able to connect but lately my boyfriend has been distant. It’s not anything specific, just little things – his kiss seems less intense and he isn’t as physically demonstrative. We’ve stopped talking about future plans. What really bothers me the most is that he no longer calls or texts as much as he once did. Maybe it’s stress, but could it be our relationship is in trouble? I’d like your input please.
Anxious Arlene
Is he into me anymore? I am just not sure
Alison’s Take:
“Men tend to get uncommunicative and distant when they are busy or when they feel overwhelmed.”
Relationships where one or both parts of the couple are going through a breakup, can be very stressful.
This might be a case of women’s intuition on your part, but relationships “in transition” can be very stressful and go through ups and downs. e together, but you can’t be and you don’t know when you could have a life together.
You say you want a life together but it’s not happening quickly.
Tony and I don’t have a window into your relationship so we really don’t know what if anything is bugging your boyfriend.
There could be many reasons he might be stressed out but that doesn’t mean any of them have anything to do with you.
Your boyfriend could be worried about work, or have issues with his kids or his ex, or be stressed out about money.
Is He Just Not Into You?
Men tend to get uncommunicative when they are busy or when they feel overwhelmed.
But that doesn’t mean that Thom isn’t into you.
What it does mean is that he’s not communicating whatever it is that’s bothering him.
So you don’t know what’s wrong.
One thing I would consider is that as Thom’s divorce comes to a conclusion, he might be starting to realize that he’s not going to be immediately ready for another responsibility or commitment by re-marrying and blending families.
He may want some time alone, but he doesn’t want to tell you that.
Some men avoid confrontation when they don’t want to disappoint someone they love.
They don’t communicate, they just pull way and say nothing.
This could be the case and you really need to find out.
I disagree with Tony (see his answer below) that hugs and kissses are going to solve this.
Tell him you are worried that he is being distant, but that you can handle the truth.
You need to know where you stand.
Tony Take:
“With many guys the only way to get then to communicate is through intimacy.”
It is not so much that Thom has lost interest in you but that he has lost faith that the situation will resolve itself.
He feels that things are no longer progressing.
Something has forced him to back off and re-evaluate what he is doing.
I would guess that Thom doesn’t love you any less but he is afraid to commit to you emotionally for fear of being disappointed or abandoned later.
This can also happen if his ex puts certain pressures on him such as screwing with custody arrangements based upon his relationship with you.
Obviously, you can’t make anyone be in love with you but make sure that you are open and loving toward him.
It’s possible that Thom trying to protect himself emotionally since he was recently hurt by the breakup of his marriage.
Communicate: It’s the Key to Everything
Communication is the key to everything. But with many guys the only way to get then to communicate is through intimacy.
It would be ideal if you could get away with him for a few days to some place romantic.
Given your circumstances, this might be hard to schedule unless you can do it over Thanksgiving or Christmas (when the children might be with their other parent).
But guys like to be held as much as women. That is how you communicate your love to him.
You just have to convince him it is his idea to hug you. This may allow you to get back into sync.
Good luck!
I was married to a malignant narcissist! Most men have the disorder. Ego, you have to kiss their ass, they don’t meet you half way! Twist and spin things out when confronted for their lies. As to the lack of communication, this is part of it. I married years later, to find myself in the same type of relationship. Although, he stays active, outside, does not like to talk about anything. When we talk, its an argument! Hes very controlling, tends to sabotage everything good with jealousy. VERY passive aggressive! A bully too. For father’s day, he was treated wonderfully. I made reservations for Brunch at a really nice restaurant. When announcing it with excitement, he stated, ” How did you manage that”???? Not how nice, thank you? I said I have connections, on the way stated, it takes at least 3 months to get into that place? New thing, always looking at his cell phone, tablet, computer. Says hes doing this and that, taking care of that. lol
Heavy sigh from me!? Like really? What does it matter? When we got there, then he changed again, of course in a public setting after the server wished him a happy fathers day also? I wished him one when we first woke up? He wasn’t as excited? Since his mother is the same way, it does no good to be kind to toxic people! I am very independent, that was a problem too, but I don’t care!
Everyone out there, don’t feel your responsible for someone that can’t appreciate any good you have to offer, its never going to be good enough. My mother in law is a bully too. No its not genetic, its a taught behavior. However none of us have to be toxic! I refuse to allow any of this to define me. He is non-supportive, and his parents were not of him either. As soon as I get upset with him or have to baby sit him, hes running around trying to get the stuff done he initially said he was. This only happens when I am going to TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING MYSELF. He says, I’ll get it, or do it. Hours go by, days and so I step up and get it done myself. Trying to set me up for failure is not going to happen! Staging stuff constantly to make me look like the needy one. NOT!
More spin outs anyone! I am kind to everyone until I have had enough of the bullying to have others feel better about their insecurities and low self esteem. So much displaced aggression within people! I am confident, that’s the problem, but not mine! Can hold my own, that’s the problem, but not mine. How many of you see this?
I continue to be happy with myself! Live and let live! The blessing is I can see through it all, ahead of the childish games. How much longer is a good question, we all have choice.