We are starting out this Leatherandlaceadvice.com story in our new format. Instead of just a question, we start with a true-to-life fictional story based on letters we receive and our own experiences. Read the story first (the question is at the end of the story). Then see our two-for-one-question advice on how to handle it.
The story:
Bob and Margie were high school sweethearts, inseparable even in college. They married soon afterward. They quickly became the parents of three children. Although Margie had a marketing degree, she was happy to stay home raising the kids while Bob went to his job at the bank. They seemed happy. However, beneath the surface, their marriage was strained due to Margie’s unreasonable possessiveness. Bob had lots of friends including female co-workers. Maggie sensed that while she was cleaning the house and picking up after the kids, Bob was having a better quality of life than she did. Bob did help somewhat around the house, but he spent most of his time at home on the phone or on his computer.
One day a female friend called Bob while the family was having dinner. He went to another room and Margie could hear him laughing. When he returned from the long phone call, he apologized. He said he was just helping a co-worker with something. Margie was upset. She told him she didn’t see the need for him to spend time with other women. As time went on, Margie began to separate Bob from all of his friends, but especially his female ones. She would pitch a loud and angry fit every time he tried to go out, no matter what the reason, Margie felt she had to come along or he shouldn’t go at all. Their fights began to get more frequent. Bob wondered if he might just as well lie about where he was or what he was doing to get away from her. He realized that Margie had become his social jailer. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, so why shouldn’t be friends with both sexes?
Alison:s Advice:
Good relationships are made with trust. Margie probably feels inferior to her husband and is not always so fulfilled as a stay-at-home mom because it can be isolating. This makes her super clingy. But jealousy and possessiveness are very bad traits. I have heard of innocent people being murdered because one part of a couple felt that “If I can’t have him/her all to myself, no one else can either.” That is the extreme, but having a partner who is unable to let go and must be part of everything the other person does, is very damaging.
You can’t make someone love you, feel good about you, or want to be with you if you are his or her social jailer. One of the successes of long-term couples is that they give each other time off to be with other people. This gives each part of the couple time to pursue hobbies the other isn’t into. It also gives them a way to connect with friends and family that perhaps their partner doesn’t enjoy socializing with.
Bob should not lie about where he is and with whom. Instead, perhaps he needs to reassure his wife that he loves being with her –even if he likes to spend some “me” time with other people. He can do this by paying more attention to her and being a loving, giving person. If Bob goes out, he should tell her where he is going and approximately when he intends to return. We do that as adults to keep our partners feeling safe. If he can’t get home in time, he needs to text or call. Additionally, Bob should encourage Margie to go out on her own more often while he watches the kids. Once the social “playing field” is more even and Margie has a social life too, she will stop hounding Bob to go everywhere he goes all the time.
Tony’s Advice:
Possessiveness and jealousy are very complicated topics. One must address them in the real-world experience rather than having a blanket answer. Women tend to be possessive by nature. This is due to maintaining the status of children, home, and hearth. However, this type of possessiveness is not rooted in jealousy per se.
On the other hand, there are significant others who want to isolate you and control you. We can say that this is expressed as extreme possessiveness and jealousy. Not only are these people toxic, but they can also be actively dangerous when thwarted. They can also be emotionally damaging to their partner’s mental state.
In the intermediate and less extreme types of jealousy and possessiveness, there are several types. The first is the fear of missing out. These people look at the life of their partner and think they’re having more fun. So they insist upon being included no matter what.
Another class of possessiveness is due to a person feeling inadequate. These people are afraid that their partner will find someone new who will be a better partner than they are. And yet another type of jealousy and possessiveness has to do with partners who are in an active emotional or physical affair. These people fear that their partner is doing the same thing.
All but the mildest of possessiveness is jealousy and is therefore toxic. It leads to bad results such as the aforementioned lying to your spouse just so you do not trigger them. Marriage counseling may help. However, my advice to Bob is to not give up on himself, or those friends and family he holds dear.
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