My husband never follows through on the things he says he’s going to do. This has been a constant throughout our marriage. I can give you dozens of examples large and small, on nearly a daily basis. For example, the other day we were going to visit some relatives. I asked “Tom” to fill the gas tank the day before the trip so we could get an early start. He said “sure.” That morning I noticed he hadn’t filled the tank. We wasted at least 20 minutes getting gas, so we arrived late. Another time we were having a barbecue and had purchased a picnic table that had to be assembled. I asked Tom to do this a few weeks before the party. He said “sure.” Two weeks before the party I noticed he hadn’t done it, so I reminded him that we needed it for the party. He got mad at me and said he’d get it done, not to nag him. Of course. the night before the party, he still hadn’t done it. That morning, I had to stop what I needed to do to help him assemble the table. I can do some of these things myself, but Tom takes it as a personal affront if I try to do so, saying he has it under control..but he doesn’t! Tom has forgotten to pay bills and other things that he insists on doing himself but that he simply doesn’t seem to do in any reasonable time frame or at all. I am getting really frustrated as I don’t like to see things fall apart in our lives simply because Tom wants to control but then never gets things done. Is there any way to either take control myself or motivate my husband to get things done, without ruining our relationship?
Anne, Teed Off in Texas
Tony’s Take: Sadly, this type of behavior is an indication of either contempt or rebellion. He likely feels put upon and therefore purposely delays “gratification” for you, his partner, as a form of punishment. If you wish the relationship to survive long term, you need to find out why he feels abused, why he feels disconnected from you. This will not be the only indicator that things have cooled between you.
Good relationships are built on mutual caring and mutual respect, and when this breaks down , you get the kind of behavior pattern you are describing. You have to examine the situation and discover where you have pushed the limits too far, such that he compensates with this rather petty behavior.
Understand that even though he’s being stubborn, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you or that he doesn’t love you. But it does mean that he feels trapped and emasculated by something in the relationship.
Rather than blow up the entire relationship and walking away, he lets off a bit of his discontent in these small ways.
To fix this, you must show him how much you care for him. You must show him how much you love him. You must show him how much you appreciate his doing these things for you, and your requests must sound like sincere requests not like orders, because it is the tone of an order which sets the reaction in play. Whereas a proper “reward” a smile, a kiss, a hug, a kind word, will brighten his day and bond him to you.
Alison’s Take: When I first read Tony’s response I did squirm. As a woman, I don’t see why men should need to be rewarded when women do chores every day without any recognition. But if you have a “Tom” in your life the pattern was established early in the relationship and in order to break the pattern, love, not tough love, is probably best.
If there’s one thing a man doesn’t like, it’s being nagged and pushed. When a man says he will do something but then doesn’t follow through, it could mean that he means to do (sincerely), but men tend to get easily distracted. They are not always as good as women when it comes to multi-tasking chores. They prioritize differently. For a man, getting something done at work or finishing the crossword puzzle before dinner is far more important than taking out the trash, putting gas in the car to visit relatives he probably doesn’t want to visit, in the first place.
It is also quite possible, as Tony suggested, that your husband says “sure” to shut you up and avoid a fight, but he never intends to do anything. It’s just a way to avoid an immediate argument and avoid stress. He wants to control the relationship and he’s made it a battleground. This is a fight you can’t win with “gentle reminders.”
You are making your husband the problem, but you are also part of it. Consider: how many of the things are you asking your husband to do, does he actually do? The chances are that he does a lot of the chores you are asking him to handle. It is the ones he doesn’t do, that you remember, that irritate and anger you, and that compelled you to write to us.
If a man (or woman)wants to control but then doesn’t follow through, showing appreciation for what they do is a reward system. Nagging or showing your irritation just fuels their resolve to ignore you. Maybe this is infantile behavior, but if you are in a relationship with something like this, you have two choices. You can leave, or you can find something that works, becuase killing someone with kindness is a lot better than showing how disappointed and disgusted you are with them.
It’s a good idea for you to think before you speak. Don’t assign little tasks that you can do and that you feel must be done quickly, if you can quietly get them done yourself, and avoid frustration. There is a big difference between putting gas in the car (you could do this and he probably wouldn’t even notice) and a complicated project such as putting together that picnic table with power tools. Try assigning less on your “honey do” list, and the chances are better that your husband will actually do the important chores that you really need him to do.
As to Tony’s suggestion that you have to “reward” a man for a job well done, I admit that I initially squirmed and was indignant. But again, I reconsidered (and so should you). In a perfect world you wouldn’t need to stroke your man’s ego, but men are fragile in their own way. Showing your appreciation for a chore is always nice, even if your husband takes what you do for granted. He shouldn’t, but women are used to being multi-taskers that handle mundane, thankless jobs, without recognition.
We should get recognized more for what we do (and you can certainly point that out to your husband) but most women don’t need to be “stroked” quite as much. If rewarding your husband for doing those tasks gets his motor running and motivates him to do more of what you want and need him to do, at least he will be happy and you will be too because this issue will fade in significance in your lives and you’ll both be under less stress.
What do you think of Alison and Tony’s advice to “Anne, Teed off in Texas?” OW WOULD YOU HANDLE THIS ISSUE? Does your partner procrastinate when it comes to chores? We’d love to hear from you. Share your thoughts in our comment section. Also feel free to share this Q&A with your social media contacts and link to it (or ask us if you would like to have our exclusive content for your website–just remember it’s copyrighted, you must ask written permission ).
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I agree with both comments, but also have the same issues with my husband of over 30 years. I handle all the tasks around the house that I possibly can including putting petrol in the cars and even washing both our cars. I do all the gardening, the finances, cleaning, house painting and the list goes on. I only ask hubby to do the things I can’t do, he always says “Yeah” but those jobs just don’t get done. If I mention them a second time I’m told I’m nagging (which I don’t want to do) or he just hasn’t had time ( he only works a couple of days a week ) and he always has an excuse for jobs not done. These jobs aren’t just flights of fancy on my part but are usually about minor house repairs and the like. Hubby always has time to help others, including neighbours, and time to go flying or on motor bike rides but no time to help me. I have tried the big pat on the back for him whenever he has done something I asked him to do but that only worked for a couple of times and then he fell back into the same pattern of doing nothing. I feel this is a sign of how he feels about me. I think I have been a good ‘help mate’ throughout our marriage, and often done more than my share, this has been backed up by comments by family members and friends who have witnessed how much I have done. Now I just live in frustration and have pretty much given up that things will get better. I don’t ask him to do anything anymore because I know that it is just a waste of time.
JAZZ, this is exactly how I feel! I’ve basically given up on asking him to do anything because I know he won’t do it and it is very frustrating! And it seems as if when I ask, then it will definitely not get done. If I talked to him about it he tells me that he is the victim because I get angry at him. I’m sorry but I’m tired of doing most everything. He is quite the slob and will promptly make a mess as soon as I can clean it up.
So basically do everything, like you’re already doing because he keeps dropping the ball. Then add on top of that taking care of him and making him feel good enough to activate particular in the relationship? Hmm. Sounds to me like I’d rather die than do all the work so someone else can CHOOSE to step up. If they wanted equal parts in the relationship they would step up regardless of at least communicate.
I re-read our answers to this important question Ashley, and I think there might be a misinterpretation of what we wrote. In a perfect world everyone would pitch in and do his or her share, but many men (and some women too) are used to being “taken care of.” If you are living or involved with one of these people, you already know that they are not going to volunteer to do chores and they aren’t that interested in as you put it “equal parts” of a relationship. If your partner keeps dropping the ball it could be because this person isn’t used to pitching in or doesn’t want to and can’t be pushed to do it. Threats and nagging just enrage them into inertia. In relationships like this the partnership isn’t equal, but the one who does the work chooses what’s done, how it’s done, where, and why. This might not make your life more relaxing, but it gives you, the do-er power, while the one who doesn’t do anything has to go along with whatever is done.
No, Ashley understands what you wrote as I do. This is ridiculous. How about women stop doing things we are asked? This is the worst thing I have read this year — and there are plenty of awful things out there.
Mary, I agree with you. There are a lot of awful things out there. But is this really the worst one? If so, your life must be pretty great and I’m happy for you. To keep fair and open communication I am posting this, but I do think that anger is not the solution to frustrating problems. You (or I) shouldn’t presume to know whether or not Ashley agrees or disagrees or gets this any more than you do unless you already know Ashley, and this is your way of dealing with a simple Q&A that you don’t agree with. Clearly, you took the time to respond, so I will go out on a limb and guess that you have a similar situation to our original poster.
If you are with someone who is a slacker, you chose him or her. You should never be with someone hoping they will change to meet your demands or needs because they probably won’t. Getting angry, frustrated and hostile doesn’t fix the problem. Both of you are part of the solution.
Your suggestion that women stop doing the things they are asked isn’t altogether a bad idea. Go ahead and try it and see how that works for you. For most people though, life is a negotiation.
When you lash out at Us (Alison and Tony) I wonder whether the comment is helpful or just to attack us. Is that how you handle your relationships? If your comment was simply meant to be an attack on us do know we are used to dealing with people who are unstrung, angry, or simply don’t like our advice. We know we can’t please everyone although we have helped people around the world for over two decades.
On a personal note, I have been married 29 years and my husband doesn’t always conform to my ideal either. However, we make compromises (sometimes more me, sometimes more him) for the sake of our relationship. That works for us.
How will you work to make your relationship better?
I’ve read several of these letters written by distraught wives on various web sites and the replies written to them by so called experts. Invariably every single response comes down to the man is displaying some passive aggressive response to something his wife has either purposefully or subconsciously done to make his life miserable. The wife must then soul search to discover what *she* has done to bring out this completely understandable and forgivable behavior in her poor henpecked husband. Nice that men can live in a world where they bear no responsibility for their own reactions and the success of their marriage.
Jessica, thanks for your comments. First, let me correct something: We are no “so-called” experts, we are experts. I am widely credited with bringing the advice genre online with my twin sister (whose name was also Jessica). I’m the author of several dating and relationship books, and my advice has appeared throughout the world in dozens and dozens of publications.
Now, as to your comment. As an expert, I can never assume I’m hearing the whole story from someone sending me a letter. Of course, as an expert, to protect their privacy I change literally everything but the core of the questions. So, there’s no way to know what role the person writing the letter has had in the issue. IN this case, in my expert opinion and in my reply, I directly say both parties have a hand in what is happening in their relationship. It’s never one-sided.
Finally, I get the sense from your comments that you may be angry with someone who is doing this to you, because you say it’s great men can live in a world where they don’t have to invest in their marriage. Of course that’s utterly ridiculous. If you don’t put in the work, your relationship fails. Both husband and wife or partner and partner need to work together and not point fingers.
I fully agree with Jessica. I have found the same to be true of all of these advice columns I have read. A man is being lazy and somehow blame is placed on the woman. We are expected to congratulate men on doing simple chores while we receive nothing of the sort. No one has to tell us to finish things, to multitask, etc. It’s a bunch of BS. I admit I knew my husband’s mother did everything for him growing up and still fell in love with him. There’s nothing I can do to change his past. But is it so wrong for me to want him to grow up (like I did! my mom did stuff for me too..) and help out/do his equal share?
I am reading that as I have also just ended an engangement based on these same problems. I was with my guy for 10 years and I must say that this is nonsense. A man wants to feel like a man and wants us woman to treat him like a man then he needs to act like one. To me, this is so sad but all it tells me is these men are not mature. And it’s charecter traits of lazy boys that are victims with a million excuses as to how we should treat them. This behavior is more about what they are willing to do in life or in this case not willing to do. They are passive aggressive and silence us but have no problem obligating us to do it. I look back and see now there were always signs this behavior doesn’t come out of no where. We think these guys will change and that they will take responsibility but even when they turn into fiancée and I’m sure husbands it gets worse. The responsibility is more then they can or want to handle. But why would it be ok for a woman to handle on her own? Why don’t we discuss these type of people as takers? Or they want us to be there mommies. Ask yourself, did you always do for them? Were they always hesitant about doing things and needed to be told? I’m sure the answer is yes because I believe a man will take responsibility and a man would see his wife’s or fiancé needed him and it wouldn’t just be a pitty party. I’m not happy with how the experts deflected the blame onto the woman that left the comments
I think it reads as she needs to take responsibility but I don’t see where they say the man should be. I can be wrong and maybe missed that. But the tone seems like as always woman have to try where men are the poor victims and need to be taken for what they are. When did we start expecting less from our male counterparts ? Why has this become the new norm in society?
Oh please. If they wanted a mom they should have stayed with her! This is
Such a turn off on so many kevels and ruins the intimacy and sex because women’s needs are not being met. I walked away because I wasn’t yet married or had children. But women if you are in this type of relationship, I suggest don’t nag and start doing less for them. It may cause more issues but you need to stand up and try to see if he will meet you! Let him know how you feel overwhelmed and can do things for him he enjoys if he can meet you half way. Take a breather and do the best you can for your family your children but do not loose yourself or think this is your fault. Good luck
Respectfully Jen
I read your long note (this is “Lace”) and what I really need to tell you is that men are conditioned by their mothers to be coddled. They then go on to expect that “if mom did this for me, you should do it too.” Women are raised to be pleasers and do-ers. I’m not saying this is correct, but as adults, we mirror what we know. Relationships are partnerships. That’s why it’s really important to know who you are selecting to be with and look closely at how they interact with their mom (assuming she is living and available). If mom isn’t around, look for the warning signs in the dating phase. If you pick a mommas boy type who is immature, he will remain that way. No amount of whining or threats will change him.
Agreed.
Backstory:
Ive been with my “immature ass” – let’s call it what it is – for 6 years. Broke up for a year over these exact issues and then got back together after he promised me he had evolved while living on his own and he would do better. I’ve got fibromyalgia (which I have had for over 20 years and he was 100% aware) and simply cannot do some things that I need him to handle. I can’t lift more than 10lbs or so and can’t lift my arms over my head. He knows this and he explicitly agreed to handle the stuff I cannot.
I’d estimate that he keeps his promises about 25% of the time. He always says he will do it. No problem. In the morning. On his next day off. Etc. And then it doesn’t get done. Days go by. Weeks. Months. Days off never materialize (even though he’s the manager, he never gets two days off in a row and, in the last 3 months, has had 4 days off). I remind him a few times of his promises because I know he has a lot on his plate at work and his brain is full, but there’s a point where it seems like he does it on purpose. He stretches it out until I forget or give up and stop reminding him. He thinks that 25% is enough. Because he works and pays the bills. He forgets that I also work (we have no children and I work from home) and buy all the groceries, cover incidental household expenses, and take care of all the pet expenses. Our home is clean and well kept apart from the occasional pile up of dirty dishes and laundry when I have a bad flare up or a particularly busy period at work. When he does have a day off, he’s “too busy” for his honeydo list – he’s on the phone with work, or getting called in for some petty emergency that at competent employee could handle without him, or he sleeps half the day away.
And there’s another issue – he’s almost never home. I might see him for a grand total of 10 hours a week. He allows his job to dictate his life – he makes the schedule and yet never gets two days off in a row, is regularly working 4am to 10pm. On days when he’s done work around 4 or 5pm, he then sits in his office playing video games or surfing the web until 10 or 11pm.
His only running chore is to take the trash out. He can’t even be bothered to do that. It has to be overflowing in all rooms and in multiple bags before he will bother. And even then he usually only does the kitchen. He had the nerve to give me shit about my overflowing bedroom bin that he hadn’t emptied in weeks. You know what’s on his honeydo list is right now? change the lightbulb, move some boxes into the storage unit, fix the screen door, fix the dryer vent. It’s been the same list for three weeks!
I asked him to replace the burned out light bulb in the hallway 3 weeks ago. “Sure, no problem”. Last night I fell in that hallway because he left his laundry basket outside his room and I didn’t see it in the dark. I can hardly walk today and need his help to pick up some groceries – he’s not replying to texts. And that’s something else he does all the time. He regularly ignores my texts. For hours. And then when he does respond, it’s too late. “Hey, can you pick up some cat litter please?” and then crickets until 10pm when he responds “oops, got busy. All the stores are closed now, sorry. I’ll get some tomorrow”. And guess what happens?
Last night I asked him to pick up some peanut oil so I could have fried mushrooms for dinner – I knew he would be at the costco shopping for his job. “Sure, be home around 9”. He waltzes in with canola oil at 11:30pm and then passes my irritation off as “don’t be a bitch, I tried. I was busy.”. Meanwhile, I’m eating yogurt and a tuna fish sandwich for dinner and steam is coming out of my ears because I know damned well he was sitting in his office, after hours, playing video games. I know because he live streamed it. But apparently I am asking him to the do impossible. I may as well have asked him to stop the volcano in Hawaii to stop erupting or to shave a live elephant.
I asked him to fix the screen door – he said, enthusiastically, that he knows exactly where our little screen tool is and will handle it. That was last Monday. The other night he’s complaining about the fact that there are bugs in his room. Apparently, 2 and 2 add up to “huh, what a head scratcher!”.
I gently and cheerfully remind him not to forget about the things he has promised to do. It’s always “I’m on it” and then *crickets*.
And yes, REMINDING him. I am not a nagger. I’ve been in many relationships and all my exes would universally say that I am as laid back as they come until a breaking point is reached. And this guy gets me to the breaking point at least once a month with all the stuff he says he’ll do and then promptly forgets about.
My gripe and solution:
The problem, folks, is not that women nag and expect too much. And frankly to say that “well most men were coddled by their mothers” is a pathetic excuse that still places the blame squarely on the woman’s shoulders for obviously choosing to be with a momma’s boy or otherwise choosing a poor partner.
They. need. to. step. up. They need to stop whining and making excuses and GROW UP. It is not my job as his girlfriend nor any women’s job in any capacity to raise a man-child into adulthood so they can be functioning partners. Even if they were coddled as children, as adults they know full well about the realities and responsibilities of a relationship and running a household. They can read the many books on running a home or read any of the numerous articles on the web that cover topics ranging from developing emotional IQ to loading a dishwasher properly. And if they somehow didn’t know about that stuff, we are literally telling them what they need to do to help us maintain a functional household and healthy relationship. Many of them, apparently, just don’t care to grow up.
Therapists, counselors, and expert advice givers need to address the real problem here – men who make excuses (from upbringing to workplace demands) to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship.
So how about some advice for MEN about how THEY can become more self-aware, mindful, responsible, and follow through on their promises?
Where is the advice to HIM to make a list and set a reminder in his phone? what about advice to him to take the blinders off at home and do the things that obviously need doing, like the overflowing trash can? what about advice to him to make a schedule? to man up and get it done? why isn’t there advice to men to make it a point to never make a promise they won’t keep or aspire to do things without being asked more than twice?
btw I am a certified iNLP counselor and hold a phd. I am not blowing smoke. I have tried everything with this man, from quietly suffering to couples counseling to honeydo lists to pats on the back and even surprise bjs. He always falls back into the same “can’t be bothered to do what I say I will do” modus operandi. And why should I have to take on the additional work of coaching and cajoling him anyway? he should just do it because it needs to be done, like a caring and attentive adult would do. I don’t doubt you are experts in your field, but please – at least try to see the issue from both sides and offer actionable resolution instead of delivering the same old tired advice that just doesn’t work.
In the meantime, I’m done playing this game of giving him a fair chance – at 38 years old – to get his shit together. I hired a person to come around once a week and take care of the chores he hasn’t done. And that $50+ will come out of HIS bank account, not mine. If he doesn’t like it, he can step up or he can let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.
Dee: I’m writing this for myself and for Tony (I’m obviously Alison aka. “Lace”). This post has certainly stirred up anger, mostly from women. I can see you are very upset about the situation (you certainly expressed it in a very long comment which we published, verbatim). Yours seems to be an extreme case, but we’re hearing just one side of it. perhaps that “immature ass” has a different take on it, but we don’t know how he really feels about you. I would suspect he isn’t feeling much love or respect for you since he knows you could really use the help. This has nothing to do with his mother “coddling” him as much as the fact that he doesn’t respect or care about you.
Maligning our advice to the general public on this site implying that our advice isn’t good enough or that we should have written about why it’s the man’s fault or another topic entirely doesn’t solve your issue. We were responding in this Q&A from what we feel is a universal issue (women do this as well as men).
As a woman, I can relate. But when I think I’m reminding my husband (of 28 years) about something he said he’ll do, he might also say “don’t nag me.” This means he never intends to do what I asked, or he will do it on his own time. People are not dogs and they can’t be trained to come, heel, sit, beg etc. when you want it. It isn’t just men who fall into the pattern of “laters baby..” You sound so hostile in your note you really have to ask yourself if you come across that way to your partner, too.
I would suggest that your man will never step up as you want him to do. That’s his personality and he’s not going to change it as you have already found out by taking him back. What he needs is to find a doormat who wants to do all the chores or hire staff to do it. While your idea of making him pay for someone to do his chores might be a motivator it probably won’t work. He already has YOU trained to do something yourself when he “forgets” to do it.
No relationship is completely equal, but when things are really out of whack there are two people in the relationship and two people are at fault even if it’s in varying degrees. I can understand why you would be fed up with this man, but you made this problem yourself being accept him BACK. People don’t change their personalities. Didn’t you realize those same issues with him would be there, irritating and angering you? I can’t say why you’d allow yourself back into that situation, but you are free to write to us at leatherandlaceadvice.com about it.
whilst Dee may sound hostile …. is that a case of chicken before the egg …egg before chicken? i have no doubt Dee went into that relationship with hope and with the hope of it being a partnership. Dee could well feel hostile because she is fed up with being on at her husband because nothing gets done and i have no doubt Dee has tried all the other options we all try, ahh you did a great job hunny, awww youre so great, youre the best at that , id really love it if you could…etc etc…more sex…congratulating him on emptying trash..then when that doesnt work…’nagging’, making hunny lists, etci mean come on! life is hard enough cleaning up after everyone and working never mind massaging a mans ego who wont do anything! these sort of men will not do anything but the bare minimum (if that). They have lost interest…why? because they do not have to try anymore because she does it for them and he is ok with that. He takes her for granted. There is no fixing here and why should a woman have to train a man? it is pure laziness on the mans behalf and stubborness, lets not paint it any different. is this about expectations? should we not have expectations? im sure if dee stopped cooking and cleaning and bringing money in and expecting her husband to do it all, he would soon walk lol, he appears to me to have high expectations of his wife but appears to want to give no expecations to her, therefore giving her crumbs at the very most. I think Dee is just very straight forward and thats fine. i like that. Best thing to do Dee im afraid is leave him, keep your own place to your standards, let him live in a hovel. NOT your responsibility.
Dear readers: when we receive a letter for free Q&A advice we can’t always tell what the full story is, nor can we always contact a reader for more information (or they might not want to give it to us). Therefore, any speculation about what really takes place behind closed doors is simply that, speculation. We base our Q&A on what we think will be a reasonable assumption and what we think will bring the best outcome. Maybe Dee’s husband is a lazy no good SOB, or maybe, it’s just the way he’s being portrayed. We can’t know this for sure. However, it takes two people to make a relationship work. We believe that if you continue to behave in a certain way that’s not getting results, it’s time to try something else (short of leaving, if that’s your choice). This leather and lace advice reader felt strongly about her situation so she wrote to us but how would you advise her? Ask yourself: how is her current behavior working for her? What could she do better? If she continues as she is, will things change or might she consider a radical and different way to deal with it> The reason we focused on DEE and not her husband is that Dee is the one who wrote to us about her issue. We don’t know what her husband thinks or how he really acts. DEE is the only one who can make a chance (for herself). I hope that explains how we approached this.
My husband is king of procrastination and putting things off. I get so tired of empty promises. But when he tells me I’m nagging ….I just say, “ Just think, if you’d take a minute and do that, I’d stop asking you.” Sometimes I threaten to “hire” someone….I have done this a couple times …. but, the fact of the matter is ….. he probably my will never change.
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