Dear Leather and Lace: My husband and I are both in our 30’s and have been married for a couple of years. Sex with him has never been very good. Basically it’s all about his pleasure. Five minutes, and he’s done. He never considers my needs at all. I’ve tried everything to get him interested in making our sexual relationship more fulfilling for both of us, but he’s just not interested. The one thing he did want was to fulfill his fantasy of watching me have sex with another man. At first, I refused, but eventually I gave in, hoping this would re-kindle his interest in me. Anyway, he invited a male friend of ours over and we did have sex and it was wonderful. This man was powerful, exciting, caring and “large” (which I really liked). I had my first orgasm with a man in two years! It was incredible! Now, my husband is upset with me because I had a good time. In fact, he called me a “slut.” Am I wrong to have enjoyed myself? After all, it was my husband who wanted me to do this in the first place. I really want to have sex with this other guy again since my husband still doesn’t seem to realize that I have needs and wishes, too. I’m torn…..what should I do?
Alison’s Take: “Torn,” there is an old saying: “think twice about what you wish for, because you might get it” This seems to be relevant to your husband’s fantasy. He wanted to watch you have sex with someone else, and I’m guessing he wanted you to hate the experience, not love it. Somehow, the idea that you might enjoy it didn’t occur to him? Well, he played with fire and he got burned.
If the other parts of your relationship with your husband are good, or at least, fairly decent, you need to try and work things out with your husband. If he refuses to go to couples counselling (something I believe you really should do) and he doesn’t understand or care about what make you feel so great sexually with the other guy, he isn’t invested in your happiness or in the relationship. If that’s the case, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. This is something you really need to think about.
As to your desire to have sex with the other man, I can understand why you’d be enthusiastic. Who doesn’t want great sex?! But keep in mind that part of what made the sex so good, is that there were no strings or issues attached to this man as there are with your husband. And consider too that while your first experience with this man was great, it might not be as fantastic on a regular basis — especially if you don’t really have much else in common besides an urgency to lock loins. Great sex is more than just physical technique, it has to do with the joy of feeling loved, needed, cherished, and desired.
In the best scenario, your sexual escapade will be a wake-up call for your husband, and he will finally realize that he needs to do more and better for you. You will both work on that, together. But assuming that your relationship is really on the skids, life is too short to feel unloved and unappreciated. Only you can decide what actions your can realistically take, to be happy. I won’t tell you it’s wrong to have enjoyed yourself or to try and find happiness other ways. But if you decide to pursue this other man, be very sure you know what you’re doing before you jump into bed again . Be prepared for risks and consequences.
Tony’s Take: Any person who does not consider the needs of another and uses the other person only for their own pleasure is selfish and contemptuous. His treatment of you is humiliating and degrading and it is punishment of you for the crime of marrying him because that makes you his responsibility which he hates.
The fantasy of having another man making love to your wife can take one of two forms, a selfless one where the woman’s pleasure is important to the husband and a more sinister form which is a rape fantasy, the husband imagines his wife being humiliated and degraded by the virtual rape of giving her to another man. When you enjoyed yourself, since he condoned the action, it was he who humiliated, embarrassed and cuckolded himself, which he now blames on you.
This husband is a type of mental abuser, he likes punishing you, his wife, for every slight he has ever experienced, especially imagined slights from women. Without a lot of therapy there is no hope for him, and even the course of therapy is often destructive to the marriage. You are young and can find a much better mate than this loser.
You need to feel loved and satisfied so if this friend who you had sex with is single, trustworthy and willing you might consider seeing him on the side while you plan your exit from your marriage, but I counsel you to have all of your ducks in a row before you file for divorce because your husband is a nasty piece of work , and he is going to make your life miserable. If he hits you or event threatens to hit you you need to go to the police and get an order of protection, better to be cautious than be a victim of a serious beating or worse.