My partner and I agree on many things. But when we are deadlocked on something I feel we need to discuss it until we come to a mutually reasonable conclusion. My partner is just the opposite. He doesn’t like arguing (any conversation where we disagree is considered an argument) so he just shuts the conversation down or he simply shuts himself down and refuses to discuss it anymore. Whatever issue we need to resolve just gets tabled again and again. When he withdraws there is nothing I can do and if I push him he gets angry and walks away or goes out of the house entirely. We can’t seem to have an adult conversation and so we can’t come to a reasonable conclusion on important issues. When he turns away it makes me feel frustrated, alone and emotionally upset. This has been a pattern in our relationship for many years and I’m tired of it. I thought the two of you might shed some light on how to handle this better?
Anxious Annie
LEATHER AND LACE ANSWER WITH THEIR SIGNATURE “DOUBLE-TAKE” TWO VIEWS FOR EVERY QUESTION
Alison aka. “Lace:” I’m taking the lead on this one.
There are some personality types (both men and women) that simply won’t talk about things they find unpleasant because they feel the need to protect themselves from their own emotions.
It’s one thing if your partner says: “let me think about this some more and then we’ll talk.”
It’s another issue entirely if, as you describe, your partner just balks leaving no comfort for you when you need an issue resolved!
I can see how you might feel that there is no choice but to keep pushing until an angry argument ensues or your partner shuts down completely.
You will see in Tony’s view below that he thinks this is all an issue of how men and women’s brains work differently so women should just consult a best friend to work things out.
A BFF can be a soundboard, but it’s not that simple: there’s no communication if you partner shies away and won’t talk and therefore, no resolution as a couple.
Communication in relationships is key!
Sharing things with a trusted friend can help you deal with some of your frustration, but there are some things you shouldn’t really discuss with anyone but your partner or the person involved.
If you’re not getting your partner to come to a decision with you and there really is a deadline, let your partner digest your issues, but set a time to talk about it later, but not on the same day.
But consider this: Are you going for the “win” where you get him to say “yes dear” to you, because if you always win, your relationship, loses.
Consider your own behavior.
Do you try to get your partner to talk things through when you’re already fired up? If so, he may feel attacked and stressed out.
When you’re ready to try again tell your partner that you resented being shut down, that this issue is important to you and you hope he will give the issues more consideration so you can both benefit.
I am not listening and I’m not going to answer
Tony aka. “Leather:” Get a BFF to Talk Things Through With You
a fundamental biological difference between men and women is that in most women (not all women) both halves of the brain are aware but only the side opposite the predominant hand is in control (ie can speak) but both sides listen.
A woman will feel disquieted unless both sides (of her brain) agree and thus women need to talk to bring both of those sides together in harmony.
Men on the other hand with their simpler brains are single path., They look at a problem come to a solution and then that’s it, they’re done with the subject.
This is why any intelligent male encourages his mate to talk out the problem.
>He doesn’t give them a solution he just asks questions because nothing he can say directly will cause his female partner to be quieted until both halves of her brain come together on a solution.
Men who don’t understand this get frustrated with women. They don’t understand why women have ot talk all the time. and why they will go around in circles on the same issue.,
But is it part of a “woman’s process” (note that there are some males and females where this is reversed).
As I see it, the problem and the solution are very simple. You must have already come to an agreement with yourself on what you want as the answer to the issue.
You could hope that he finds the maturity to understand you and your emotional needs but there are other ways of fixing this.
A better way is by having a BFF who will listen to you as you will listen to her.
BFFs support each other emotionally and then allow a woman to then communicate with her partner on a rational conversational level as opposed to an emotional one.
Annie, this saves you the frustration of feeling shut down by your partner’s feeling that he is being attacked because the same matter keeps coming up and up and up.
This makes him feel that he is being made wrong buy the fact that no matter what he says it keeps going back to the same place.
Give my suggestion a try and see how it works!
READERS DO YOU LIKE THIS ADVICE? IF SO, SHARE IT! DO YOU AGREE THAT COUPLES SHOULD TALK THINGS OUT, OR GO TO AN OUTSIDE SOURCE TO WORK THE SITUATION THROUGH? TELL US YOUR THOUGHTS
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