I’ve always had a fantasy of sharing my wife with another man. We’re in our mid 50’s and we have been married a long time. I admit that in the past I cheated on my wife and when she found out she was devastated, but we stayed together and I hope by now she’s forgiven me, It is well in the past. My wife doesn’t have a lot of sexual experience, and I’m thinking that adding someone else to our love life will not only add a spark but help her feel more confident that she is still very desirable. I’m not seeking to re-create a scene from a porn movie or anything like that, just regular sex. I’ve broached the subject to my wife and she seems ok with it. So do you think this is a good idea, or am I crazy for suggesting it? —Dan
Is your wife really on board with a menage a trois or is this your fantasy and she is just going along so you don’t stray again? My hunch is that it’s really your fantasy (you admitted so in your first sentence).
The first thing you say is that you cheated on her but she didn’t leave you. You didn’t say anything about how your love life is with her, but if it is so-so and if she senses you’re restless and might cheat again, she might agree to just about anything to make you happy and keep you satisfied.
Another thing that stands out for me from your letter (edited for privacy) is that you want this for her so she will still feel she’s desirable. Why can’t you make her feel that way and why would you leave that to another man? Isn’t this your job as her husband?
Consider that your wife has only been with one other man. She hasn’t ever brought up the idea of a threesome and apparently only seems to be ok with it when you brought it up now. If the two of you were experienced swingers or she had expressed an interest in this type of trio in the past, the situation might be different.
Even if you find someone acceptable to both of you to make a threesome it is likely to backfire and possibly ruin your relationship. Being with someone else may make her finally realize that you are not the lover she wants. Worse, she’ll resent you for putting her in a situation that feels 50 shades of wrong.
So in a word, NO, don’t do it.
In any three-way dynamic, it is necessary that all three participants enjoy each other’s physical company. This is why a threesome with two women and one man works more easily than with two men and one woman. It appears that many more women are at least open to bisexuality than men tend to be. Thus, the emotions can spread back and forth between all three participants.
If you add another man to your bed and you and that man are not open to being sexual with each other, then it actually means that one man is a voyeur while two other people share intimacy. If there is any jealousy at all it will tend to get amplified very quickly which obviously isn’t good.
This is why this situation is called the Devil’s threesome.
You are in effect asking for someone to be in love with your wife long enough to make love to her, and then walk away.
This is very much a violation of human nature. The only time I’ve ever heard of something remotely close as this working out is where the third person was a lesbian who can appreciate your wife, but knows that your wife will always have a preference for you.
I agree with Alison on this one, it’s a “NO.”
Readers: We always appreciate your comments. What do you think? Should Dan invite another man into bed with him and his wife?
I read the article and as always your both excellent counselors. Having 2 men in bed seems like something you do when your single and not in a relationship with any of them not married. Instead if the man is bored with his wife sexually and she isn’t experience why doesn’t he liven it up by buying her self help books, female porn (porn geared toward women’s satisfaction not men’s) sex magazines with explicit photos and say can we try this to her. Guys kill me because they are bored but don’t help the matter. By the way I’m single but know lots of women who aren’t sexually experienced whom are single or married and hear them talk about it to me because I have a liberal mind and have dated many men in NYC so I’m more of a pro on sex and men.